New Year's Tears

Today is one of those horrible days where I really struggle. I woke up and snuggled in bed for a long time. I was so comfy and relaxed... And then, for some reason, I just begin a downward spiral... I started by being upset when Chloe asked me if I forgot to make a fire. No, I didn't forget, I'm working on it. Then they want to snuggle up with me and I just want some space and yet I can't seem to get away from them. Every time I move over, they snuggle closer. I know that snuggling is supposed to be a wonderful thing, and most of the time it is - but there are times when I just don't want to be touched. I just want to be left alone! And then comes breakfast... I made it and then went back to reading... And then I got covered in kids with breakfast... And my bed was covered in orange juice. My husband is so stressed about work... He just dreads work on his days off and Wednesdays nights he even struggles to decide if he's going to go back on Thursday morning... I hate the pressure that is put on him. I hate knowing that just by being here, on the computer, I'm incurring bills that he has to work to pay for. Every time I go to the grocery store, he has to pay for it. And in order to do that, he has to go to that place that he hates and endure his boss that just beats him up day after day. So today, I'm feeling like a terrible mom - I don't want to deal with my kids today, I just want to be left alone; and I'm a terrible wife - I am part of the reason that Lowell has to go to that place. So, I'm here feeling very sick and dreading the oncoming seizure that I'm feeling is impending... I want to make myself cry to release some tension, but I'm so good at holding in my tears that I can't let them go... I need to put on some sappy movie or something and force myself to cry... So, here's hoping for some tears to start the new year. :)

Christmas 2008

We did Christmas on Christmas eve because Lowell has to work Christmas day. It was a good day - just the five of us. We did a big dinner, family get together thing on Thanksgiving so it was kind of nice to just have us today. Lowell played with the kids, picking them up, throwing them around, and loving on them... It is so wonderful to see them with their dad. I love how much they adore him - and how much he adores them. I can't begin to count how many times he just marvels at how blessed we are; at how cute they are, how smart they are, and how much he loves spending time with them. Tonight, Nathan broke into tears because he doesn't want Daddy to go to work tomorrow. This isn't the first time he's done this, he really doesn't like to be without his dad. And we don't know how to deal with his sadness. We've explained to him that Daddy has to go, that he misses the kids too... But Nathan's tears are still so poignant and touching. He's a very emotional kid. And very attached to his father. I'm so glad they had today together...
The morning began with the kids sitting in their places and Lowell passed out a present apiece. Then Jillie opened, Chloe opened and then Nathan. I took pictures and videotaped a little. The kids were really happy with what they received. Mamoo got them bubbles, among other things and Lowell and I got the girls a couple of dress up dresses. Before long, the girls were in their dresses blowing bubbles at each other and twirling. :) Auntie Leeda and Uncle "Brad" sent the Mousetrap game and Kung Fu Panda. And they included a very fun present - the bubble wrap! The kids jumped on it until each section made a loud POP! and then we could finally move on to the next presents. :) We played Mousetrap together in the evening (Jillie won) and I am currently writing with Kung Fu Panda in the background. :) Thank you Auntie Leeda and Uncle Brett. Hopefully next Christmas we can be together! :)

The girls got Barbies, the dress-up outfits, a couple of stuffed animals and some other things... Nathan got a big truck, a remote control truck, a dirt bike figurine and a Webkinz bald eagle. My favorite present was a set of magnetic dress-up figures for Chloe with about a hundred different skirts, shirts and outfits for the little dolls. Mamoo also got the kids coloring books and crayons. Gramma Who and Grandpa got the kids a VSmile game and controller and UNO Attack. (Lowell and I had fun with Uno attack in the afternoon! :)) Gramma GG got them some great books including a cook book especially for cooking together with the kids. And Gramma Hippo got adorable clothes, Legos and some babies. My kids all love art! The big present this year was an easel. Lowell had a ton of fun assembling it, of course, while I fixed breakfast. The rest of the day was filled with relaxation and lots of fun.

I read "Small One" to the kids at bedtime. If you haven't read it, its the story of an old donkey and a little boy who loves him and yet has to give him up. I was choking on tears reading it because I was ridiculously emotional. But, in all reality, what do I have to be sad about? I'm loved by the creator of the earth. I'm blessed with three beautiful, healthy children and a husband who loves me. I'm hoping to spend Christmas day scrapbooking the real meaning of the day... Christmas is the birthday of Jesus - the day that the Son of God came to earth as a man. He chose to leave heaven and come down to this place - this world of sin, anger, hate, violence, pain and disappointment. And not only that, He chose to live among us and endure the same life that we do each day. Christ lived in a world that hated Him. And He came as a helpless infant on Christmas morning 2000 years ago to begin a journey that would eventually lead Him to the cross. Aren't we lucky?
The kids got a ton of toys. And they did such a good job. They were so thankful - they gave hugs and hours later, they were still saying 'thank you'. They were patient and they shared. Well, for the most part. :) I'm so blessed. I have kids who are thoughtful and realize that its not all about them... I think I've got the three best Christmas presents ever! :) I hope your Christmas is as blessed as mine!

Wintery Weather

It has been snowing outside non-stop since about noon today. We already had about an inch on the ground from last night. The wind is picking up and my front yard is turning into a winter wonderland. Its been a quiet Sunday - just the kids and I. Lowell had to take my car to work today so we've been without a vehicle although I doubt we would've been able to get out in the snow without chains anyway. The kids have spent most of the day playing and watching a few cartoons while I have spent the vast majority of the day working on Lowell's christmas present. The kids have helped a little but I still have a long way to go! :) At least if it's not done by Christmas, Lowell works the 25th and 26th, and his birthday is the 28th. :) So I have a little leeway. Since Lowell reads my blog I won't go into detail now... But I'll be sure to share photos and his reaction after he gets it!

Chloe had her very first sleepover night before last! She went to Samantha's house (just a mile or so up the road) and had a great time! She didn't miss us at all until mid morning Saturday. She is the first one of the kids to sleep over without the other two. And she's the one who I knew wouldn't have a problem. :) She's definitely got a mind of her own. There is a girl at school, for example who has taken to Chloe but who she isn't very fond of. A few days ago at breakfast, this girl came up and asked Chloe if she could sit by her. Chloe said "No". And that was that. :) I'm proud of her... Samantha was supposed to come here and spend the night last night but her parents got stuck in the snow down the hill after going shopping and never made it home until late.

Oh, news! I got a new camera yesterday! I'm still not sure completely how to use it because it does so much... My other camera finally died.. And I was devastated about going through the Christmas season without my camera. Lowell has been saying that he's going to buy me the camera that I want for my birthday but it's too expensive for right now. So I got a little cheap camera to carry around in my purse for the interim! I love new toys! So, I'm going to try to take some snow pix and load them here... We'll see how it works! :)

Early New Year's Resolutions

So I just spent my afternoon watching the first two High School Musicals the first one while I walked/ran on the treadmill (Yeah me!!!) and the second while I worked on Nathan's homework assignment - helping him make a wreath. The movies reminded me that I really had the perfect high school experience. I was popular, I was friends with a ton of people; I was good at school - studying came easy; I was co-captain of the cheerleading squad; I had an older boyfriend who spoiled me silly; and I was a bona-fide beauty queen! I mean, what more could you ask for? And I miss those days. I miss the ease and all the fun. Responsibility sure puts a damper on things, doesn't it? I've been noticing that I need to take more joy in the life I have now instead of comparing it to "before" and to the lives of others. I have so much to be thankful for. But still I'm discontent. Isn't that how it always is? At least that's how I am - selfish. I struggle against my selfish nature because it really dampens my joy. I've heard that the first step to discontentment is comparison... Well I love to compare. I love to see how my life compares to other peoples; how my kids compare and even how my body compare with other peoples. I'm sure I've mentioned how Lowell and I "show" each other how the other one looks. Anyway, I know it's early, but I already know what my New Year's resolution will be - I'm going to stop comparing my life both to the lives of others and to 'what used to be'. It's going to be a big challenge so I'm starting early. First I'm going to just start being aware of how frequently I compare and what situations led me to comparison so that I can begin to get an idea of how big a monster I have to tackle! :)
I've identified a lot of behaviors that contribute to my comparing problem. One is that I am very detail orientated instead of being long-term, whole issue focused. For example, when there is a mistake made, I just see the mistake, I don't see the whole picture. I'm definitely too much of a perfectionist. Also, I never quit thinking and analysing things. I really need to get my head to shut up - or at least to start thinking about other things. So, I'm going to try to identify when my head is just meaninglessly wandering and getting into trouble and either start reciting scripture to myself over and over or I'm going to sing worship songs. So, that's the to-do list. I'd better get started! :)

Another personal revelation

So I realized today after some serious personal reflection that I want to be fat. Notice I didn't say that I like being fat - I just want to remain fat. Why on earth, do you ask... Well, because I know me as the fat girl and it is the crutch that I use. I'm not happy with myself and I'm not happy with where I am as an individual - I can blame all of that on me being fat. I can use it to explain my insecurities, my laziness, my less than stellar preformance as a mother, my anxiety, my hesitancy to go after the things that I want in life.... A lot hinges on me being fat. And if I wasn't fat, I wouldn't have that to fall back on. I wouldn't have an excuse... And that terrifies me. So, I really want to be thin - I want to be healthy and attractive. But at the same time, I'm more safe when I'm overweight. Make sense? So I'm working against myself. I so desperately want to lose the weight but I also sabaouge myself in order to keep myself safe. So, in addition to working on exercising more, I need to work on developing my confidence based on things other than my appearance. Time to start working on that...

Blessings

Our Thanksgiving was great. I cooked and after I got over some initial anxiety, all was well! My grandma came up and helped with some of the prep and also made her signature cornbread. We had our 5, my grandma and my dad - that was all. But it was good. The kids love their grandpa so much and my grandma is really concerned about missing the kids after we move to Phoenix. It was good for her to be a part of our day and also of the decorating we did on Friday. My only regret was that I gave a stupid prayer. I wish I would've been more thoughtful about the things I'm really thankful for, and not so concerned with people liking what I had cooked... So, to make up for that, I'm going to share what I'm thankful for here. Nathan - he just wants to be good. Yesterday we were frustrated with the kids not listening as well as they should and so we were talking about going back to taking away toys when they don't listen. Because Nathan hadn't been listening, he went, on his own, into his room and started bagging up his toys. It was so sad and so sweet... I cried. So we went in and talked to him about how his heart is what we're concerned about - we want him to have a heart that will follow our instructions but obviously his heart wants to do the right thing and we're so proud of him. Such a sweet boy. Chloe - she is so smart. Lowell and I were playing a trivia game yesterday and the kids joined in. Granted, I'm sure most of her answers were guesses, but some of them, she legitimately knew! She got a ton of questions right! Her teacher marvels at her reading ability and her ease at working with any of the kids in her class. She often gets paired with some of the more difficult kids because of her ability to be consistently helpful. Also, yesterday we went through the kids' toys, paring down to get ready for Christmas and also trying to reinforce the lesson of sharing. Nathan was really struggling with parting with his toys but Chloe jumped right on board. She kept giving and giving and did a really good job chosing toys that other children could enjoy. I was really proud of her. Her generosity also rubbed off onto Jillian who really doesn't care about possessions. She caught the giving spirit and they both created a huge pile of things to take to the shelter. Jillian is a joy and always keeps us on our toes. She has such an attitude and is completely passionate about how she feels. She isn't just happy or just upset - she's all the way, 100% thrilled, or 100% ticked! She is not very willing to try new things and has perfected the temper tantrum. And yet, there are times when she will come up, totally unexpectedly and say the sweetest thing or snuggle up and love on me. And her voice is irresistible! She is just the sweetest thing! She's adorable and precious!
And then there's my husband... I am so spoiled. My husband loves me. He loves me when I'm cranky and when I'm lazy. And he loves me even though I'm hugely overweight. And he is still being vocal about it. He still writes me love notes and still tells me that he thinks I'm pretty and that he thinks I'm pretty special. (See, I've got him pretty well fooled! :)) And he makes an effort to do things that he knows I like... He supports me in the things I enjoy and he keeps me focused on reality. He keeps me from being overwhelmingly selfish and he reminds me that the world doesn't revolve around me. :) He appreciates the work I do with the kids and reassures me that he could never do the job that I do. I'm so blessed. We don't have a lot of money. We don't have a beautiful house. I don't have the perfect job or perfect friends of even perfect children or a perfect husband but I am so blessed and so thankful for the people who God has brought into my life. So many blessings! :) Thank you, friend, for being one of them!

Giving Thanks...

I first began this post with the thought of sharing the little details of our lives lately... I've come down with another cold; Jillian stuck a floride tablet up her nose at preschool; Chloe's best friend spent the day with us yesterday and the kids were witnessing to her; Nathan made pilgrims and indians in class, as well as clay molds of his hands; Lowell needs prayer for the coming winter months of long, cold days and the burnout that inevitably follows... And then I found this website and I was distracted... http://aholyexperience.com/2008/11/getting-through-hard-times.html Wow... I have been struggling daily with anger and sadness... First I'm angry at how my days are so filled with need. The needs of others - all around me I hear, "I'm hungry", "I need help", "Where's my...", "What's for dinner?", "Did you...", "Can you...", "Go get...", ... The demands and requests are seemingly neverending... And I feel empty. I don't feel like I have anything left to give. And I'm selfish - I don't want to give anymore! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! And then I'm heartbroken when I'm alone in the car, after dropping them off at school... remembering how curt I was. How I didn't take time to kneel down and wrap them in my arms and tell them how much I love them... How I didn't whisper a prayer for them to get them through the day at school... How I wasn't a very good example of Christian love... How I could've done better. And then I get depressed. I'm already sad and overwhelmed and then the shame compounds it. It feels like a never ending cycle. But maybe this website offers a reminder... and a solution. My focus shouldn't be on my strength or my ability to give - it should be on who He is and living with His power. My eyes shouldn't be on my performance as a mother but my goal should be to turn their eyes to Christ by having mine there as well. I'll never be a good enough mother on my own. This job is so precious and so important to me... I'll never do it well enough on my own. But through Christ, I can have strength and patience. I can love with His love and not with my own feeble version of love. When I try to admit to others that I'm just tired. I'm just tired of being a mom and just tired of giving, I often hear "Don't you love your kids?". The guilt the comes from that comment.... Anyway, of course I love my kids. It is because of how much I love them that I've pushed myself this far... It is because of how hard I try to be everything for them and to do everything with them and to give them every opportunity that I've become so exhausted. I haven't taken the time to keep myself fed. I was blessed by our vacation to Phoenix. Our marriage was definitely refreshed. But my own soul is still withering. I haven't fed my soul in... a long time. It's been quite awhile since I was in my Bible and not sitting in a pew at the same time. So, I'm going to find a few minutes to set aside for my Lord... And I'm asking for prayer for discipline. And for joy... for a refilling of my tank so that I can start giving again with a joyful heart... I am praying for gratitude and joy when it seems that there is little to be thankful for... Strangely enough, if I would only take the time to look, there are soooo many things to be grateful for. Lord, open my eyes to the beauty, the gifts, the miracles that You place in my life every day. I pray that my first thought in the morning will be one of gratitude and one that acknowledges You as the giver of life, of strength, of love and of joy. I am so thankful for my family. You've given me a husband who is amazing... He truly is my hero. I've been so blessed with a man who I can rely on, trust completely and who I can be myself with... Who knows me inside and out and loves me anyway... One who knows the importance of telling me that he loves me, and one who does the little things that show me his devotion... I'm so spoiled - even if I can't get a dozen roses a week anymore. :) (http://www.frommetees.com/ ) I've got a trio of kids who are so smart, so healthy, and honestly so good... And who love you as only children can. You've blessed me, Lord. Remind me of that... Show me beauty, don't let me take my life for granted, Lord. Today and every day, I am so blessed, even in the times when life seems hard... You never leave, Lord and that is the greatest gift ever - the gift of Yourself. Thank you for Your love, Lord and help me to show it to my family and to others who You bring into our lives. Thank Your for continuing to love me even though I'm such a slow learner. :) You are amazing, Lord. Abba. Father. Daddy. Alpha and Omega... Yahweh. Elohim. Adonai. Jehovah. El Shaddai... I think I'll be re-reading Tozer's The Knowledge of the Holy.... Until next time, I'll be praying that you know our Heavenly Father too, and that His joy will enter your life and bless you. http://aholyexperience.com/2008/11/getting-through-hard-times.html

Yeah! Music!

I am soo excited! I've been trying to a while now to get music here on my blog! And today, I was finally successful!!! You can find them at the bottom of this page! Most of the songs that I've chosen have stories that go along with them... Others are just ones that I love. The one by Kenny Chesney is a song that Lowell and I have shared... I don't know how I've saved him, but I guarantee that Lowell has saved my life - saved my sanity on more than one occassion! :) And I am so dependent on his love. I adore him. The song by Dan Seals is the one that Lowell dedicated to me. It is so very him... :) And I love the message of it. There is one song, however, that I haven't been able to find in order to put it on my list... I'll update you if I can figure it out! :) Until then, enjoy! And any suggestions for more music, let me know!

VACATION!

It seems to have been forever since I blogged! :) We have been so busy! This past weekend however, we were amazingly, wonderfully, blessedly busy! We went on a road trip. Just Lowell and I. This is the first time that Lowell and I have gotten away since we had kids. Yep, that's right - it's been 6 years since we had a weekend to ourselves! I can't even begin to describe how wonderful it was! I was also amazed at how much work goes into getting three kids packed and lined up with babysitters and food, clothes, jackets and homework; getting them on and off the bus, and leaving a note for my 85 year old great grandma to tell her how to use the stove and microwave, what to fix for meals, bedtimes, etc.... And then there was the issue of getting a fire started in our wood stove! :) Friday morning at 6:30am we left the kids off with our friend Shara who got Nathan and Chloe on the bus for school. Jillie stayed with her for the day. Then Katie met Shara at school and took all three of the kids to her house in Sonora. (Important note- Both Katie and Shara each have three kids of their own) Katie kept them Friday and Saturday and brought them to church on Sunday. Then she gave them to my great grandma, at our house, on Sunday afternoon. There were so many logistics! :) But it was sooooooooooooooo worth it! And I greatly appreciate the people who made our get-a-way possible!

We rented a car and drove to Palm Springs on Friday. Then we got up (at 3 am) and drove on in to Phoenix. We shopped and drove around and just had such a good time... Then Saturday night, we went to Abby's wedding. She was a beautiful bride and looked sooo happy! Sunday morning we had breakfast with some friends and then toured the neighborhoods where we are looking to move. We narrowed down our search and made connections with a realtor. So now we're better prepared to find a house and jobs. We're so excited to move!!!! Hopefully February... But we'll see... Then Sunday night we drove - well, Lowell drove, almost all night. We had a leisurely breakfast and took our time coming home... It was soooo wonderful! I have to say I'm a little sorry to be back to reality!

On the drive down, Lowell kept saying how much he missed the kids. On the way back, he kept saying that we need to do this more often! :) I agree with both!

Independence Day

My kids are growing up. Last week, Nathan rode the bus for the first time. I was so sad... He was thrilled, of course, but for some reason, I felt very sad about his new-found independence. It was one of those moments when you know something, but then in an instant you really know it. When Chloe and I went to Subway today she kind of shocked me. She knew exactly what she wanted to order and what she did and didn't want on her sandwich. I realized that they are definitely developing different personalities... Nathan doesn't like mustard, loves ham sandwiches and PowerRangers and wants to be just like his daddy. Chloe loves veggies and anything considered healthy, she hates being dirty and doesn't like to do manual labor. Jillian still believes that the two main food groups are peanut butter and cheese although she has branched out into pancakes, eggs and some rice; she is so smart and adores school but especially loves the social connections she has made there. When Nathan grows up he wants to be either a fireman, policeman or an "Army". Oh, and he wants to be in the Olympics. A gymnast. (That kind of bothers Lowell... :)) Chloe wants to be a doctor. Jillian wants to be Sleeping Beauty. :)

This morning we had our weekly DJ session. Daddy was on YouTube playing music and the kids were dancing all around the house. While I was videotaping it, I was struck by how different the kids are in their body language, their talents and their opinions. I've known since they were born that the three of them are very different, but seeing them develop personalities and preferences is both exhilarating and somewhat sad too. At least I know that I'm doing my job, right? They're growing up, and they're growing up into very thoughtful, intelligent, loving little people. What more could a mom ask for?

"There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is roots; the other, wings." - Hodding Carter

Good weaknesses?

I recently read an explanation of a verse that had always stumped me. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9. I understand that through my weakness, God's power is shown and that I need to be weak in order to turn to Him but I've never quite gotten why grace was included in the same sentence as God's power. This is how Karon Phillips Goodman explained it in her book "Grab a Broom, Lord... There's Dust Everywhere!"

"God gives us one primary job - knowing Him - and our ability to do that job hinges on what we see as a weakness. This is not a mistake; its His design. We must know God to do His work, and we must experience God's grace to really know Him, and we must need His grace to experience it. He made us needy so that we could accomplish what He wanted in only one way - through Him."

So, instead of my weaknesses being flaws - as I so often see them, my weaknesses are actually a gift from God - an example of His grace. He allows me to know Him through my need for Him. This understanding came as quite an epiphany. I don't know about you, but the idea that I was created weak by an all powerful God, just didn't make sense. And I hated (ok, hate - not totally over it yet! :)) how weak and prone to failure I am. It does make it a little easier when I can accept that I was made this way and that God knows I'm going to fail. I'm created and destined to fail. Not very positive, and yet kind of freeing at the same time.

Along those lines, I've got a situation that I'm struggling with... There is a person in my life who I have pretty well written off. During Lowell and my "dark days" a few years ago, I turned to this person for support and some practical help. I was rebuffed and sent packing. This person is not a believer and some have suggested that because of this fact, I should forgive and repair the relationship. Regardless of their status as believer or not, I feel hurt. I've never received an apology - nor do I expect one because I believe this person wouldn't see any wrongdoing on their part. So, I'm stuck. I know that I'm supposed to forgive but forgiveness is something that I'm working on in a lot of arenas of my life. I honestly don't think I know how to do it... And honestly, I'm not sure that I'm ready to forgive... I'm still angry and I don't desire a renewed relationship with this person. Any thoughts?

On a more positive note, Linda and Brett came up to visit last weekend! For those who don't know, Linda is Lowell's sister and Brett is her new husband! The kids loved spending time with their Auntie Leeda and their Uncle Brad. They were only able to spend the day with us and I was left wishing that we could be closer... I love spending time with them, although I must admit that I spend a lot of time trying to be sure that Linda likes me. I try to have a clean house and well-behaved children and I try to be witty and intelligent. Ever noticed how when you try to do your very best, it often ends up backfiring?? :) Well, C'est la vie... And, more importantly, they announced that they are 2 weeks pregnant!!!!! :) She'll be due in June and they are going to find out what they're having ASAP! :) Linda said that will help with the huge name choosing task. They are going to be such great parents! I hope we are able to be close to our nephew or neice! :)

While they were here, we went to Big Trees State Park. They are the outdoorsy type and so Lowell thought they'd enjoy it. They did, of course. Linda had been there as a child and this was Brett's first time. The kids held hands with Linda and Brett and Nathan was our 'tour guide'. He visited the park on a field trip last year and remembered most of what he had learned. :) Personally, I was looking forward to having another couple around who likes to play games - if only for a day! I love board games and there aren't many other couples around we can get together with who enjoy them as well. Linda and Brett are game people! :) I'm sad that we are moving farther away from them instead of closer but I am hopeful that our new lifestyle in Phoenix will enable us to visit them in Oregon and also that they will be able to come stay with us for an extended period when we have our own space.

Our own space... Wow.. I can't wait. Thank you Lord for giving us this opportunity and I pray that we will honor you with our choices, our decisions and with our finances. And I pray that our kids are as happy with the move as we are!

Uncle Bread and Auntie Leeda

Today was a good day. Auntie Leeda and Uncle Brett flew down from Oregon last night and spent the morning with us. Linda is Lowell's middle sister; Brett is her husband. We love spending time with them and we don't get to nearly enough. We walked around Big Trees State Park and looked at lots of pictures. And Brett and Linda announced that they're expecting!!! :) They've only known for about a week. They're both really excited and they'll be wonderful parents! Our kids certainly loved them! :) As we walked around the park, Linda was pulled back and forth between Jillie and Chloe who had ahold of her arms. Nathan loved telling Brett about the different trees and they all loved how both Linda and Brett were willing to listen to all their stories and to look at all of their artwork. Linda is due some time in June. They are going to find out what they're having - boy or girl - because otherwise the name choice process will be too overwhelming. Lowell, continuing his very helpful suggestions from when we were expecting - has suggested Pike Scott. So they'd have Pike S Peake. Isn't he goofy??

Lowell and I have been tossing around the idea of me finding a night job. I bought a local paper on Friday and found a job that sounded awesome but then discovered that the closing date for applications was Thursday. So I'm going to call on Monday and see if they will accept a late application. It's a county job, so I doubt it but we'll try anyway. Its working with substance abuse recovery for Tuolumne County and its a 24 hour program. Things with school have gotten complicated again with how the loans can be dispersed... So the result is that I can't take my last two classes until January. This puts starting graduate school back to next fall... which is probably better because of the moving timeline. As of right now, we'll be moving as soon as the kids get out of school. But who knows - that could change at any moment! :)

Chloe loves school and she's got some little girls who really like her, some who even call here to talk to her. She has two or three really close friends whereas Nathan plays with everyone - not favoring anyone. Chloe seems to play with kids who need her. She likes being able to help; last year it was the little deaf girl and this year its a little girl who's really extremely, painfully shy. She is very smart and just a wonderful little girl!

Jillian is very smart. Her preschool teachers say that she knows more than any other of the kids in her class. I'm sure she has big things in store for her!!!

Challenges and Blessings

"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect." 1 Peter 3:15
Especially if you are raising a precocious 6 year old. I've been challenged lately by all of Nathan's questions. It seems as if he just can't stop talking. He is either telling me how something works or why something is the way it is, or he's asking for an explanation about something he's witnessed or heard about. This is true of everyday life and of the spiritual things. I can't even begin to tell you all of his questions about heaven but I do want to share a conversation we had a couple of days ago. We always tell our kids that we love them, countless times each day and sometimes we joke about just loving them a little bit. Then we laugh and tell them that we love them bunches and bunches, forever and ever. After such an exchange, Nathan asks, "Mom, do you love me more than you love Jesus?" I, hesitantly, honestly answered "No, I don't." He was shocked and said, "You don't?"
"No," I said, "I love Jesus more than anyone."

"Why?" Nathan said.

Interject a quick "Help, Lord!!" prayer...

"Well, because Jesus loves us the best. He is the best at loving and He asks for us to give Him our best love. He requires the very best that we have to offer because He deserves the best."

Nathan still looks confused.

"See Buddy, that doesn't mean that I love you any less. As a matter of fact, it means that I love you more. One of the awesome things about God is that when we give Him all our love, He gives it all back and even more. And the love that He gives us back is even better than what we give Him because we can't love as good as He can. So after we love God, we have even more love and even better love to give to our families and our friends. By loving God first and the best, He teaches us how to love more and better."

That satisfied him for the time being. I can only pray that the next time he questions something, 'll be willing to put in the necessary prayer and attention that I need to in order to give him an answer that is Godly and age appropriate. It's work but I love seeing him grow in knowledge and love for God. These are the times when motherhood is such a blessing. :) For now, I'd better get better at reading my Bible so that I be prepared to answer my kids. And anyone else who God brings in my life... Lord, prepare my heart to be sensitive to the needs of others and to be listening to your Spirit when you are nudging me to speak Your words. I love you! Amen.

Autumn in Calaveras County

Our family is heading into a potentially very stressful time. On one hand, Lowell will be making more money and we'll be more financially stable. In order to accomplish this however, requires that he work a lot of overtime. Being home alone with three kids day after day can be very difficult - especially when cabin fever starts to set in. The kids really miss their daddy when he's gone and likewise, he misses them. Their relationships with their dad are so precious; they adore him. I'm very lucky to have a man in my life who is such a good father.

At the same time, our living situation is changing a little. For the sake of family privacy, I don't want to go into too much detail but I'm definitely nervous about it. On the other hand, I've been struggling with accepting myself. I need to get where I can be confident and at peace with myself regardless of the opinions or comments of those around me. I need to stop craving the acceptance and validation of others so desperately. This new wrinkle in our life is one that will either cause me a lot of grief or will teach me to get over my need to please. Maybe this will accomplish both. :) I'm praying that I will remain close to Christ so that I can tap into His strength to get through this latest challenge.

I've also been approached with the opportunity to counsel a family on the verge of separation. While it seems to be an awesome chance to help someone, I'm also terrified. I don't know that I'm capable of counseling. The family is very aware of my limited schooling and that I'm not licensed yet. I've researched the ethical concerns and, legally, so long as they are aware of my credentials and I'm not advertising myself as a licensed counselor, there isn't anything wrong with it. On the other hand, I believe that counseling carries a huge responsibility and I don't know that it is personally ethical for me to carry that responsibility without being fully trained. On the other hand, these people want me to help them. I've been praying for an opportunity to use my passion and I'm fully willing to admit when I'm in over my head. With all that said, I'm still terrified. I haven't commited to the job yet and I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

What I have been doing is working in the school quite a bit. My volunteering has kind of taken on a life of its own. I'm in Nathan's class Monday, Tuesday and Friday. Chloe's class on every other Thursday, Jillie's on the other Thursdays and Wednesdays I kind of get a day off. I say kind of because I'm available for whatever I'm needed to do. For example, I've helped in the library and I've stayed extra days in the classrooms. When I'm not in school, I'm cleaning my house, reading, hanging out with friends, or catching up on some projects. I'm scrapbooking a little bit and trying to get more into card making. I'm working on a Christmas present for Nathan's and Chloe's teachers. I can't give presents to Jillie's teachers, its forbidden by the state. Obnoxious, I know. Welcome to California.

Our moving to Arizona is looking like it will be summer. On one hand I'm bummed because I can't wait to be on our own. I can't wait for us to be independent. On the other hand, I'm going to miss our friends. And Lowell has a lot of work to do here at the house before we leave. It would be very stressful for him to try to accomplish all that he needs to before December. Also, I really like the school the kids are in and I would hate to go through the stress of finding a new one and moving them in the middle of the year. There are many things about our life here that I really enjoy but I know that God wants us to be in Arizona. Some days I just get bummed about missing everyone...

A Wonderful Website

I have to take a quick moment and share what I just discovered. It is a website called http://www.cuteoverload.com/ It is adorable, as it's name suggests, filled with pictures of animals. I just wasted about an hour finding loveable little ones suchas these... Aren't they absolutely superb??? :) Some of the pics on the site are obviously photoshopped, but most of them are origional. There is also a lot of video including an incredible one with two otters. Definitely worth checking out. I put it on my favorites list! :) We all need a few reasons to smile these days, so take a minute and appreciate all the beauty that God has created. The Bible says that if men don't worship Him, even the rocks will cry out because He demands praise. Can you imagine these guys praising God??? :) I think this guy is already getting started! :)