Intentionality

I'm working on being very intentional in my words. I am trying to be sure that whatever I say is what I really mean. For example, there are times when I get help from a stranger - like a person in the bank, and in the past, I might have said - "Oh! I love you!" In reality, I should have expressed gratitude without saying the 'L' word. I believe that "love" is much too frequently used. At least I find that I have used it very flippantly. So, in order to better appreciate the real meaning of love, I've decided that I will be very careful about when I use that word. I love my kids. And I love my husband. And I love Moron and my daddy and.. Well, a lot of people. But I don't love the bank teller. There are other times when chosing my words carefully has been very important too. For example, when I'm trying to express why I'm frustrated or why I'm hurting. Using very specific language can lessen the likelihood of a misunderstanding and will also ensure that I'm better aware myself of what I'm really feeling.
Along that line, lately I find myself telling my husband that I like him. I definitely love my husband and I still frequently tell him so, but in addition, I genuinely like him. And I think that's special. :)
We are getting closer to the time when, most likely, Lowell will be gone for a significant period of time and I'm really dreading it... I want to stay home with our kids and we've both agreed that it is best for them if I stay home with them but the sacrifice of having my husband gone... Well, its definitely going to take some getting used to. I can almost guarantee that the majority of my posts during that time will revolve around him.. That and how crazy I'll be going as a "single" mom.
On that topic, its amazing to me how drastically my feelings have changed in just a couple of weeks. I was re-reading some earlier posts and I was surprised. I can tell you when I noticed the change.. I just don't know why its happening. I had a three day MLK Jr weekend and I spent almost all of it on the couch. I didn't want to play with the kids, I didn't want to take care of them.. I just wanted to be selfish and read and relax. And I kept getting grouchier and grouchier as they continued to demand my attention. And the grouchiness continues... I was really tired the week before Martin Luther King day and so I thought a couple of days of rest would do me good. It turns out that the opposite was true. I seem to do better on less sleep but then I get the selfish bug and turn into a, well, ... B&%*$
Selfishness is a major hurdle of mine. And, unfortunately, so is guilt. So after I'm selfish, I feel guilty about it and feel even worse. And then the hole is hard to climb out of. So, today, that's where I find myself. I have finally gotten the schedule that I wanted so that I can be with my kids. And I haven't read them a bedtime story in almost 2 weeks. And I was completely grouchy with them today... (A couple redeeming moments - I did have a tea party with Boogie before we picked up the others at school and I did read a couple books with Chloe) But I don't feel like these little things are enough...
One thing I would really like to work on is saying no. There is more than one way to say "no" and some ways are much better than others... Most of it has to do with attitude and I know that I'm not doing it right. One way I can tell is through the attitude of my kids...
Anyway, as you can tell, I'm struggling with doing a good enough job, being a good mom, and heaping guilt upon myself every time I don't feel like I've done the best that I could have. And because of it I'm not experiencing the joy that I was only two weeks ago. And that really saddens me. I am so blessed and so lucky.. And I want to live like it! And I definitely want to show my kids that I appreciate, love and enjoy them. I want them to grow up knowing that their mom and dad love them unconditionally and that we are proud of them. And thankful that they are here... I'm not sure how to get back to the way I was feeling and behaving at the beginning of the month... But I'm going to be working on it and praying about it. Could you pray about it for me too?