My Boogie got sick last night. She didn't start coughing, didn't have a stuffy nose... She just didn't feel good and wanted to snug with Mama on the couch. I noticed that she seemed to be a little warm and so I gave her some Tylenol for the fever. Around 5pm, she fell asleep. She woke up around 9 and still didn't feel very good. At that point, I told her that she needed to get some rest and told her to go back to bed. She didn't want to be in her room by herself, stating that she was scared, and came out onto the couch with me shortly after....
Long story short, I was tired, in and out of sleep, and she kept waking up. I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to her at first, just encouraged her to rest and go back to sleep. Until I was awoken by a screamed "MAMA!!!" She was on the end of our sectional directly opposite me and was freaking out about how the floor was moving. I told her to come over to me and she said she couldn't because the house was moving. This was strange enough to wake me up completely, at which point I reach out to her so that I could pull her over to me and felt her hand. She was on fire!
I jumped up and turned on the light in a effort to find the thermometer. She was not making a whole lot of sense - talking directly to people who were not in the room and then asking me questions that were totally off the wall. I was carrying on a conversation with her, so I know she wasn't asleep - besides, she had her eyes open. And when I asked her direct questions, like what her name is, etc., she knew the correct answers.
The thermometer finally beeped - 103.7 degrees.
Freak out time. That is the highest fever one of my kids have had. (I learned this morning from the doctor that, for children, 104 really isn't that bad... Well, coulda fooled me!) Apparently Jillian is extra sensitive to fever because this 104 had her completely delusional and hallucinating. She went from seeing people and talking to them, to freaking out because she was covered in red spots, to asking me if Nathan had died. I asked why she thought Nathan died. "Because he fell off a cliff" she said. Holy cow Kid... I assured her that Nathan was fine, he was sleeping and she could go see him if she wanted to. No, she was good, and fell back into a restless sleep only to awaken a few minutes later talking to some girls in her class and arguing about recess...
That was freaky. I gave her Tylenol immediately and prayed. And waited. 30 minutes later, nothing had changed. Fever was 103.6. So, I stripped her down to her little underwears and put her in front of the fan. And waited... I must have dozed off a little because when I woke up, I found a little ball of Boogie at the end of the couch. She had goosebumps on her legs. And a fever of 101.8. Are you kidding me!??!?! Its been over 2 hours!??! She was still pretty out of it and wasn't making much sense so I gave her more medication and laid her on my lap and rubbed her little head.
All this time I was trying to call Lowell to see what he wanted me to do. I knew that she was sick, but I didn't want to overreact but at the same time, I kept wondering what kind of irreparable damage I was doing to her brain. (See, freaked out mom!) Lowell never answered his phone so, in the end, I stayed at home and fretted.
I dropped the other kids off at school and then went straight to Urgent Care with the Booga. Before we left, her fever was still 101.5 but she seemed to be more coherent. At the doctor's it was only 99.8. The doctor tested her for strep and was surprised that she didn't have any other symptoms like coughing, stuffy nose etc. He checked her for an ear infection and listened to her lungs. All clear. So, what caused the fever? No idea. He's "pretty sure" she has the flu and that her's has just manifested itself with fever instead of all the other symptoms. Weird.
I just talked to Lowell, and according to him, she is acting like nothing was ever wrong. She's still a little tired, but no worse for wear. The doctor cautioned that around day 5 or 6, she may take a turn for the worse, but that is normal in the life of the flu.
As long as its nothing like last night, I can handle it.
I think.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Remember?
It seems that the hurdles never end... I learned yesterday that I missed the deadline for filing my application to the board to take the licensure exam in April. I now have to wait until October.... I have to say that throughout this process, I have really struggled with staying organized and on top of things. I have never felt like I've had all the information that I've needed, but I think that is more because I haven't ever taken the time to really read over the material that I do have. Also, whatever information I got in my classes about the exam and dates and times seemed to slip right through my memory... I hate not having my memory. I struggle with losing my car every time I park it in a parking lot bigger than a gas station. I lose my keys, my phone, my purse, my important papers, my laptop power cord, my medicines..... Everything. I lose things because I can't remember where I put them. So, I get motivated and create a "place" where they go. That's fantastic except then I can't remember where that place is... I forget what I went to the store for, what appointments I have coming up, the names of my doctors, what kind of medication I'm taking.... I forget. I just forget. And its infuriating. And stressful. And I believe that the more stressed I get about it, the worse it becomes. I'm stuck in this cycle and can't seem to find a way out.
Some may want to chalk this up to pregnancy brain, but honestly, I haven't had a memory since the time my seizures really picked up in both frequency and intensity in 2000-2001. The doctor's don't really have anything to say about the matter... Either they don't know what to do about it, or there isn't anything they can do, or they think its all in my head but regardless, something has to be done. I can't live like this any longer!!!! I need my brain back!
So, after this pregnancy, I'm going to actively attack the problem and see what can be done. I say after the baby because I can't take any kind of anxiety or depression meds while I'm pregnant. I get very depressed when I forget things because I feel so stupid and get very down on myself for forgetting. I feel like I should be better or more organized or something! And then I get upset because I'm letting it get to me - Yet another way I'm failing, by letting it bother me... You can see the pattern here. Its a spiral that has no end and no bottom.
This is an issue that doesn't just affect me and that upsets me even more. The issue of me getting my license and getting a better job also affects my husband. He's working crazy hours and not sleeping enough and getting to the point where he feels like his health is being affected by both his crazy hours and stress. So, he's waiting for me to find something so that he can move onto something that works better... And, now because I am where I am - both pregnant and unable to take my test when we had planned - I feel like a failure. I want to be able to help him; I don't want him to put his health on the line... I want him around for a long, long, long time!!! And I definitely want to be able to give back some of what he's given to our family.
As of right now, I'm staying where I am, but I'm still applying every day I can and praying that something comes up. Whatever God has planned... I just hope it comes soon!
Some may want to chalk this up to pregnancy brain, but honestly, I haven't had a memory since the time my seizures really picked up in both frequency and intensity in 2000-2001. The doctor's don't really have anything to say about the matter... Either they don't know what to do about it, or there isn't anything they can do, or they think its all in my head but regardless, something has to be done. I can't live like this any longer!!!! I need my brain back!
So, after this pregnancy, I'm going to actively attack the problem and see what can be done. I say after the baby because I can't take any kind of anxiety or depression meds while I'm pregnant. I get very depressed when I forget things because I feel so stupid and get very down on myself for forgetting. I feel like I should be better or more organized or something! And then I get upset because I'm letting it get to me - Yet another way I'm failing, by letting it bother me... You can see the pattern here. Its a spiral that has no end and no bottom.
This is an issue that doesn't just affect me and that upsets me even more. The issue of me getting my license and getting a better job also affects my husband. He's working crazy hours and not sleeping enough and getting to the point where he feels like his health is being affected by both his crazy hours and stress. So, he's waiting for me to find something so that he can move onto something that works better... And, now because I am where I am - both pregnant and unable to take my test when we had planned - I feel like a failure. I want to be able to help him; I don't want him to put his health on the line... I want him around for a long, long, long time!!! And I definitely want to be able to give back some of what he's given to our family.
As of right now, I'm staying where I am, but I'm still applying every day I can and praying that something comes up. Whatever God has planned... I just hope it comes soon!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
WiFi!!!
Well, I'm at BK using WiFi and this time, I brought my camera so, lets see what the Trent children have been up to!! :)
Also, we have a gopher. Or, according to Jillian, a gol-fur. Lowell was watering the lawn yesterday and scared out a little gopher and then trapped him with a plastic bin. The kids have been feeding him and Lowell says that he's going to take him to another field and let him go. I think that's code for killing him, but we'll see.
These are my girls being cute rig
ht around Christmas time. Yes, they're wearing dresses, Chloe's without sleeves, because it was about 75 degrees on Christmas. We were making Christmas cookies for the party at church for the Toddler room volunteers.
This is Jille's new dress that she got for Christmas. She's also wearing the necklace that Chloe gave her. I found this dress at the thrift store, but she seems to love it.
Nathan and Chloe hugging as thanks for the gifts they gave each other. Chloe is wearing her new dress - also from the thrift store. We went super cheap this year. :)
Daddy decided to burn off some of the weeds in our yard a couple weeks ago and so Nathan got suited up and ready to protect our house. He has a tank that he wears on his back with a hose that he can use to shoot out water so Lowell would start the little fires and 
Nathan would run around behind him putting them out. This was actually the second night of firefighting, all for my benefit so that I could immortalize the act in photos. :)
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Mommy Guilt
A new approach...
Why we should embrace the mommy guilt
By Teresa Strasser
Gordon Gekko from the movie "Wall Street," parenting guru? Maybe.
After months of people telling me not to feel guilty, and my deeply rooted inability to take that advice, I have a new mantra, and it’s all thanks to Michael Douglas as Gordon Gekko. Gordon had greed. I have guilt.
Guilt – for lack of a better word – is good.
Guilt is right.
Guilt works.
Conventional wisdom and pop psychology better duck, because Gordon and I are about to fly into your upbeat, sappy, stupid face. Guilt is seen as a waste of time, as the unresolved issue of a negative mother who does not “let things go.” By the way, when people tell me to “let things go,” I mainly just want to let my handbag go into their testicles or jugular. Maybe holding onto things isn’t so bad. That’s right, maybe guilt is good.
In my 15 months as a mother, I’ve done a lot of whining and crying, and a lot of apologizing for whining and crying about what I know are high-quality, first-world problems with my beautiful, healthy child. Still, to me, my anxieties are heavy. I drag them around in a diaper bag of doubt, and telling me to put them down doesn’t help.
I worry that I don’t know how to play with my child, that I work too many hours, that it’s my fault he caught hand, foot and mouth disease because I took him to the germ-infested play area at the mall. I feel guilty because sometimes I look at a guy reading the paper at a coffee shop and I want to yell, “Do you know what it’s like to have the clock ticking every second? You don’t have to be at daycare in 20 minutes, do you? DO YOU, DUMMY?”
I feel guilty because when my son picks up a cell phone, he calls it “mama.” My son thinks phones are called “mamas.” Do my guilt minutes roll over?
I feel guilty when I let him cry it out at night. I feel guilty when I run in to soothe him, because I should be letting him soothe himself.
There is guilt when I drive him around to do errands, because that must suck, being all trapped in a car seat listening to people yammer on NPR, or worse, mom singing some Dixie Chicks song. There is guilt when we stay home, just staring at the same old toys without the stimulation his little brain needs. There is guilt when he kicks his feet and cries when I leave him with the sitter, and there is guilt when he smiles and beams at the sitter when I go, because he must love her more.
There are degrees of guilt, and there are colors and textures of guilt, but there is guilt for almost every parenting occasion. It’s not like I spend every waking moment doused in it, but whenever I mention that I might feel … gulp, guilty … about being a working mom, or an imperfect mom, or an impatient mom, or a un-fun mom, I get the same story. “Never feel guilty. You’re doing your best.”
This sounds so wise.
I’ve finally concluded that, at least for me, it’s not possible.
If I didn’t second-guess and approach each challenge with a pinch of self-doubt, I wouldn’t be me. And since I can’t let go of my guilt, I’m embracing the hell out of it.
Guilt makes me stop by the bookstore for two books on toddler brain development. Guilt makes me turn off the phone during playtime, while I try to make peek-a-boo fun for him and be totally present. Guilt makes me scour the web for rainy-day activities, so we find places like the automotive museum with a special floor just for kids. Guilt makes me visit a day care nine times before choosing it.
If I didn’t love that guy so deeply and so fully, I wouldn’t feel guilt. My guilt is a teddy bear I cling to when I don’t know if I’m doing any of this the best I can. My guilt reminds me I’m doing the only thing my child absolutely needs me to do: love him with the fiery intensity of a million Gordon Gekkos.
Moms who don’t feel guilty, let me be the first to say, good for you. Keep doing what you’re doing. You can skip this.
Moms who strap the guilt into the car seat every day: Are you as sick as I am of well-meaning, dodo self-help readers telling you not to feel guilty when you can’t help yourself? I’m hoping you can hear Michael Douglas whispering to you. Stop beating yourself up over beating yourself up. Guilt is good.
Guilt is right. Guilt works.
You know who never felt guilty? That mom that left her kids starving and chained to the radiator. Okay, now I feel guilty for saying that.
Teresa Strasser is an Emmy Award-winning writer and author of “Exploiting My Baby,” which Life & Style magazine calls a "hilarious first time memoir about motherhood." You can read her blog at ExploitingMyBaby.com.
Why we should embrace the mommy guilt
By Teresa Strasser
Gordon Gekko from the movie "Wall Street," parenting guru? Maybe.
After months of people telling me not to feel guilty, and my deeply rooted inability to take that advice, I have a new mantra, and it’s all thanks to Michael Douglas as Gordon Gekko. Gordon had greed. I have guilt.
Guilt – for lack of a better word – is good.
Guilt is right.
Guilt works.
Conventional wisdom and pop psychology better duck, because Gordon and I are about to fly into your upbeat, sappy, stupid face. Guilt is seen as a waste of time, as the unresolved issue of a negative mother who does not “let things go.” By the way, when people tell me to “let things go,” I mainly just want to let my handbag go into their testicles or jugular. Maybe holding onto things isn’t so bad. That’s right, maybe guilt is good.
In my 15 months as a mother, I’ve done a lot of whining and crying, and a lot of apologizing for whining and crying about what I know are high-quality, first-world problems with my beautiful, healthy child. Still, to me, my anxieties are heavy. I drag them around in a diaper bag of doubt, and telling me to put them down doesn’t help.
I worry that I don’t know how to play with my child, that I work too many hours, that it’s my fault he caught hand, foot and mouth disease because I took him to the germ-infested play area at the mall. I feel guilty because sometimes I look at a guy reading the paper at a coffee shop and I want to yell, “Do you know what it’s like to have the clock ticking every second? You don’t have to be at daycare in 20 minutes, do you? DO YOU, DUMMY?”
I feel guilty because when my son picks up a cell phone, he calls it “mama.” My son thinks phones are called “mamas.” Do my guilt minutes roll over?
I feel guilty when I let him cry it out at night. I feel guilty when I run in to soothe him, because I should be letting him soothe himself.
There is guilt when I drive him around to do errands, because that must suck, being all trapped in a car seat listening to people yammer on NPR, or worse, mom singing some Dixie Chicks song. There is guilt when we stay home, just staring at the same old toys without the stimulation his little brain needs. There is guilt when he kicks his feet and cries when I leave him with the sitter, and there is guilt when he smiles and beams at the sitter when I go, because he must love her more.
There are degrees of guilt, and there are colors and textures of guilt, but there is guilt for almost every parenting occasion. It’s not like I spend every waking moment doused in it, but whenever I mention that I might feel … gulp, guilty … about being a working mom, or an imperfect mom, or an impatient mom, or a un-fun mom, I get the same story. “Never feel guilty. You’re doing your best.”
This sounds so wise.
I’ve finally concluded that, at least for me, it’s not possible.
If I didn’t second-guess and approach each challenge with a pinch of self-doubt, I wouldn’t be me. And since I can’t let go of my guilt, I’m embracing the hell out of it.
Guilt makes me stop by the bookstore for two books on toddler brain development. Guilt makes me turn off the phone during playtime, while I try to make peek-a-boo fun for him and be totally present. Guilt makes me scour the web for rainy-day activities, so we find places like the automotive museum with a special floor just for kids. Guilt makes me visit a day care nine times before choosing it.
If I didn’t love that guy so deeply and so fully, I wouldn’t feel guilt. My guilt is a teddy bear I cling to when I don’t know if I’m doing any of this the best I can. My guilt reminds me I’m doing the only thing my child absolutely needs me to do: love him with the fiery intensity of a million Gordon Gekkos.
Moms who don’t feel guilty, let me be the first to say, good for you. Keep doing what you’re doing. You can skip this.
Moms who strap the guilt into the car seat every day: Are you as sick as I am of well-meaning, dodo self-help readers telling you not to feel guilty when you can’t help yourself? I’m hoping you can hear Michael Douglas whispering to you. Stop beating yourself up over beating yourself up. Guilt is good.
Guilt is right. Guilt works.
You know who never felt guilty? That mom that left her kids starving and chained to the radiator. Okay, now I feel guilty for saying that.
Teresa Strasser is an Emmy Award-winning writer and author of “Exploiting My Baby,” which Life & Style magazine calls a "hilarious first time memoir about motherhood." You can read her blog at ExploitingMyBaby.com.
Monday, February 7, 2011
More General Updates
**We had our Superbowl party last night. Our old next door neighbors came as well as another neighbor. We had about 15 people in our house and had a lot of fun. Lowell bar-b-qued hot dogs and hamburgers and I made a Jell-o cake; our neighbors brought chicken wings and we were good to go! :) Our kids didn't get in bed until after 9pm so I'm sure they will be really tired when Daddy picks them up from school today, They all said they had a really good time. The kids played football, volleyball and monkey-in-the-middle until it got dark and then had a massive Wii fest. Lowell was smart enough to come up with the idea of hooking up our other TV in our family room just for the Wii so that the kids could be occupied while the adults watched the game. We had a split crowd - some for the Steelers and some Packers fans but we all enjoyed the commercials. (Hands down favorite was the Careerbuilder spot with the monkeys, but the VW bettle came in a close second.)
**I know I haven't posted any pictures lately - and I aching to - but with not having internet at home, I have to take both my camera and laptop to Burger King and attempt to upload pics. I'll see if I can get around to that this weekend. I haven't really taken any recent pictures that I can remember so maybe I'll have to take some first!! :)
**It really seems like the to-do list never ends... I was frustrated Saturday because it seems that, no matter how good of a job we do cleaning the house the previous Saturday, it is always destroyed again. I grew up as an only child with a retired "mom". The house was always spotless. I mean always. Spotless. No dust, no dishes, no laundry. Spotless. So that's the standard that I'm trying to live up to. And I work, and go to school and have three and a half kids. Its basically an impossible dream, but yet I still get so frustrated when I'm unable to meet it! Why can't I let it go and be happy about what I am getting done!!?!?! Aggravating!
**I've also hit a bit of a dead end with my practicum... I've gotten three interview offers, but all for positions that were on the far side of the valley. I have been looking for somewhere to work in the west valley, but with no luck. I'm seriously thinking about going door-to-door at private practices to see if I have better luck with them. Honestly, I think I would prefer to work in a private practice instead of in a big, mental health organization. All I know for sure is that the clock is ticking and I'm stressed about how this is all going to work out with my financial aid. I'm sure God has something planned, but at this point, I have no clue what it may be. I am continuing to apply online to various positions and, maybe I'll start going from place to place on Thursday.
**Chloe has her follow-up with the surgeon this week. Finally. I honestly should have done it last week, but I am just so swamped and feel like I'm doing my best just to keep my head above water. I'm just going to give myself kudos that I finally got it scheduled!! I'm sure that she'll be given a clean bill of health and she's very excited about being able to do PE again. It is so hard to believe that 3 weeks ago she was having surgery. You'd never know it to look at her now!
**Baby #4 is still unnamed. And beginning to act up a little. I started having some minor contractions on Friday and a little on Saturday. By Sunday, they had subsided and today I've only had a dull backache. The nurse that is going to teach Lowell how to give me the shot was supposed to come out this morning, but I received a call last night that they were going to have to re-schedule. I was a little frustrated because I made it very clear that it was Monday morning or nothing, but I suppose it couldn't be helped. So, next Monday it is. If things get too bad this week, I can always go into my doctor's office and have them give me a shot - or I could just trust Lowell's innate nursing ability and let him give it a try. My medicine is mailed to me monthly and in the first package, they included a vial of sodium and a tennis ball for Lowell to practice on. This oughta be interesting. :)
**I know I haven't posted any pictures lately - and I aching to - but with not having internet at home, I have to take both my camera and laptop to Burger King and attempt to upload pics. I'll see if I can get around to that this weekend. I haven't really taken any recent pictures that I can remember so maybe I'll have to take some first!! :)
**It really seems like the to-do list never ends... I was frustrated Saturday because it seems that, no matter how good of a job we do cleaning the house the previous Saturday, it is always destroyed again. I grew up as an only child with a retired "mom". The house was always spotless. I mean always. Spotless. No dust, no dishes, no laundry. Spotless. So that's the standard that I'm trying to live up to. And I work, and go to school and have three and a half kids. Its basically an impossible dream, but yet I still get so frustrated when I'm unable to meet it! Why can't I let it go and be happy about what I am getting done!!?!?! Aggravating!
**I've also hit a bit of a dead end with my practicum... I've gotten three interview offers, but all for positions that were on the far side of the valley. I have been looking for somewhere to work in the west valley, but with no luck. I'm seriously thinking about going door-to-door at private practices to see if I have better luck with them. Honestly, I think I would prefer to work in a private practice instead of in a big, mental health organization. All I know for sure is that the clock is ticking and I'm stressed about how this is all going to work out with my financial aid. I'm sure God has something planned, but at this point, I have no clue what it may be. I am continuing to apply online to various positions and, maybe I'll start going from place to place on Thursday.
**Chloe has her follow-up with the surgeon this week. Finally. I honestly should have done it last week, but I am just so swamped and feel like I'm doing my best just to keep my head above water. I'm just going to give myself kudos that I finally got it scheduled!! I'm sure that she'll be given a clean bill of health and she's very excited about being able to do PE again. It is so hard to believe that 3 weeks ago she was having surgery. You'd never know it to look at her now!
**Baby #4 is still unnamed. And beginning to act up a little. I started having some minor contractions on Friday and a little on Saturday. By Sunday, they had subsided and today I've only had a dull backache. The nurse that is going to teach Lowell how to give me the shot was supposed to come out this morning, but I received a call last night that they were going to have to re-schedule. I was a little frustrated because I made it very clear that it was Monday morning or nothing, but I suppose it couldn't be helped. So, next Monday it is. If things get too bad this week, I can always go into my doctor's office and have them give me a shot - or I could just trust Lowell's innate nursing ability and let him give it a try. My medicine is mailed to me monthly and in the first package, they included a vial of sodium and a tennis ball for Lowell to practice on. This oughta be interesting. :)
An Angry Little Woman
Before our Superbowl party, the kids and I went to church. As always, after I have a day where my behavior is less than I'd like it to be, I was struggling with how seriously imperfect and screwed up I am. I was beating myself up and agonizing over how horrible a parent I am. So, lo and behold, the sermon topic was on anger. Perfect. I have known for quite awhile that I have some bottled up anger that causes me to fly off the handle about things that really don't matter - things that really don't bother me, but are symptoms of my underlying frustration. It has also frustrated me for a long time that I really don't know what I'm mad about. I don't know where this anger comes from.... So, sitting in the chair before church started, I prayed for God to really show me what was going on so that I could be freed from it.
Long story short, the pastor talked about how anger is not bad in and of itself, it is our reaction that can be a problem. The Bible even says, "In your anger, do not sin" (Eph. 4:26). So it is understood that we will feel angry, the point is to not hurt people with our response to anger. Even Jesus got angry. But I digress.. Acknowledging that I am angry and that this isn't a bad thing was helpful, but it wasn't enough. I still wanted to understand why I was feeling angry and what I could do about it.
Another thing that I've long known is that anger is often a product of pain or fear. Pastor touched on this as well.... So I began to consider what I may be hurt about or afraid of. I'm afraid of a lot of things. And getting hurt is one of them, coincidentally. I began to pray for God to open my eyes to what was really going on and for Him to begin the healing process. I don't want to be an angry mom or an angry person. I could never have imagined myself with an anger issue when I thought about my future and yet, here I am.
In high school, I don't ever remember being angry or lashing out. And I also didn't ever really have an issue with self-esteem. Yet now, I struggle with both of these. Why? Obviously, a lot has changed about life in the past 15 years, but what could have caused these struggles? And why am I still having such a hard time with them, even though I've worked and worked to overcome them??? So, here I am, thinking about what could have possibly have triggered such a dramatic change in personality. I know that the change was not overnight, and so the healing will also not be an overnight process but I still long for that person I was. And for understanding about how I came to be here.
I'm discouraged about how down on myself I get simply because I do let my anger get the better of me and because at time, I'm totally overcome with fear. I feel guilty about how my personality and my choices are affecting those who are most precious in my life. I know that Lowell would love for me to be the girl he married... And I guarantee that my children would rather I not be so cranky at times. I highly doubt that getting angry at myself or spending time regretting the times that I screw up helps the situation at all, but I can't seem to help it. I just wish I were fixed!!!
I also get frustrated because I know that God has placed me in this position as mom, wife, church volunteer and working woman because He wants to use me. And then I think about all the times that I'm a less-than-ideal role model, or when I'm just a crappy person - not to mention a bad representative of His love... This morning on the way to work, I was trying to keep my mind focused and not allow it to run away with my fearful, anxious thoughts and I heard a song that reminded me that God doesn't need me. His plan will come to fruition whether I screw up or not. He doesn't rely on me and I certainly can't mess things up for Him. He chooses to use me and also to use my failures - He doesn't need a perfect servant, only a willing one. Makes me feel a little better.
But I'd still like to stop screwing up.
Long story short, the pastor talked about how anger is not bad in and of itself, it is our reaction that can be a problem. The Bible even says, "In your anger, do not sin" (Eph. 4:26). So it is understood that we will feel angry, the point is to not hurt people with our response to anger. Even Jesus got angry. But I digress.. Acknowledging that I am angry and that this isn't a bad thing was helpful, but it wasn't enough. I still wanted to understand why I was feeling angry and what I could do about it.
Another thing that I've long known is that anger is often a product of pain or fear. Pastor touched on this as well.... So I began to consider what I may be hurt about or afraid of. I'm afraid of a lot of things. And getting hurt is one of them, coincidentally. I began to pray for God to open my eyes to what was really going on and for Him to begin the healing process. I don't want to be an angry mom or an angry person. I could never have imagined myself with an anger issue when I thought about my future and yet, here I am.
In high school, I don't ever remember being angry or lashing out. And I also didn't ever really have an issue with self-esteem. Yet now, I struggle with both of these. Why? Obviously, a lot has changed about life in the past 15 years, but what could have caused these struggles? And why am I still having such a hard time with them, even though I've worked and worked to overcome them??? So, here I am, thinking about what could have possibly have triggered such a dramatic change in personality. I know that the change was not overnight, and so the healing will also not be an overnight process but I still long for that person I was. And for understanding about how I came to be here.
I'm discouraged about how down on myself I get simply because I do let my anger get the better of me and because at time, I'm totally overcome with fear. I feel guilty about how my personality and my choices are affecting those who are most precious in my life. I know that Lowell would love for me to be the girl he married... And I guarantee that my children would rather I not be so cranky at times. I highly doubt that getting angry at myself or spending time regretting the times that I screw up helps the situation at all, but I can't seem to help it. I just wish I were fixed!!!
I also get frustrated because I know that God has placed me in this position as mom, wife, church volunteer and working woman because He wants to use me. And then I think about all the times that I'm a less-than-ideal role model, or when I'm just a crappy person - not to mention a bad representative of His love... This morning on the way to work, I was trying to keep my mind focused and not allow it to run away with my fearful, anxious thoughts and I heard a song that reminded me that God doesn't need me. His plan will come to fruition whether I screw up or not. He doesn't rely on me and I certainly can't mess things up for Him. He chooses to use me and also to use my failures - He doesn't need a perfect servant, only a willing one. Makes me feel a little better.
But I'd still like to stop screwing up.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Snippets of News
* Chloe's teacher says that Chloe is reading at over a year above grade level! :) Good job Baby Girl! She seems to be skating through school - she has tons of friends, she loves her teacher and she never struggles with her homework. Hopefully this trend will follow her throughout her school career! :) She likes having her own room and we've been working on decorating it lately. She's got flowers hanging on the wall and wall-decals of fairies. She wants a "Garden" theme.
*Nathan is doing a great job learning his multiplication tables and working on keeping his room clean. We're working on a better routine that will allow him to play but then have scheduled time to clean up. Its never a good idea to start cleaning at 5:15 when we need to leave at 5:20; that sets him up for failure. This new idea is going to force me to be more cognizant of time management and giving him an appropriate warning of when I need his room clean. He still has a goal of getting on Principal's List this quarter and so we're working toward it - but I'm also trying to get him to relax and not get so frustrated by his "failures" or the times when he doesn't live up to his own high standards. I don't want him to get too discouraged - I want to focus on the successes and show him how he's doing a great job. He too easily gets stuck on the bad things.
* Jillian is adorable and still loving school. She is doing a great job reading. Her current favorite is The Cat in the Hat. She's still learning how to tie her shoes but she just needs practice to iron out the kinks. She's also still my little pot-stirrer. She hasn't learned to respect boundaries yet - she still plays with toys that aren't hers without asking and wears Chloe's clothes without permission... But she also fiercely loves her siblings. She's the one of my three that is absolutely devoted to her siblings. She gets upset if they don't say goodbye to her when they get out of the car in the morning for school and she definitely has a hard time when Nathan and Chloe want to play together without her.
*Baby #4 - We still don't have a name picked out but Lowell is beginning to appear a little more involved and/or excited. I'm trying to take it slowly and not push him too much. Starting next week, I have to have weekly injections of Progesterone in order to keep me from going into pre-term labor. The good thing (or bad depending on your perspective) is that my insurance will cover for a nurse to come to our house and teach Lowell how to give me the shots so that I don't have to go to the doctor's office each week. They're going to mail me the medication and then next Monday, hopefully, the nurse will come out and we'll start the injections. I've heard that this med is thick and the shot feels like a tetanus shot. Not really looking forward to having one of those each week, but I gotta do what I gotta do.
Emotionally, I've been on a little of a roller-coaster ride lately. I am going to chalk it up to hormones but I'm getting sick of the ride. I'm praying that the end of my second trimester will also signal the end of my emotionality. (Power of positive thinking, right?) I'm currently 23 weeks or so.
*Superbowl - We've invited some friends over for the big day and we're looking forward to having some adult company. These friends have children who are the same ages as our kids and they all love each other. I'm not sure what to do food wise.... Right now I'm concentrating on making my house presentable for non-family visitors. :)
*Work/Practicum - I'm still looking for a place where I can work and do my practicum hours also. I had a couple of interviews scheduled for last week and earlier this week but they were all in the far east valley. (We live in the FAR west valley.) Lowell and I had considered moving to that side of town because that's where Lowell works, but at the last minute decided that we don't want to up-root the kids again. We just don't want to move so we're going to wait it out until I find something closer to home. (Note: I need to blog about my stresses from that day and how God was faithful... Hopefully soon! :)) So, I'm back to the drawing board as far as finding a place to get my hours. The major problem is that I'm under a time crunch. I have to find a place to get hours soon or my financial aid for this quarter will be sent back. And I'll have to re-apply for next quarter. Right now it looks like I have to find a placement and have my paperwork submitted by next Friday in order to guarantee that I don't lose my financial aid.
*Lowell's work is going well. They are still really pushing him to take a supervisory role. They also want him to move to first shift which would be fantastic for his sleeping schedule and great for our family time, but is impossible with our current schedule. I don't get home in time to pick up the kids from school, so he has to be there. I'm still praying about it... I know that there's a plan, I'm just waiting to see what it is. I would love to be able to work part time, volunteer at the kids' school and still be around for the new baby. And Lowell says that he could get a lot of overtime hours to make up the difference in pay. We'll have to see how that goes.
*Nathan is doing a great job learning his multiplication tables and working on keeping his room clean. We're working on a better routine that will allow him to play but then have scheduled time to clean up. Its never a good idea to start cleaning at 5:15 when we need to leave at 5:20; that sets him up for failure. This new idea is going to force me to be more cognizant of time management and giving him an appropriate warning of when I need his room clean. He still has a goal of getting on Principal's List this quarter and so we're working toward it - but I'm also trying to get him to relax and not get so frustrated by his "failures" or the times when he doesn't live up to his own high standards. I don't want him to get too discouraged - I want to focus on the successes and show him how he's doing a great job. He too easily gets stuck on the bad things.
* Jillian is adorable and still loving school. She is doing a great job reading. Her current favorite is The Cat in the Hat. She's still learning how to tie her shoes but she just needs practice to iron out the kinks. She's also still my little pot-stirrer. She hasn't learned to respect boundaries yet - she still plays with toys that aren't hers without asking and wears Chloe's clothes without permission... But she also fiercely loves her siblings. She's the one of my three that is absolutely devoted to her siblings. She gets upset if they don't say goodbye to her when they get out of the car in the morning for school and she definitely has a hard time when Nathan and Chloe want to play together without her.
*Baby #4 - We still don't have a name picked out but Lowell is beginning to appear a little more involved and/or excited. I'm trying to take it slowly and not push him too much. Starting next week, I have to have weekly injections of Progesterone in order to keep me from going into pre-term labor. The good thing (or bad depending on your perspective) is that my insurance will cover for a nurse to come to our house and teach Lowell how to give me the shots so that I don't have to go to the doctor's office each week. They're going to mail me the medication and then next Monday, hopefully, the nurse will come out and we'll start the injections. I've heard that this med is thick and the shot feels like a tetanus shot. Not really looking forward to having one of those each week, but I gotta do what I gotta do.
Emotionally, I've been on a little of a roller-coaster ride lately. I am going to chalk it up to hormones but I'm getting sick of the ride. I'm praying that the end of my second trimester will also signal the end of my emotionality. (Power of positive thinking, right?) I'm currently 23 weeks or so.
*Superbowl - We've invited some friends over for the big day and we're looking forward to having some adult company. These friends have children who are the same ages as our kids and they all love each other. I'm not sure what to do food wise.... Right now I'm concentrating on making my house presentable for non-family visitors. :)
*Work/Practicum - I'm still looking for a place where I can work and do my practicum hours also. I had a couple of interviews scheduled for last week and earlier this week but they were all in the far east valley. (We live in the FAR west valley.) Lowell and I had considered moving to that side of town because that's where Lowell works, but at the last minute decided that we don't want to up-root the kids again. We just don't want to move so we're going to wait it out until I find something closer to home. (Note: I need to blog about my stresses from that day and how God was faithful... Hopefully soon! :)) So, I'm back to the drawing board as far as finding a place to get my hours. The major problem is that I'm under a time crunch. I have to find a place to get hours soon or my financial aid for this quarter will be sent back. And I'll have to re-apply for next quarter. Right now it looks like I have to find a placement and have my paperwork submitted by next Friday in order to guarantee that I don't lose my financial aid.
*Lowell's work is going well. They are still really pushing him to take a supervisory role. They also want him to move to first shift which would be fantastic for his sleeping schedule and great for our family time, but is impossible with our current schedule. I don't get home in time to pick up the kids from school, so he has to be there. I'm still praying about it... I know that there's a plan, I'm just waiting to see what it is. I would love to be able to work part time, volunteer at the kids' school and still be around for the new baby. And Lowell says that he could get a lot of overtime hours to make up the difference in pay. We'll have to see how that goes.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
My Little Buggie and His Pencils
I cried today. Hard. One of those ugly cries that comes from the gut...
I once read a quote, I don't remember who said it but I experienced it today.. The quote said something to the effect that when you have children, you basically pull your heart out of your chest and let it walk around. When I first read it, I thought about how critical the heart is to the body, how intimate the relationship between mother and child...
But today shed new light on that quote. When your heart is walking around - people can wound it. They can hurt it and say mean things to it and cause it pain. And I saw my son in pain today. And it shattered me for a moment. I was completely broken by the fact that my son was experiencing discomfort. I long for him to be spared the harshness of those experiences that seem to occur almost daily at schools around the country; the bullying, the teasing, the super-high expectations placed on the kids...
Nathan has begun to feel like he fails more than he succeeds. This is coming from a boy with almost perfect grades who is sooooo smart and so well liked by his peers. Nevertheless, he is experiencing doubt and fear. He doesn't always succeed. He's failed some quizzes and he's had his recess taken away on more than a few occasions...
I know that these experiences are meant to help him grow to deal with failure in life, to teach him time management and responsibility. But he is so fantastic! I don't want his focus to be on the negative. This pessimism has begun to encompass his entire outlook on life - on his sisters, on his lot in life, his abilities and his own worth.
Today this discomfort manifested itself with a simple assignment that was given to help the kids learn about profit and loss. They were each supposed to set up a store. They could either buy their merchandise - spending no more than $3 dollars, or they could bring things from home - homemade items or old toys, but they had to all be valued at $3. Nathan wanted to sell pencils. And he wanted cool pencils.
I could not, for the life of me, find cool pencils in bulk for less than $3.... And so I planned a trip to Michaels after work yesterday. And then I totally forgot. I came home without pencils. And by the time I remembered, it was too late. I was absolutely heartbroken. Nathan was so disappointed that he would only have 6 pencils (the most I could get from Staples for $3.) and that he was "a one man stand". (That phrase broke my heart)
Apparently, some of the other children had buddied up and made mega-stores by pooling their resources. There was nothing about this practice mentioned in the literature that came from school.
So, in the end, I ran to the dollar store and waited until 8am when they opened and got some pencils - $3 worth - 20 in all and dropped them off to him. Then I went to work where I stressed all day and called Nathan the minute his dad picked him up. Come to find out, he had a great time - sold all his pencils and made a profit. :)
I was proud of him. Proud of him for being willing to stand at his little "one man store" and sell his 6 pencils... Even though he was disappointed and a little ashamed of his meager lot... Because Nathan was at music when I dropped off the pencils, I had a chance to talk to his teacher a little. I mentioned that I was bringing more pencils and his teacher said, "Oh good because he came to me this morning and said, 'This is all I have' (meaning his six pencils)" I can just see him standing there looking dejectedly at the amount of things he'd be able to sell compared to the dozens that his classmates had... Again, broken heart... I teared up in the classroom because of his disappointment.... I had to excuse myself and get out of there.
I have no idea why, but even typing this story, my heart gets all balled up and the tears start to flow... I just get so emotional about my little boy.
In the end, he had a great day and the store was successful. But I think I'll be affected for a long time when I think about the pencil store.
I once read a quote, I don't remember who said it but I experienced it today.. The quote said something to the effect that when you have children, you basically pull your heart out of your chest and let it walk around. When I first read it, I thought about how critical the heart is to the body, how intimate the relationship between mother and child...
But today shed new light on that quote. When your heart is walking around - people can wound it. They can hurt it and say mean things to it and cause it pain. And I saw my son in pain today. And it shattered me for a moment. I was completely broken by the fact that my son was experiencing discomfort. I long for him to be spared the harshness of those experiences that seem to occur almost daily at schools around the country; the bullying, the teasing, the super-high expectations placed on the kids...
Nathan has begun to feel like he fails more than he succeeds. This is coming from a boy with almost perfect grades who is sooooo smart and so well liked by his peers. Nevertheless, he is experiencing doubt and fear. He doesn't always succeed. He's failed some quizzes and he's had his recess taken away on more than a few occasions...
I know that these experiences are meant to help him grow to deal with failure in life, to teach him time management and responsibility. But he is so fantastic! I don't want his focus to be on the negative. This pessimism has begun to encompass his entire outlook on life - on his sisters, on his lot in life, his abilities and his own worth.
Today this discomfort manifested itself with a simple assignment that was given to help the kids learn about profit and loss. They were each supposed to set up a store. They could either buy their merchandise - spending no more than $3 dollars, or they could bring things from home - homemade items or old toys, but they had to all be valued at $3. Nathan wanted to sell pencils. And he wanted cool pencils.
I could not, for the life of me, find cool pencils in bulk for less than $3.... And so I planned a trip to Michaels after work yesterday. And then I totally forgot. I came home without pencils. And by the time I remembered, it was too late. I was absolutely heartbroken. Nathan was so disappointed that he would only have 6 pencils (the most I could get from Staples for $3.) and that he was "a one man stand". (That phrase broke my heart)
Apparently, some of the other children had buddied up and made mega-stores by pooling their resources. There was nothing about this practice mentioned in the literature that came from school.
So, in the end, I ran to the dollar store and waited until 8am when they opened and got some pencils - $3 worth - 20 in all and dropped them off to him. Then I went to work where I stressed all day and called Nathan the minute his dad picked him up. Come to find out, he had a great time - sold all his pencils and made a profit. :)
I was proud of him. Proud of him for being willing to stand at his little "one man store" and sell his 6 pencils... Even though he was disappointed and a little ashamed of his meager lot... Because Nathan was at music when I dropped off the pencils, I had a chance to talk to his teacher a little. I mentioned that I was bringing more pencils and his teacher said, "Oh good because he came to me this morning and said, 'This is all I have' (meaning his six pencils)" I can just see him standing there looking dejectedly at the amount of things he'd be able to sell compared to the dozens that his classmates had... Again, broken heart... I teared up in the classroom because of his disappointment.... I had to excuse myself and get out of there.
I have no idea why, but even typing this story, my heart gets all balled up and the tears start to flow... I just get so emotional about my little boy.
In the end, he had a great day and the store was successful. But I think I'll be affected for a long time when I think about the pencil store.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
News
I supposed its about time to blog about whats been going on in our lives for the past 3 months. I don't think there's anyone that I'm hiding from anymore so, here goes. I'm pregnant.
Yep. That's right. Baby #4. Holy crap. This was completely unplanned and was even being prevented when it happened so, I believe we're working on God's agenda instead of our own. When we found out, we were a little more than shocked and unprepared. We have long believed that our family was complete and we were both very happy with our three little minions. This new baby brought so much uncertainty to our lives and completely interrupted the "plan" that we had for the next couple years of our lives.
I was in the middle of beginning to look for a practicum site, I was finishing up my classes and getting ready to move on with my career. How would a baby affect that?
Our other children are all self-sufficient and all go to school. They have chores, they help out around the house and they can feed, dress and clean up after themselves... And my house is still quite a mess. How are we going to manage with an infant?
We have school-aged kids - we got rid of all of our baby stuff a LONG time ago... Where are we going to get money for all the "baby stuff" that we will need?
We LOVE our little family - just as it is... How will having another child affect our family? Will our kids feel neglected or resent that they have to share even more of the time and resources of the family?
Speaking of resources, we were just getting to the point of being able to go on vacations, getting ready to buy a house, paying off our car... How is this going to affect us financially?
Speaking of car, 6 people don't fit in a normal car. Do I really have to get a minivan? And how in the heck are we going to afford that?!!
And then there's the emotional adjustment... This isn't what I wanted, God. What are You doing? Are You sure this is the right thing at the right time!??!!
How much independence am I going to have to give up because I'm going back into the infant stages... Feedings in the middle of the night, carrying the car seat...
And what about working? How are we going to manage both of us working and having a baby??
Then there's the physical considerations.. The last time I was pregnant - the doctor told me not to get pregnant again because of my high-risk pregnancy. And now, here I am, going through it again...
The confirmation that we were, indeed, pregnant hit my husband very hard. There were many, many heated discussions followed by a couple months of silence.... We're still not really talking about it - at least not to each other. The kids know and they like the idea. I'm at the stage where its just starting to be evident to others when the baby kicks and moves. The kids really like it when they can see or feel the movements.
We learned on the 19th that we're having a boy. The kids are very excited - everyone wanted a boy! Nathan is thrilled that he'll have an ally finally!
We're definitely on a roller-coaster as we get closer to this newest arrival to our family. It is my hope and my prayer that we can celebrate this baby every bit as much as we did the other three... I'm leaving that in God's hands and trying to be patient as He works on both Lowell and I.
Yep. That's right. Baby #4. Holy crap. This was completely unplanned and was even being prevented when it happened so, I believe we're working on God's agenda instead of our own. When we found out, we were a little more than shocked and unprepared. We have long believed that our family was complete and we were both very happy with our three little minions. This new baby brought so much uncertainty to our lives and completely interrupted the "plan" that we had for the next couple years of our lives.
I was in the middle of beginning to look for a practicum site, I was finishing up my classes and getting ready to move on with my career. How would a baby affect that?
Our other children are all self-sufficient and all go to school. They have chores, they help out around the house and they can feed, dress and clean up after themselves... And my house is still quite a mess. How are we going to manage with an infant?
We have school-aged kids - we got rid of all of our baby stuff a LONG time ago... Where are we going to get money for all the "baby stuff" that we will need?
We LOVE our little family - just as it is... How will having another child affect our family? Will our kids feel neglected or resent that they have to share even more of the time and resources of the family?
Speaking of resources, we were just getting to the point of being able to go on vacations, getting ready to buy a house, paying off our car... How is this going to affect us financially?
Speaking of car, 6 people don't fit in a normal car. Do I really have to get a minivan? And how in the heck are we going to afford that?!!
And then there's the emotional adjustment... This isn't what I wanted, God. What are You doing? Are You sure this is the right thing at the right time!??!!
How much independence am I going to have to give up because I'm going back into the infant stages... Feedings in the middle of the night, carrying the car seat...
And what about working? How are we going to manage both of us working and having a baby??
Then there's the physical considerations.. The last time I was pregnant - the doctor told me not to get pregnant again because of my high-risk pregnancy. And now, here I am, going through it again...
The confirmation that we were, indeed, pregnant hit my husband very hard. There were many, many heated discussions followed by a couple months of silence.... We're still not really talking about it - at least not to each other. The kids know and they like the idea. I'm at the stage where its just starting to be evident to others when the baby kicks and moves. The kids really like it when they can see or feel the movements.
We learned on the 19th that we're having a boy. The kids are very excited - everyone wanted a boy! Nathan is thrilled that he'll have an ally finally!
We're definitely on a roller-coaster as we get closer to this newest arrival to our family. It is my hope and my prayer that we can celebrate this baby every bit as much as we did the other three... I'm leaving that in God's hands and trying to be patient as He works on both Lowell and I.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Grace and Mercy
I was terrible to my children yesterday. I was stressed and tired and sick and... well, there aren't any excuses that make it okay. I apologized to them and tried to explain that I was feeling overwhelmed - but that it didn't condone my behavior. And then, 30 minutes later, they were back to telling me that I'm the best mom in the world, and begging me not to go to Walmart by myself because they missed me. Their allegiance is mind boggling. And humbling.
And then this morning, Lowell and I got into it. He thought my tone of voice was disrespectful and that I was jumping down his throat. I was baffled how he could think that and I was upset because he choose to pick a fight with me on a morning where I have a lot of responsibility and added stress... I have a hard time believing that I sounded negative. But I can't hear myself - and honestly, I suppose what matters is what he heard, not really what I said. So, I tried to humble myself and apologize but instead I sounded frustrated and angry. I guess I really wasn't ready to accept that he may have been right about my tone.
Even now, two hours later, part of me still thinks he really could've waited until my morning was over - or could've brought it up without mocking me or being critical. So, I guess I'm still not ready to apologize. :) But I'm thinking about it. Apparently humility has not been one of my strengths as of late.
It would be nice if he was thinking about apologizing too, but I've learned that my husband very rarely does that. He doesn't think about his actions or words after they've come out of his mouth. I'm not sure how much thought goes into it before they are done/said, but I know there is very little attention paid to the aftermath. He is very good at justifying his actions and behaviors and is rarely willing to examine them or consider that something different could've or should've been done.
This really upsets me. REALLY upsets me. But am I so different? I am quick to pounce on the things that he does that hurt/anger me but I am still arguing 2 hours later about my tone of voice. I justify myself and I make excuses for my behavior and I think of myself as soo much more humble and flexible than he is. Where's the grace and submission in that?!?!!
So once again, I'm reminded that whenever I see things about others that really get under my skin, things that upset me - its likely that those specific things bother me because I know that they exist within myself.
Thank you Lord for reminding me that the focus should not be on the limitations of others - but of the unique, wonderful blessings that they are in my life. And that I, of all people, don't have any room to complain about my little family! I'm just as messed up as they are! :)
And thank you that You've forgiven me for all of the multitude of sins that I commit each and every day. And please use the reality of how much I've been forgiven to increase the amount of grace that I bestow on those around me. I don't deserve forgiveness or grace, but its been given to me and therefore I can show the same mercy to those I love.
So once again, I'm reminded that whenever I see things about others that really get under my skin, things that upset me - its likely that those specific things bother me because I know that they exist within myself.
Thank you Lord for reminding me that the focus should not be on the limitations of others - but of the unique, wonderful blessings that they are in my life. And that I, of all people, don't have any room to complain about my little family! I'm just as messed up as they are! :)
And thank you that You've forgiven me for all of the multitude of sins that I commit each and every day. And please use the reality of how much I've been forgiven to increase the amount of grace that I bestow on those around me. I don't deserve forgiveness or grace, but its been given to me and therefore I can show the same mercy to those I love.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Another Miracle about Chloe
One thing I didn't know about appendicitis and specifically, a burst appendix, is that it isn't uncommon for the appendix to take an ovary with it when it ruptures. When the surgeon first came out of surgery that afternoon, he had about 12 pictures to show us that had been taken from the laproscopic camera. First he showed us pictures of the appendix before and after and explained what we were looking at. He said that a normal appendix should be about the size of that person's pinky finger. Chloe's was the size of a full grown man's thumb. It was seriously inflamed. He also showed us the junk that was in Chloe's abdomen and the fluid that he removed. Then he showed us two pictures - one of the left ovary and one of the right. I questioned what the ovaries have to do with the appendix. That was when he told me that the ovaries are at risk whenever the appendix bursts. I was shocked! My daughter could've had her ability to have children taken away or seriously compromised!?!?!?!! Thankfully however, they were both completely unaffected and perfect.
Yet another miracle to add to the list of those that we were part of with Chloe's surgery.
Yet another miracle to add to the list of those that we were part of with Chloe's surgery.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Chloe's Surgery Part 2
When we went in to see Chloe, she was still really groggy and fading in and out of sleep. The nurse told us that the first thing she did when she woke up was look at the surgeon and say "Am I all better now?". So adorable! :)
That first afternoon, she slept quite a bit but, by evening, she was wanting to be mobile. She had a catheter and so walking was a little interesting, but we managed. She walked two laps around our ward. The nurses were impressed and I was very proud. She claimed that she wasn't really in a lot of pain - her only complaint was the catheter. She really, really wanted that thing out! That night she also got to drink some water and chew on ice chips.
The next morning, we met with the doctors and the surgeon again and they ok-ed a clear liquid diet. Chloe got to have apple juice, grape juice and chicken broth. We tried a little Jello but her stomach was still not too keen on the idea of sugar. Even better however, was that the doctors said we could remove the catheter! As soon as that was done, Chloe was up again, walking around. She decided that she had seen enough of the ward and wanted to explore the rest of the hospital. We set off looking for the gift shop and the cafeteria. Because she was only 24 hours out of surgery, she was still getting tired fairly easily, so we tried to keep our walking to short trips. That day, she was up and about 4 times. She also got to visit the "Closet" where the nurses stock presents for the kids. She was able to pick out a present.
The nurses in general seemed to adore Chloe. They all commented about how well she was doing and how she was the faster recovery they had ever seem from a rupture appendix. One of the nurses even brought her little gifts and lent her movies from her own personal collection. Her name is Elisha. Chloe really liked her too. One of the things Chloe got out of the gift closet was something called a Zooble. And so, after surgery, Lowell went to Walmart and got her a couple more little Zoobles to play with. And then, the next day, Elisha came in with another Zooble.
There was also a lady on the floor who's job was to talk to kids about their procedures and their medications and their tubes and wires so that all of it was understandable to them. She was fantastic!!! She was able to come talk to Chloe before surgery and then able to stay with her during the whole procedure so that Chloe always had a familiar face she could turn to. She also came back frequently during our stay in the hospital to make sure Chloe was never at a loss of things to do. She brought coloring stuff, sand art, stickers, markers, etc... I joked when we left that Chloe had come into the hospital with jammies and a blanket and left with two bags of loot!! She was very spoiled! But she was also a fantastic patient!
Day 3 we had a PICC line scheduled. This is a heavy duty IV that goes into the upper arm and allows the antibiotics to flow directly into the main arteries around the heart. Apparently the anti-biotics that Chloe was on are very heavy duty and so they can be irritating to her little veins. Also, normal IVs in the hand are usually only functional for 24-48 hours before they have to be moved or replaced. Chloe, however, was the exception. On the morning of day 3, the doctors and the surgeon all concurred that she was just doing too well to require the PICC line and that she would be able to get by with her current situation. Her IV in her hand was holding up miraculously well and she wasn't have any reaction to the antibiotics. That was also the day we learned that, if she could eat, she could go home!! So, she was taken off of IV fluids and only had to be attached to the machine when it was time for the medicine.
So, for breakfast, we busted open a little box of Honey Nut Cheerios and she also ate some fruit off of my plate. For lunch, we tried some mac and cheese and some mashed potatoes. Neither of these went over well and her stomach rebelled a little. So, for dinner, back to the cereal and fruit. Wednesday was also the day of Chloe's biggest triumph! She climbed three flights of stairs - much to the amazement of the nurses and doctors!! She was very proud of herself and got to make another trip to the Closet! (I told you she got spoiled!! :))
Thursday morning, Chloe was up and ready to go on a walk, but I wanted her to wait for the doctor's to make their rotations so that we could find out if we could go home! Chloe was antsy, so we made a short trip upstairs to see the newborn babies. When we got back to our room, the doctors were on the floor. When they came in, it was decided that she was well enough to go home so long as she could follow a few directives. She is unable to bathe or swim for 1 week, (but she can shower) and she can't do PE or recess for at least 2 weeks, possibly 3 depending on our follow up with the surgeon, and also that we follow up with a doctor at the clinic in 3 days.
YIPEE!! Homeward bound!
So we signed a bunch of papers and then packed up our things and headed home! The first thing we had to do was go grocery shopping so that we would have light, easy things for Chloe's stomach. Then Chloe wanted to go see her classmates. We stopped in at her school and picked up her classwork and she got to say Hello to everyone. She was very shy about being the center of attention but then didn't want to leave when it was time. She's so funny. Then we picked up the other two kids a little early so that they could come home and spend time with their sister. They had visited her once in the hospital, but because it is flu season, visitors under the age of 12 are not allowed on the floor itself. Chloe came out to the cafeteria to see them, but she was really tired that day so the meeting was fairly short. Thankfully, this time, she was well rested and as excited to see them as they were to see her!
We experienced so many blessings during this whole experience that I can't even begin to say how thankful I am. The nurses, doctors, aides... Basically everyone at Banner Thunderbird were just fantastic! Even from the very beginning, the staff at Good Night Pediatrics were fabulous! I also worked with Hospital Patient Services because our kids don't have insurance - well, they didn't - and that process was fairly painless as well.
I'm so thankful mostly for everyone who prayed us through this! I'm thankful that Lowell and I both were able to take the week off work, that our neighbor was willing to pick the kids up from school, that I received countless text messages of encouragement, and that our family and friends were constantly bathing our little one in prayer. So, thank you - from the bottom of our hearts - Thank you!!!!
That first afternoon, she slept quite a bit but, by evening, she was wanting to be mobile. She had a catheter and so walking was a little interesting, but we managed. She walked two laps around our ward. The nurses were impressed and I was very proud. She claimed that she wasn't really in a lot of pain - her only complaint was the catheter. She really, really wanted that thing out! That night she also got to drink some water and chew on ice chips.
The next morning, we met with the doctors and the surgeon again and they ok-ed a clear liquid diet. Chloe got to have apple juice, grape juice and chicken broth. We tried a little Jello but her stomach was still not too keen on the idea of sugar. Even better however, was that the doctors said we could remove the catheter! As soon as that was done, Chloe was up again, walking around. She decided that she had seen enough of the ward and wanted to explore the rest of the hospital. We set off looking for the gift shop and the cafeteria. Because she was only 24 hours out of surgery, she was still getting tired fairly easily, so we tried to keep our walking to short trips. That day, she was up and about 4 times. She also got to visit the "Closet" where the nurses stock presents for the kids. She was able to pick out a present.
The nurses in general seemed to adore Chloe. They all commented about how well she was doing and how she was the faster recovery they had ever seem from a rupture appendix. One of the nurses even brought her little gifts and lent her movies from her own personal collection. Her name is Elisha. Chloe really liked her too. One of the things Chloe got out of the gift closet was something called a Zooble. And so, after surgery, Lowell went to Walmart and got her a couple more little Zoobles to play with. And then, the next day, Elisha came in with another Zooble.
There was also a lady on the floor who's job was to talk to kids about their procedures and their medications and their tubes and wires so that all of it was understandable to them. She was fantastic!!! She was able to come talk to Chloe before surgery and then able to stay with her during the whole procedure so that Chloe always had a familiar face she could turn to. She also came back frequently during our stay in the hospital to make sure Chloe was never at a loss of things to do. She brought coloring stuff, sand art, stickers, markers, etc... I joked when we left that Chloe had come into the hospital with jammies and a blanket and left with two bags of loot!! She was very spoiled! But she was also a fantastic patient!
Day 3 we had a PICC line scheduled. This is a heavy duty IV that goes into the upper arm and allows the antibiotics to flow directly into the main arteries around the heart. Apparently the anti-biotics that Chloe was on are very heavy duty and so they can be irritating to her little veins. Also, normal IVs in the hand are usually only functional for 24-48 hours before they have to be moved or replaced. Chloe, however, was the exception. On the morning of day 3, the doctors and the surgeon all concurred that she was just doing too well to require the PICC line and that she would be able to get by with her current situation. Her IV in her hand was holding up miraculously well and she wasn't have any reaction to the antibiotics. That was also the day we learned that, if she could eat, she could go home!! So, she was taken off of IV fluids and only had to be attached to the machine when it was time for the medicine.
So, for breakfast, we busted open a little box of Honey Nut Cheerios and she also ate some fruit off of my plate. For lunch, we tried some mac and cheese and some mashed potatoes. Neither of these went over well and her stomach rebelled a little. So, for dinner, back to the cereal and fruit. Wednesday was also the day of Chloe's biggest triumph! She climbed three flights of stairs - much to the amazement of the nurses and doctors!! She was very proud of herself and got to make another trip to the Closet! (I told you she got spoiled!! :))
Thursday morning, Chloe was up and ready to go on a walk, but I wanted her to wait for the doctor's to make their rotations so that we could find out if we could go home! Chloe was antsy, so we made a short trip upstairs to see the newborn babies. When we got back to our room, the doctors were on the floor. When they came in, it was decided that she was well enough to go home so long as she could follow a few directives. She is unable to bathe or swim for 1 week, (but she can shower) and she can't do PE or recess for at least 2 weeks, possibly 3 depending on our follow up with the surgeon, and also that we follow up with a doctor at the clinic in 3 days.
YIPEE!! Homeward bound!
So we signed a bunch of papers and then packed up our things and headed home! The first thing we had to do was go grocery shopping so that we would have light, easy things for Chloe's stomach. Then Chloe wanted to go see her classmates. We stopped in at her school and picked up her classwork and she got to say Hello to everyone. She was very shy about being the center of attention but then didn't want to leave when it was time. She's so funny. Then we picked up the other two kids a little early so that they could come home and spend time with their sister. They had visited her once in the hospital, but because it is flu season, visitors under the age of 12 are not allowed on the floor itself. Chloe came out to the cafeteria to see them, but she was really tired that day so the meeting was fairly short. Thankfully, this time, she was well rested and as excited to see them as they were to see her!
We experienced so many blessings during this whole experience that I can't even begin to say how thankful I am. The nurses, doctors, aides... Basically everyone at Banner Thunderbird were just fantastic! Even from the very beginning, the staff at Good Night Pediatrics were fabulous! I also worked with Hospital Patient Services because our kids don't have insurance - well, they didn't - and that process was fairly painless as well.
I'm so thankful mostly for everyone who prayed us through this! I'm thankful that Lowell and I both were able to take the week off work, that our neighbor was willing to pick the kids up from school, that I received countless text messages of encouragement, and that our family and friends were constantly bathing our little one in prayer. So, thank you - from the bottom of our hearts - Thank you!!!!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Chloe's Surgery Part 1
Well, anyone who has been on Facebook lately knows that Chloe has been in the hospital. It all started last Sunday after church when she began complaining of an upset stomach. I should start by saying that Saturday, she had a play date with a friend from school and they were everywhere. They played, they ran, laughed, ate, etc. So, on Sunday, I thought that maybe we were dealing with hunger pains or possibly a 24 hour bug. I had no idea that stomach ache would land us in the hospital prepping for surgery.
By Sunday night, Chloe had been throwing up and was writhing around on the couch in pain. She was whimpering and couldn’t get comfortable. For Chloe to be showing that much pain – that’s a big deal! She is a tough little cookie who only cries if she’s feeling emotional – not from pain. At around 7pm, we decided to take her to Good Night Pediatrics. She was crying and couldn’t walk out to the car. Lowell carried her out and we wrapped her in a blanket. While I was driving, she fell asleep and was still sleeping when we got to the doctor’s. I hesitated to even take her in, I figured that maybe sleeping would help and she would wake up fine. She said she was feeling a little better, but she still thought she needed to see the doctor. (Honestly, my hesitation was financial – none of the kids are insured and I didn’t want to go pay $150 for them to tell me she had the flu… Terrible what we have to think about – choosing between our children’s health and money..) So I decided to take her in. I, blessedly, got a parking spot right in front, and went in the office before her and signed her in. There were about 35 people in the waiting room and I didn’t think it would be good to wake her up if I could leave her in the car until they were ready to see her. I explained her symptoms to the lady at the front desk and she suggested that Chloe be seen immediately. Instead of charging me for the visit, they took her back to the triage area where she was seen by the doctor. He said that he thought the risk was too great and that it was all too possible that she might have a problem with her appendix so he wasn’t comfortable with her being seen there and suggested that we go straight to the emergency room. They directed us to Banner Thunderbird hospital and said that they’d call ahead so that the children’s emergency department would be ready for us.
On the way to the hospital, Chloe fell asleep again. When we got to the ER, it was quite a walk from the nearest parking spot to the door and she wasn’t very happy with the fact that I couldn’t carry her. She did a great job, only complaining a little bit and then curled up in the waiting room. Again, we didn’t have to wait long before they took us back to triage. Chloe got an IV (didn’t cry) and they took blood and set her up with IV fluids. Then they scheduled a CT scan to take a better look at her appendix. The doctor said that “Clinically, she had appendicitis, we just need the CT to prove it.” So we waited and waited and waited…. Chloe slept a little here and there but basically we just watched tv and waited for the call to have a CT scan. The doctor came in a couple hours later and stated that she was furious that she had placed the order for the scan and also for IV antibiotics 2 hours before and nothing had been done. So, she decided to admit Chloe based on her findings. She said that even if the CT didn’t show appendicitis, she would need to stay for 12-18 hours to have another CT just to be sure. So, we waiting another hour or so and then got taken upstairs to a room in the pediatric ward. The CT scan didn’t come until 7am but when it did – it confirmed that Chloe definitely had appendicitis and, likely, her appendix had already burst. So, the surgeon PA came in to speak with us and get us prepared for what the day would bring. Surgery was scheduled for 12pm. We were told that Chloe would be put under anesthesia and that the procedure would be done laproscopically. She was supposed to be in surgery for about 1 hour unless they found something significantly wrong. We saw the surgeon about 75 minutes after surgery started. He let us know that, yes her appendix had ruptured and that her stomach was quite full of pus and junk. They used 5 liters of fluid to wash out her belly and removed the junk that they found. He said that she was doing just fine and that we would be able to see her as soon as she came out of anesthesia.
By Sunday night, Chloe had been throwing up and was writhing around on the couch in pain. She was whimpering and couldn’t get comfortable. For Chloe to be showing that much pain – that’s a big deal! She is a tough little cookie who only cries if she’s feeling emotional – not from pain. At around 7pm, we decided to take her to Good Night Pediatrics. She was crying and couldn’t walk out to the car. Lowell carried her out and we wrapped her in a blanket. While I was driving, she fell asleep and was still sleeping when we got to the doctor’s. I hesitated to even take her in, I figured that maybe sleeping would help and she would wake up fine. She said she was feeling a little better, but she still thought she needed to see the doctor. (Honestly, my hesitation was financial – none of the kids are insured and I didn’t want to go pay $150 for them to tell me she had the flu… Terrible what we have to think about – choosing between our children’s health and money..) So I decided to take her in. I, blessedly, got a parking spot right in front, and went in the office before her and signed her in. There were about 35 people in the waiting room and I didn’t think it would be good to wake her up if I could leave her in the car until they were ready to see her. I explained her symptoms to the lady at the front desk and she suggested that Chloe be seen immediately. Instead of charging me for the visit, they took her back to the triage area where she was seen by the doctor. He said that he thought the risk was too great and that it was all too possible that she might have a problem with her appendix so he wasn’t comfortable with her being seen there and suggested that we go straight to the emergency room. They directed us to Banner Thunderbird hospital and said that they’d call ahead so that the children’s emergency department would be ready for us.
On the way to the hospital, Chloe fell asleep again. When we got to the ER, it was quite a walk from the nearest parking spot to the door and she wasn’t very happy with the fact that I couldn’t carry her. She did a great job, only complaining a little bit and then curled up in the waiting room. Again, we didn’t have to wait long before they took us back to triage. Chloe got an IV (didn’t cry) and they took blood and set her up with IV fluids. Then they scheduled a CT scan to take a better look at her appendix. The doctor said that “Clinically, she had appendicitis, we just need the CT to prove it.” So we waited and waited and waited…. Chloe slept a little here and there but basically we just watched tv and waited for the call to have a CT scan. The doctor came in a couple hours later and stated that she was furious that she had placed the order for the scan and also for IV antibiotics 2 hours before and nothing had been done. So, she decided to admit Chloe based on her findings. She said that even if the CT didn’t show appendicitis, she would need to stay for 12-18 hours to have another CT just to be sure. So, we waiting another hour or so and then got taken upstairs to a room in the pediatric ward. The CT scan didn’t come until 7am but when it did – it confirmed that Chloe definitely had appendicitis and, likely, her appendix had already burst. So, the surgeon PA came in to speak with us and get us prepared for what the day would bring. Surgery was scheduled for 12pm. We were told that Chloe would be put under anesthesia and that the procedure would be done laproscopically. She was supposed to be in surgery for about 1 hour unless they found something significantly wrong. We saw the surgeon about 75 minutes after surgery started. He let us know that, yes her appendix had ruptured and that her stomach was quite full of pus and junk. They used 5 liters of fluid to wash out her belly and removed the junk that they found. He said that she was doing just fine and that we would be able to see her as soon as she came out of anesthesia.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Non-holidays
Christmas has come and gone. The New Year is here. I never did get my Christmas decorations out of storage, didn't decorate or ever really get into the Christmas spirit... Nevertheless, we had a good day. Christmas Eve the kids and I wrapped presents and after they fell asleep, I made fake stockings out of Lowell's wool socks and put them around our "tree". Here are some pictures for the day.
Christmas Day we opened presents after Lowell got home and then relaxed a little before I set about making green chile chicken enchilades, peanut butter cookies and a German chocolate cake for an early birthday for Lowell. After lunch, we sat down to watch A Christmas Story. I had never watched the whole thing, start to finish. And I still haven't. :) Lowell, Jillian and I all feel asleep. It was great to take a nap and just relax.
Unfortunately, due to the move and some other unexpected expenses, we didn't have very much money to spend on Christmas this year. As a result, the kids got a lot of hand-me-down toys and thrift store finds. Unfortuntately, a couple of Nathan's presents were unusable. One of them didn't work at all, and the other was a board game that had most of its pieces, but not the instructions.... I'm still working on downloading the instructions from the web. Dial up internet is a whole new world that I'm not liking.
New Year's Eve I worked and then came home and had fun with the family. We laughed and played Uno and just enjoyed each other's company - all 5 of us. Lowell works in Tempe and the Tempe Block Party for New Year's Eve is one of the biggest parties in the country for ringing in the new year. Every bus that his company has is needed for the night so needless to say, he was extremely busy and a lot was expected of him to be the supervisor on such a crucial night. I'm so proud of him. And he totally spoiled me this morning too. He called to say 'good morning' and to ask what size shoes I wear. Odd, but I didn't question him. He came home with fixings for breakfast, laundry soap and some comfy, warm slippers for me. The heater in our new house doesn't work and our "winter clothes" are in storage... So we've been making it work with blankets and space heaters. It was so thoughtful for him to spoil me with something so practical and helpful! I love him dearly!
New Years Day was just a break - a day off, a day to rest and relax and read a book... Actually I just finished "The Girl With the Dragon Tatoo" and I'm excited to read the next book... The kids and I worked on some homework and they played outside. Tomorrow means more housework and doing some final moving and cleaning at the other house. Just another day...
Christmas Day we opened presents after Lowell got home and then relaxed a little before I set about making green chile chicken enchilades, peanut butter cookies and a German chocolate cake for an early birthday for Lowell. After lunch, we sat down to watch A Christmas Story. I had never watched the whole thing, start to finish. And I still haven't. :) Lowell, Jillian and I all feel asleep. It was great to take a nap and just relax.
Unfortunately, due to the move and some other unexpected expenses, we didn't have very much money to spend on Christmas this year. As a result, the kids got a lot of hand-me-down toys and thrift store finds. Unfortuntately, a couple of Nathan's presents were unusable. One of them didn't work at all, and the other was a board game that had most of its pieces, but not the instructions.... I'm still working on downloading the instructions from the web. Dial up internet is a whole new world that I'm not liking.
New Year's Eve I worked and then came home and had fun with the family. We laughed and played Uno and just enjoyed each other's company - all 5 of us. Lowell works in Tempe and the Tempe Block Party for New Year's Eve is one of the biggest parties in the country for ringing in the new year. Every bus that his company has is needed for the night so needless to say, he was extremely busy and a lot was expected of him to be the supervisor on such a crucial night. I'm so proud of him. And he totally spoiled me this morning too. He called to say 'good morning' and to ask what size shoes I wear. Odd, but I didn't question him. He came home with fixings for breakfast, laundry soap and some comfy, warm slippers for me. The heater in our new house doesn't work and our "winter clothes" are in storage... So we've been making it work with blankets and space heaters. It was so thoughtful for him to spoil me with something so practical and helpful! I love him dearly!
New Years Day was just a break - a day off, a day to rest and relax and read a book... Actually I just finished "The Girl With the Dragon Tatoo" and I'm excited to read the next book... The kids and I worked on some homework and they played outside. Tomorrow means more housework and doing some final moving and cleaning at the other house. Just another day...
December 12
I wrote this December 12th but have only now gotten the internet so that I could post it...
We’re in our new house. There are four bedrooms, 2 baths, a family room, living room and dining room… And we’re soooo excited about all the space. With four bedrooms, each child has their own space and Lowell and I have a bedroom that has a “sitting room” space that will give me a place to have my scrapbooking stuff! Yipee.
Last night was the second night we slept here. The first night, Jillian was not sure about sleeping by herself. In California, Chloe and Jillian shared a room, with bunk beds. Since we’ve been here, they have not only shared a room, but a full sized bed. So this is a big change. And Jillie wasn’t so sure about it. Chloe is excited because she will only be responsible for cleaning her own messes in her own room. She says she pretty sick of having to help clean up messes in their room that she feels Jillian was responsible for. I guess now we’ll see who was making all the messes. J
Anyway, so Chloe is excited about having her own space. Jillian is too, except when it comes to sleeping. She didn’t want to sleep by herself. Being that it’s a new house, new place, new experience.. And because she’s only 5 – I let Boogie sleep with me that first night but only on the condition that the next night – last night, she’d sleep in her own bed.
So bedtime came last night and Boogie bravely settled down in her room… About five minutes went by and she came out asking if she could sleep with Chloe. She knew she couldn’t sleep with me, but maybe Chloe would be more open… So, I told Jillie to ask Chloe. Chloe said she’d think about it. J (I wonder where she’s heard that one.)
Brave little Boogie went back into her own room and laid down… And fell asleep. She slept all night in her own bed. In her own room. By herself.
When I went in my room to sleep, I was sad and proud at the same time. I realized that this was a big step in her journey to being “grown up”. And I don’t want my baby to grow up just yet… Even typing this I have tears in my eyes because I am so crazy about that little curly-haired angel… And, even though it might not seem like a big deal, I know that it was hard for her to be obedient and lay down in there by herself. Part of me wanted to run into her room and scoop her up and snuggle with her until she fell asleep. Because I don’t want my children to suffer…
But the responsible part of me remembered that my job as a parent is to root my children in God and to teach them to be separate from me – independent and relying on God, not Mom. I teach my babies that if they can’t sleep, instead of counting sheep, they can talk to God. He’s always awake and always listening… I would love to snuggle on their little heads and listen to their little snores… But I have to teach them to not need me. To self-soothe and to be able to fall asleep on their own.
Sometimes I doubt my timing.. Is it too early to be pushing my children from the proverbial nest? Am I expecting too much from them? I snug on them frequently during the day and I love to snuggle with them in the mornings… But bedtime means that everyone goes to his or her respective bed. Honestly, part of this decision comes because I simply don’t like sleeping with a little wiggly body that hogs all the covers and kicks me… I love having my bed to myself. (Disclaimer if you’re new to this blog – my husband works nights. J)
I had a conversation with a good friend last night about parenting. We were talking about doubt. There are so many nights I lay awake thinking, “Why did I…” or “Why didn’t I…” or “I wish I hadn’t let that opportunity pass me by.” My friend made a good point. She asked if I ever lay in bed and wonder why my “mom” snapped at me this one time, or why she didn’t teach me when she could have or why she…
I guess I don’t really fear the individual moments, I fear the pattern. I don’t want my kids to grow up and remember their mom as one who was snippy or grouchy or impatient or tired… And I definitely fear the “last”. The whole idea that, if I had known that would be that last time my son would come lay in bed with me asking to be snugged, I would’ve stayed and hugged and snuggled sooo much longer. Or I had known it was the last time my baby was going to ask me to read her Dr. Seuss, I wouldn’t have growled or sighed when she asked me. I might have read it twice. Or if I had known it would be the last time Chloe would come to my bed in the middle of the night because she had a nightmare, I would’ve actually sat up in bed and hugged her instead of just inviting her into a hug and then falling right back asleep.
I suppose there comes a point where you just have to let yourself off the hook. Honestly, I believe that I will never be the parent that I want to be simply because my standards for myself are too high. I want perfection. And that’s impossible. Even knowing that, I still regret all the times that I fall short. I work so hard to teach my children about having grace and mercy with each other… Forgiving little grievances and overlooking unintentional wrongs. But I don’t give myself the same courtesy. I wonder what is speaking louder – my words or my actions.
I don’t want my children to be perfectionists. I want them to be proud of themselves, to be confident that they are loved by both God and their parents, and to humbly know that they are just fantastic little people. Ignoring all the rest, I hope that message gets through.
We’re in our new house. There are four bedrooms, 2 baths, a family room, living room and dining room… And we’re soooo excited about all the space. With four bedrooms, each child has their own space and Lowell and I have a bedroom that has a “sitting room” space that will give me a place to have my scrapbooking stuff! Yipee.
Last night was the second night we slept here. The first night, Jillian was not sure about sleeping by herself. In California, Chloe and Jillian shared a room, with bunk beds. Since we’ve been here, they have not only shared a room, but a full sized bed. So this is a big change. And Jillie wasn’t so sure about it. Chloe is excited because she will only be responsible for cleaning her own messes in her own room. She says she pretty sick of having to help clean up messes in their room that she feels Jillian was responsible for. I guess now we’ll see who was making all the messes. J
Anyway, so Chloe is excited about having her own space. Jillian is too, except when it comes to sleeping. She didn’t want to sleep by herself. Being that it’s a new house, new place, new experience.. And because she’s only 5 – I let Boogie sleep with me that first night but only on the condition that the next night – last night, she’d sleep in her own bed.
So bedtime came last night and Boogie bravely settled down in her room… About five minutes went by and she came out asking if she could sleep with Chloe. She knew she couldn’t sleep with me, but maybe Chloe would be more open… So, I told Jillie to ask Chloe. Chloe said she’d think about it. J (I wonder where she’s heard that one.)
Brave little Boogie went back into her own room and laid down… And fell asleep. She slept all night in her own bed. In her own room. By herself.
When I went in my room to sleep, I was sad and proud at the same time. I realized that this was a big step in her journey to being “grown up”. And I don’t want my baby to grow up just yet… Even typing this I have tears in my eyes because I am so crazy about that little curly-haired angel… And, even though it might not seem like a big deal, I know that it was hard for her to be obedient and lay down in there by herself. Part of me wanted to run into her room and scoop her up and snuggle with her until she fell asleep. Because I don’t want my children to suffer…
But the responsible part of me remembered that my job as a parent is to root my children in God and to teach them to be separate from me – independent and relying on God, not Mom. I teach my babies that if they can’t sleep, instead of counting sheep, they can talk to God. He’s always awake and always listening… I would love to snuggle on their little heads and listen to their little snores… But I have to teach them to not need me. To self-soothe and to be able to fall asleep on their own.
Sometimes I doubt my timing.. Is it too early to be pushing my children from the proverbial nest? Am I expecting too much from them? I snug on them frequently during the day and I love to snuggle with them in the mornings… But bedtime means that everyone goes to his or her respective bed. Honestly, part of this decision comes because I simply don’t like sleeping with a little wiggly body that hogs all the covers and kicks me… I love having my bed to myself. (Disclaimer if you’re new to this blog – my husband works nights. J)
I had a conversation with a good friend last night about parenting. We were talking about doubt. There are so many nights I lay awake thinking, “Why did I…” or “Why didn’t I…” or “I wish I hadn’t let that opportunity pass me by.” My friend made a good point. She asked if I ever lay in bed and wonder why my “mom” snapped at me this one time, or why she didn’t teach me when she could have or why she…
I guess I don’t really fear the individual moments, I fear the pattern. I don’t want my kids to grow up and remember their mom as one who was snippy or grouchy or impatient or tired… And I definitely fear the “last”. The whole idea that, if I had known that would be that last time my son would come lay in bed with me asking to be snugged, I would’ve stayed and hugged and snuggled sooo much longer. Or I had known it was the last time my baby was going to ask me to read her Dr. Seuss, I wouldn’t have growled or sighed when she asked me. I might have read it twice. Or if I had known it would be the last time Chloe would come to my bed in the middle of the night because she had a nightmare, I would’ve actually sat up in bed and hugged her instead of just inviting her into a hug and then falling right back asleep.
I suppose there comes a point where you just have to let yourself off the hook. Honestly, I believe that I will never be the parent that I want to be simply because my standards for myself are too high. I want perfection. And that’s impossible. Even knowing that, I still regret all the times that I fall short. I work so hard to teach my children about having grace and mercy with each other… Forgiving little grievances and overlooking unintentional wrongs. But I don’t give myself the same courtesy. I wonder what is speaking louder – my words or my actions.
I don’t want my children to be perfectionists. I want them to be proud of themselves, to be confident that they are loved by both God and their parents, and to humbly know that they are just fantastic little people. Ignoring all the rest, I hope that message gets through.
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