Not Alone

Usually I hesitate to blog when things are not going wonderfully in life. In all honesty, I've completely avoided blogging when I'm struggling. I've always wanted this blog to one that brings glory to God and encouragement to those who read it. However, today I realized that only transparency and truth bring glory to God and that people are more likely to be encouraged by a person who is willing to say, 'I've been there' than one who hasn't struggled. Today, I was at the lowest point I've been at in quite awhile. I was crying; not the 'ow-I-hurt-my-finger'-crying, but the 'crying-so-hard-I-can't-speak-or-breath'-crying. I was sobbing. My heart was broken because I hurt the man that I love most in this world. Actually, I heard the depth of his pain and the severity of what I have done.
I have been so wrapped up in my own pain - actually, the process of avoiding my own pain, that I have spent a great part of the last 8 years hurting my husband. And today, it finally became too hard for him to suffer in silence. He told me about how difficult its been for him to express his love for me and to have it be "inconsequential" to me. He has offered me nothing but stability and love but I've still pulled away. I've been unable to accept his love. I don't believe that he really loves me even though his actions definitely say that, indeed, he does. I have never, ever cheated on him, but I've sought the approval and affection of other people as a method of boosting my own self-esteem and as a way to convince myself that I'm worthwhile. My past has convinced me that I am not worthwhile. His heart is hurting because he thinks that his love should be enough for me. What he gives me should be enough to allow me to accept my past, deal with my hurts, accept myself and move on. But my actions have made him believe that he's not enough, no matter what he does, it's never enough. Unfortunately, he shouldn't have to be the person filling the void in my life. I need to accept myself and I need to let Christ heal me. But I've been scared... And, honestly, I don't know how to even get started... I don't know how to truly forgive - either myself or someone else, and I don't know how to deal with a past that I can't face.
Tonight I asked myself what I'm so scared of... I lived through it, so what could be so hard about facing it... And I got my answer... I am afraid that I might be somehow to blame, that I may have encouraged it, or that I may have even liked it. Don't think I'm nuts, keep reading... As I was sobbing, instead of having a little angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, I had a counselor on one shoulder and a little girl on the other. I was counseling myself as I was facing this question. The horrible answer is yes, I probably did enjoy at least some of it. This is the saddest, sickest part of sexual molestation because God made those parts to be touched and fondled, and for it to be enjoyable! That was His intent and when abusers use it against kids, it is incredibly confusing for them. For me. And I'm just now beginning to face it.
Just beginning. That was the problem today. I've had 12 years of support and love from Lowell and yet I really haven't made any progress toward healing. I've been avoiding and abusing my husband in the process. All this time I've either been deluding myself into believing that my actions didn't bother him, or I've just been so selfish that I wasn't paying attention to who I was hurting. I believe it to be a combination of the two. And hearing about it tonight - hearing about the pain I've caused him was horrible.
Without wanting to sound like I'm belittling his pain, because I'm absolutely not, I am thankful for today. I took a big step today toward healing. I faced the answer to one question. And I realized, as Lowell said, that I'm allowing my past to contine to hurt me because I'm allowing those nights to steal my todays. I'm not the mother that I want to be because of my anger issues, and I'm definitely not the wife I want to be. I need to do something about it.
More than once I've been on the floor begging, pleading, demanding that God heal me. I've cried and negotiated and pled my case. Now I've come to accept that He's not going to remove this thorn miraculously. But He's not going to abandon me either. He's going to walk every difficult step with me, and probably going to have to carry me quite a bit. But I am going to go through it. I am going to accept what happened to me and I'm going to forgive both my abusers and myself. And I'm going to get better. God is going to be there with me every step of the way during my own personal healing and for the healing of my family. And, Lord only knows why, but Lowell is going to be there too. I need to accept that. He really does love me. I know I don't deserve it, but its being offered and I'm so thankful. I'm humbled and blessed and scared. But I'm not alone. Thank you, God, I'm not alone.

My Search for the Truth

How different is the person I am today from the person I was 10 years ago? How about 15 years ago? How different are you? I know I've matured (well, as little as possible! :)) but other than that obvious change, how else have I changed? This question comes because I'm trying to write about myself as a young teen. I want to meet myself as a 12 or 13 year old. I want to know how I thought, what I believed in, who I loved and why I loved them. Its funny to think that I don't know myself but I don't remember being that person. When I look back, it is with the eyes of a 27 year old - from the outside looking in. I can't step inside myself and feel the angst of being a tween. I've noticed this about all my memories - I don't relive them, I observe them. Is that normal? I wish I could relive certain moments. But then there are those moments, those memories that I avoid with every ounce of strength I have. These "special", horrible memories are the reason I'm trying to again be 13 actually. I'm working on remember innocous details about my life then so that I can also try to remember things from the past that I've been trying to avoid for 18 years. I'm not sure this is a good idea, but I'm doing it with a lot of support and prayer. And I really feel like its time. I've had a lot of confirmations from outside sources and I've been given peace about the whole thing. I know that God is with me and that through Him I'll be able to face what I fear. And I'll be able to use these difficult months of healing and these terrible moments of grief for His glory and for the benefit of others. I'm not looking forward to the coming journey, but then who looks forward to pain? What I am looking forward to is knowing that on the other side lies a healthier me, a better relationship with my husband, a better mother to my kids and a great story to use for empathy in my practice.

One step in this journey involves talking to people who knew me then. I don't trust my memories explicitly and so I want outside validation. Barbara Kingsolver said "Memory is a complicated thing, a relative to truth, but not its twin". And Aldous Huxley said "Every man's memory is his private literature". I've been doing a lot of studying about memory and how much it can be manipulated and how much it can be trusted. My husband is great about keeping me focused and reassuring me that I'm not losing my mind. He keeps me grounded and centered on Christ through this process... Without his influence I don't believe that I'd be able to successfully address the things that need to be brought to light. Just another example of how blessed I am. :)

On a lighter side, I decided today that it's a little ridiculous that the profile picture I use for everything is over a year old. I avoid photos. No, that's not true, I ADORE photos as long as I'm the one behind the camera! :) So, *gag* I decided to update my profile picture today. I took 33 pictures of myself and deleted 33 of them... :) Nathan finally took one that I semi-like and so, I'm being brave and posting it. Another benefit of this process... I may finally learn to accept myself. Lowell and I were talking last night about my inability to accept his love for me and I finally connected that I can't understand him loving me because I don't love myself. It seems obvious now, but that truth had elluded me for a long time. :) My life makes me laugh some times... I think Christ is really working to make me a good therapist... I've been able to experience a whole lot of things in life that will allow me to empathize with a lot of people. :) There is good to be found in everything!

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I will delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am made strong." 2Corinth. 12:9-10

So much to be thankful for

My husband has definitely been having a rough time lately. His family situation is disrupted and confusing. His work situation has left him feeling belittled and taken advantage of. He has been looking for another job but since he still hasn't found one, he has begun to doubt himself and his ability to succeed. His heart sincerely desires to do what is right and his flesh rebels at the unfair, corrupt world we live in. He struggles to remain right while dealing with people who only desire to hurt him. Between walking that line, trying to support a family, dealing with feelings of regret and self-doubt, I can only imagine the weight that he carries. I try to encourage him to turn his focus to Christ, I try to remind him that being thankful for our many blessings is the antidote to despair but in times of great distress I'm afraid that his anger gets the better of him. He begins to feel wronged and hopeless. I sort of know where he's coming from because of my own struggles with depression and despair. Thankfully, I can now say that God is healing me. I am not 100%, but I don't know if I ever will be. Right now, I'm thankful for the improvement! I'm blessed by my medication and by the strength that He provides through prayer, through His word and through worship. I'm not taking a Bible class this quarter and I miss it so much! I miss the accountability that comes with having to report to a class about what I'm reading. But more so, having direction about what to read and what to look for when I'm reading. I think that has been what's missing from my personal devotional times. I feel blind when I open my Bible. I don't have a direction or a purpose other than just to be with God. (Which is certainly a noble goal on its own!) I just feel like I got so much more out of my Bible when I was reading and really studying a topic; comparing book to book or author to author. It is my prayer that I can find a Bible study that stimulates me like my classes did. Or that I can find a Bible book to follow that directs me so that I can do it on my own. I certainly feel a difference in myself now versus when I was deeply involved in my Bible on a daily basis. I know that I benefit from spending time with my Lord, but I think I can be of more help to my husband too when I'm deeply rooted in the Word. I desire to be the wife that I've been called to be, and I know that will only happen through hard work and the grace of God. On that note, I think I'll go look through the many reference books I have and see if one offers the kind of study I'm looking for. Does anyone have any suggestions? God Bless!

Summer blessings

Summer is such a beautiful season. I love the sunshine and the chances we have to do things as a family! This last weekend, we went to Chucky Cheeses in Modesto. We had a really good time and while the kids slept in the back seat, Lowell and I just drove around laughing and looking at scenery. A few days later we went to Sonora and stopped at a new park we discovered. It was beautiful and the kids had a wonderful time! While I pushed the kids on the swings, Daddy chased them around the play structure. We've also taken a few trips up to the top of the pass to go hiking and exploring. This picture was taken on one such trip when we were watching a lightning storm. On the 4th of July, we went to the celebration at Kautz, a local winery. The kids had so much fun playing on the bounce houses and the slides. There were jugglers that were really good and live music. After the kids ran around for awhile, we chose our spot and got comfortable. Lowell and I watched people - one of our favorite passtimes, :) and the kids ran on the grass. It was such a beautiful day and we had such a good time as a family. After the awesome fireworks were over, we walked out to our car. Of course, there was a parking lot nightmare as all the cars tried to leave at once so we put the kids in the car (where they promptly fell asleep) and we sat on the hood of the car and just relaxed... We talked and laughed and again just watched people. It was so nice! :) Its been a long time since Lowell and I had a chance to just be together. We've been making a point of spending time together and really getting closer. Its been such a blessing because this time in our lives has been very stressful. We have found ourselves in the middle of some family issues. Lowell and I are fine but some other members of the family are struggling. I can only pray that this time will bring them closer to the possibility of knowing Christ and bring Lowell and I closer to each other.
Lowell is looking for a way to earn more money. He's either looking at another job or somehow getting more money from the job he's currently at. We've really been praying about it, and now we're waiting on God's timing.
The kids are good. They are enjoying summer - especially Wednesdays because we go to the pool every Wednesday! We ride the "towny bus" (county bus) to Murphys and spend the day at the pool. It makes for a very long day because we stay at the pool from 1 to 5 and then have to walk back to the busstop but the kids have such a good time! And I enjoy it too! I'm really impressed at all the progress they've made! They all have floaty bathing suits to keep them safe. Nathan has pretty well learned to swim and Chloe isn't far behind although she still has a little issue with getting her face in the water. She's getting a lot better! :) Jillie doesn't quite get the swimming concept yet, and she doesn't want me to let go of her when she's not in her floatie. :) I'm really impressed with them! Nathan has even learned how to dive!
I think these are all reasons why summer is my favorite season. I love being able to spend time as a family creating memories that the kids will take with them forever. The most important thing to me is to raise kids who love the Lord and who are firmly rooted in family. I pray that these moments, these days, are the building blocks for kids who are secure and happy - and who know that they are loved.

Lord, grant me peace

The day has finally arrived... I received my letter from the DMV today regarding my drivers license. It has been suspended indefinately as of June 14th. I prayed before I opened the letter that I would be prepared for it's contents. And I've been praying for peace all day. It hasn't really sunken in yet because I can still drive for a couple of days... And I haven't been couped up in my house for 10 or 11 days without a way out... I'm praying for strength for those days. I called the DMV to ask them how long it would be taken away and how I could get it back. They told me that I need to get a doctor's clearance and that as soon as I do that, I can drive again. So, now I'm just hoping that I can get my doctor to agree to it. I completely understand the place they're coming from. I don't want to drive if I run the risk of hurting someone... But I don't think I do. I really don't. But, I'm in the process of learning that God knows more than I do. I'm learning to sit in His presence and know that He is God. I learning peace. I have been reassured in lots of smaller things lately (and some bigger things! :)) and so I'm just going to keep reminding myself that the same God who took care of me through the past couple of months is the one who will take care of me now. I am going to have to get creative in how I get out of the house. I'm hoping that we can master using public transit (which around here can be a joke.) With three kids and a half a mile walk to the bus stop, it outta be interesting. I think the biggest problem will come with my attitude. If I fall into the "why me" and the "I'm suffering soo much" traps, then I'll really have a problem. I don't want to get depressed. I really want to be able to come through this saying that God held me, and I knew He would. I want this to be a story that I can use as testimony later... Lord, just help me get through it!

School's Out (for some of us, at least)

Well, this week has been interesting. We've had a lot of extra things going on here at the house. I've been helping Katie (my friend) move and because of that, my kids have been spending a lot of time at her house and they love it! So everyday they've been asking me if we can go to Katie's house. :) Last week was the last week of school... Nathan is officially a first-grader and Chloe is ready for Kindergarten... It is hard to believe that the whole school year is over. They had a great last week of school with tons of fun things to do everyday. Chloe's entire last day of school was spent at the park near her school. They played bubbles and playdoh, they painted rocks and, of course, played on the equipment. On a side note, while we were at the park, the San Francisco 49er cheerleaders were there doing a photo shoot. That was interesting for all the mom's of preschoolers who weren't anywhere near prancing around in a bikini... :)

Anyway, we've also had a company that has been coming up and hauling off a bunch of garbage and old cars from the property. It's been great to have things leaving, but a lot of work too. In addition to cleaning up the outside of the house, I've been trying to go through stuff inside... If we're going to be moving in the relatively near future, I'd like to have things ready. Also, my mother has shown back up. She is staying with my great-grandmother in West Point. I don't know how long she's staying or even if I'll see a lot of her... It's hard to tell with her.

The two things that have really made the most difference on how busy we've been are my classes and some family issues. There has been a family emergency that we've been dealing with for about a week that has taken a lot of time and emotional energy... It doesn't directly concern Lowell and I or our kids so I won't mention details here, but our family could definitely use some prayer.

School is very busy! I've been contemplating whether or not I should really pack in the classes and try to graduate at the end of summer but I've just learned that I have another class to take, so I'm going to have to push it to fall. That's okay with me because then these next two semesters won't be nearly as stressful. So, as long as nothing else comes up, I'll graduate after a fall quarter... I can't wait! It will be sooooo nice to be done! I don't know how soon I'll start taking classes towards my MFT certificate but we'll just take that one day at a time. Just like everything else... God gives us enough strength for this day. So, I use the strength He's given me and stand firm on the fact that His faithfulness is made new every morning. (Lam. 3:23)

Updates

Memorial Day 2008 We've had a lot of rain this weekend and so it

hasn't been the traditional Memorial day with barbques and swimming. Nevertheless, I've been trying to treat Memorial day for what it is - a day to remember those who have sacrificed for us. My son loves people in the military, he wants to be an 'Army guy'. Lowell wanted to join the military too right out of high school but his parents didn't want him to. I can't watch a tribute or even a movie about those in the military without tearing up. I am so grateful for their service. God bless them and their families!
Loaves and Fishes update: Today is Tuesday and because of the holiday weekend, we haven't been able to get propane yet. Lowell came in today and said that the gauge is on 0%, completely down to the bottom. And yet, we still have hot water...

And so, I'm praying... After I talked to the propane companies around here, looking for the cheapest price, we now have the issue of having to have our tank inspected. A couple places want to charge between $65 and $75 for this. I found one who will do it for free, but that puts us another couple of days away. I have to wait for the technican to come out and clear our tank before the delivery can be made. So, I'm hoping to have the inspection on Wednesday and then I'm really praying for a delivery on Thursday. I'm also praying for some more money to come in on Wednesday. God has been so faithful, but yesterday, I really got shaken. I don't know if it was hormonal or something else, but I have been optimistic and at peace for so long, and then yesterday I just cracked.

I'm so grateful for all the blessings we've had and I don't know why His faithfulness in the past month (and longer) isn't enough right now... I think my disheartedness has more to do with the fact that in the past couple of months, I've finally found a friend over here. I have been desperate for a girlfriend that I could visit with, one who is in kind of the same place I am in life. And one that I can be comfortable with. And I finally found one... Yesterday I was helping her move. She's moving to Sonora. To those of you who don't know this area, that's about 40 minutes away. It may not seem like that much, but if I lose my license in the next couple of weeks, it may as well be the moon. And with both of our busy schedules, i'm doubtful that we'll see each other much. I think that really has more to do with my sadness and stress than the propane. I'm sad too that it only took that one thing to break my string of faith. I want to be confident and optimistic again, but I just feel sad and bereft.

Lord, this is such a little issue in the greater scheme of suffering. I don't have to look very far to see people who have issues much greater than ours. I am not going to pray to have my faith restored, because I never really lost it, I'm just living in my emotions right now instead of living in Truth. So, what I pray for, is peace for my emotions so that I can have a clear view of the Truth. Truth that You have never moved, You aren't far away from me, even though it feels like You are, and You are still holding me close. You are every bit as capable today of meeting our needs as You have been yesterday and forever, and I apoligize for letting my emotions cause me to doubt You. Forgive me for my doubt and restore peace within me.

Again I'm reminded of East to West... "I can't live by what I feel, but by the Truth Your Word reveals..." So, as soon as I'm done here, that's where I'm going. Back into the Word. I hope you'll join me. :)

Loaves and Fishes

Ok, I know its just a TV show but I have to admit, I love American Idol! I love music and I love the idea of having a dream come true for someone... Especially if that someone is the humble, honest, great singing variety of person - like DAVID COOK!!!!!! I'm so thrilled for that man! And I can't wait to buy his CD! :)
On another note, do you know the story of the loaves and fishes? Its a story in the Bible where Jesus is preaching on a hill to thousands of people. Hours go by and the people are hungry. The disciples come to Jesus and ask how they are going to feed all 5000 people. Jesus asks how much food they have and the disciples discover a small boy who has 5 loaves of bread and 2 small fish. After Jesus blesses the food, He tells the disciples to begin distributing the food. When they have fed everyone, there is still food left over - enough to fill 12 baskets! This story is recounted in all four gospels in the New Testament.. So what does this have to do my blog? Well, for the last 3 weeks, I've been praying that Jesus will recreate the loaves and fishes miracle in our lives. About a month ago, we discovered that we only had about 13% left in our propane tank. Our hot water and our oven both run on propane. And we don't have the money to refill our tank. So, I started praying for God to stretch it out. We are being conscious of our usage, but there's no way we could go a month on 13%! And then we had some unexpected bills come up, and so we didn't have a lot of money for groceries. So, again I was praying for loaves and fishes. "Lord, please take the money I have and stretch it. Help me to use it the best I can to buy as many groceries as I can and then stretch the food as far as I can." So, now tomorrow is the day we get paid and can finally afford to fill the propane tank again. And we still have hot water and I just cooked breakfast on the stove this morning... It is amazing to me. A small miracle. We don't have much food left in the cupboards, but we haven't been hungry! God is just so good. I don't know how anyone can say that He isn't active in the world today. Honestly, there is no way that our propane could have lasted this long...
Struggling financially is not fun but I have to say that it is a wonderful way to get my focus back where it should be. When things are easy, it's easy to think that I'm doing it on my own. I'm making it work. It's easy to forget that Jesus "gives all men life and breath and everything else" (Acts 17:25). And I couldn't do it without Him.
I don't know whether David Cook knows it or not, but he is very blessed! God has really been good to him! :) He's a really talented boy and I hope he knows to be thankful... If he doesn't know Jesus, even though I'm definitely not the famous winner of a national TV show, I'm even more blessed than he is :) Thank you Jesus for caring about me and my family. We love you!

East to West

Casting Crowns - East to West
This song affects me every time I hear it. Even when I'm not struggling with my sinfulness, it grabs me because I'm always amazed at how my God loves us. Even if my sin is not overwheling me, I am still humbled. These past weeks have been incredibly full of the presence of my God. I've felt His hand, His reassurance and His love so frequently... And, I promise, these have not been an easy few weeks.. But it certainly hasn't been long since I was drowning in the realization of how sinful I am and just how often I fail. It is quite frequent that I find my focus on myself and my performance instead of the object of our faith - Jesus Himself. He lived perfectly so that I don't have to. My salvation comes in loving Him and thus, obeying Him. And thankfully, the Word is full of reminders that God knows we're going to fail and yet we can "confidently approach the throne of grace to receive mercy." Hebrews 4:16 This song reminds me that my sin can't control me - it's been cast away - as far as the east is from the west. See what you think...

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning in Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me; I yearn for peace and rest.
I don't want to end up where You found me and it echos in my mind; keeps me awake tonight...
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before you now, as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way..

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the east is from the west?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far the east is from the west -
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day - the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drown out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way..

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the east is from the west?
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far the east is from the west -
From one scarred hand to the other

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your Word reveals
I'm not holding onto You, but You're holding onto me
You're holding onto me

Jesus, you know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far the east is from the west -
From one scarred hand to the other.

God Answers Prayer

There are many reasons that I believe in the power of prayer.. This past week has only given me more reasons. :) As many of you know, I've been put on medication for my seizures (and it's working, by the way) but the medicine is very expensive. I take three pills a day, and each pill is between $2 and $3 apiece. So, I was looking at, minimum, $180 a month for the rest of my life... Yikes! But then my dr. switched and put me on a different med that IS ON THE WALMART $4 PERSCRIPTION LIST!!!! Can you believe it!?!? So, for a month, my medicine is now going to be $13. Isn't God amazing? I know that could only be because people have been praying for us. Also, I've been going to school online through Grand Canyon University but I was going to have to take the summer off because my financial aid didn't cover all my spring semester, so I had a balance due. And they won't let you take more classes, even though I have financial aid for summer, if you have an outstanding balance. Then I got a phone call yesterday. Wednesday. Classes started Monday. It was my academic advisor letting me know that I needed to sign in to my classes. I explained to him that I wasn't taking classes this semester because there was a financial hold on my account. He said, "No, that's been taken care of so that you can take classes. In fact, you're registered for one, so you better get to work!" I was flabbergasted to say the least. I even looked at the phone to make sure there wasn't a problem with it - I couldn't believe what I was hearing... But, no he was right, somehow, the issue was resolved (I still don't understand how) but I'm signed up for three classes this semester and I've got some catching up to do!! :L) I won't even get my books until next week, so this outta be interesting. :) Actually, if I want to really work my hind-end off, I could graduate at the end of summer. That would require me to that the two most difficult psychology classes offered in the same semester! (Along with two other classes!) So, I may have to wait until December... But still, I'm excited that graduation is even that close! I'm going to have a degree before I'm thirty afterall! :) (30? Did I just say 30? Am I really that old??? :) ) Remember, God really does answer prayer! :)

Chloe's and Jillie's haircuts

Here are the long awaited photos of Chloe and Jillian after their haircuts. Let me know what you think. :) Aren't they gorgeous little girls?!?!? :) Jillie's hair is just as curly as it was before I cut it and Chloe just loves hers because she doesn't get nearly as many tangles and she doesn't have to have her hair in a piggy - she can just wash and go. (And mom likes that too!)
On a side note, I've started on medication for my seizures. I started Wednesday, today is Saturday. I had no ill effects until yesterday afternoon when I started getting dizzy. I woke up this morning still dizzy which is extremely unfortunate because I have a lot of homework to do and it's very hard to read that little print in my text when all the words are swimming together... I only have one week left and I'm not ashamed to say that I CANNOT WAIT!!! Lowell thinks I need to take a quarter off both because of how hard I've been working and also because of the introduction of the medicine. He doesn't think it's smart to be commited to a full load when I don't know how these meds will affect me. I don't like to admit that I may be taking on too much, but I think he may be right. We are also considering the option of me working. However with our current schedule, the kids would have to be in day care for two hours a day: from 3:30 to 5:30. If the child care was $5/hour per child, that would be $30 a day. I don't think I'll make more than minimum wage right now so... I'd only be making $34 a day. I don't know if that would be worth it for an eight hour day... I'd work from 4 to midnight, so I'd make $4 an hour and be tired the next day... So, that's still a work in progress.
Jillian is still very bossy and is exerting her power very frequently. Interestingly enough, Nathan has decided that he has some power to throw around too so we've begun to see a battle of wills between them. Chloe just kind of watches them and sides with whoever she thinks will be the winner in the current battle. It usually ends with Jillian screaming and Nathan crying... That has been... an interesting study in human behavior. And a pain in the peaches!! I'm ready for this battle to be over. I'm afraid, however that it will be a permenant fixture in our home as they grow. I'm working on teaching them to work together and be sure that they are using love as their filter. Unfortunately, I think I take two steps forward and three steps back because I often find myself so frustrated at their warring that I end up yelling at them both! I think the solution lies in being aware enough of what's going on that I can cut them off before the fight begins. So much of parenting is just being observant and focusing your attention on the kids. That means that there is a lot of time involved... I need to let some things go that I'm currently spending my time and attention on and focus it on the kids... Easier said than done, but we're working on it. :)

Priorities

Going to the doctor is always a struggle for me. There are a lot of reasons why but there's one issue in particular I think I can change. I don't really know much about the lives of my family members so I definitely don't know about their medical histories. So when I am asked about my family history of illness, I have no idea. I have decided to take an interesting approach... I went online and found some medical history forms and printed them out. I'm going to send them to my family and hopefully, without offending them, get a whole picture of my family tree. I'd really like to take the time to interview my family members... I'd like to know about their parents, their childhoods, just their lives... I don't feel very connected with my extended family. And my horrible memory doesn't help the matter any. That's partially why I'd like to interview them and get things written down. I also think it's important for us to share our stories with the next generations... When my great grandmas die, their stories will be lost. And my memory of the stories they've told me isn't reliable enough to count on. I hope they will be able to understand and appreciate my motives instead of being offended or feel like I'm invading their privacy. Wouldn't you like to know more about your family and their lives?
Circumstances in my life recently have lead me to begin to focus on things that are important. I think God is really trying to teach me what life is all about. I heard on the radio today, "Make peace with God and peace with yourself, because in the end, that's all there is." I'd add family to that. I believe that I have been put on earth not to have a beautiful house, car or body but to show the beauty of a life lived for Christ and a life that gives Him glory. Also, to help members of my family to experience the fullness of joy by letting Christ live in them. My prayer is that I can continue to keep my eyes on what is important and to not be led astray by the lure of soceity. That is my prayer for you too. :)

I'm not nuts!

Well, this morning didn't start out very well - I locked myself out of my car and had to pay $50 to get the tow company to open my door! Can you believe it? $50?!?!??! Someone is getting rich! And I had a slim-jim kit in my trunk! (Because I'm supposed to be the mechanic's wife who is helping other people, right!?!?) Anyway, now I went to Walmart and got a magnetic hide-a-key.. Won't have that problem again! :) But, back to my news, I went to the neurologist today, and he said that my seizures are definitely not all in my head - they're not psychological. I'm actually sick. And he's ordered me an EEG and an MRI and I'm going to be on medication. (for the rest of my life!!) That may not sound like good news to some people, but when you've been told for almost 8 years that you're so crazy that you're making yourself pass out and that if you'd just get your act together, you'd get better.. And you've struggled to "get your act together" with no positive results... It feels wonderful to know that I'm actually sick. :) My doctor hasn't identified exactly what kind of epilepsy that I have, the eeg and the mri will do that, but for now, it's just such a relief to know that I'm not nuts!!! Praise Jesus! :) I feel like a burden has been lifted and I can finally breathe.... I'm not thrilled about being on medication - let me say that - and I absolutely can't get prego on this medicine because it can be very bad for a baby but I didn't want to get pregnant again anyway! And now I will start to feel better!!!! :) The only really common side effects of this drug are headache, naseau (Does anyone really know how to spell that word??) and lack of appetite. Ok, I'm thrilled about the lack of appetite and I can still take Advil, so, I'm good. Anyone who knows about my pregnancy with Nathan knows that I can handle nausea! :) So, praise Jesus for epilepsy! :) And for getting everything together so that I could finally go to the doctors. "All I have to offer is this fragile breath, but with each one I'll praise you!"

Perspective

Sometimes I wonder... There are so many things I don't understand... And most of them have to do with me! :) Why do I do some of the things I do? Why do I react in anger when I know that I'll regret it? Why do I munch on totally unhealthy things knowing that I'm going to hate the number on the scale tomorrow? Why do I hesitate from telling people how I feel? Why do I shrink from being honest and transparent - in other words why do I allow what other people think to dominate my actions? And, I guess, ultimately, why do I spend so much time thinking about myself?? If I could just quit worrying about myself and spend that energy taking care of other people, not only would I feel better but I'd also be making a difference. Now... to get started....

Haircuts and humility

Chloe's best friend Samantha has short hair and Chloe has been bugging me to cut her hair. Finally we talked it over with Daddy and decided that we'd go for it. Now she has a cute little bob and I have to admit, I really like it. :) It got scary though... Jillian wanted me to cut her hair too. She has beautiful curls but the top of her hair is a train wreck. It's short and messy and impossible. So, Lowell convinced me to go for it. I am petrified that her curls will go away, but she wanted it done and so - snip. Off they came... And now we'll see if they return as it grows. I'll keep you posted. :)
The kids and I went yard sale-ing yesterday. The kids had a good time but they got tired of being in and out of the car all day. We were discussing how Mom asks them to stay close and not talk to strangers and then at the next yard sale, of course, Nathan ran off to see something interesting. "Why do you keep refusing to do what I ask you to? I'm trying to keep you safe Honey!" As soon as the words were out of my mouth, the Holy Spirit spoke. "Rani, why don't you listen when I tell you to do something. Or to not do something. Don't you think I'm only seeking the best for you? And don't I know what is best for My children, even more than you do?"
Isn't is wonderful having a God who loves us enough to be personally involved in our lives and who doesn't give up on us or get angry at us when we disobey? More than that, He keeps reaching out. Keeps reminding us that He still loves us. "My grace is sufficient..." "My burden is easy and My yoke is light." We're so lucky.