Usually I hesitate to blog when things are not going wonderfully in life. In all honesty, I've completely avoided blogging when I'm struggling. I've always wanted this blog to one that brings glory to God and encouragement to those who read it. However, today I realized that only transparency and truth bring glory to God and that people are more likely to be encouraged by a person who is willing to say, 'I've been there' than one who hasn't struggled. Today, I was at the lowest point I've been at in quite awhile. I was crying; not the 'ow-I-hurt-my-finger'-crying, but the 'crying-so-hard-I-can't-speak-or-breath'-crying. I was sobbing. My heart was broken because I hurt the man that I love most in this world. Actually, I heard the depth of his pain and the severity of what I have done.
I have been so wrapped up in my own pain - actually, the process of avoiding my own pain, that I have spent a great part of the last 8 years hurting my husband. And today, it finally became too hard for him to suffer in silence. He told me about how difficult its been for him to express his love for me and to have it be "inconsequential" to me. He has offered me nothing but stability and love but I've still pulled away. I've been unable to accept his love. I don't believe that he really loves me even though his actions definitely say that, indeed, he does. I have never, ever cheated on him, but I've sought the approval and affection of other people as a method of boosting my own self-esteem and as a way to convince myself that I'm worthwhile. My past has convinced me that I am not worthwhile. His heart is hurting because he thinks that his love should be enough for me. What he gives me should be enough to allow me to accept my past, deal with my hurts, accept myself and move on. But my actions have made him believe that he's not enough, no matter what he does, it's never enough. Unfortunately, he shouldn't have to be the person filling the void in my life. I need to accept myself and I need to let Christ heal me. But I've been scared... And, honestly, I don't know how to even get started... I don't know how to truly forgive - either myself or someone else, and I don't know how to deal with a past that I can't face.
Tonight I asked myself what I'm so scared of... I lived through it, so what could be so hard about facing it... And I got my answer... I am afraid that I might be somehow to blame, that I may have encouraged it, or that I may have even liked it. Don't think I'm nuts, keep reading... As I was sobbing, instead of having a little angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, I had a counselor on one shoulder and a little girl on the other. I was counseling myself as I was facing this question. The horrible answer is yes, I probably did enjoy at least some of it. This is the saddest, sickest part of sexual molestation because God made those parts to be touched and fondled, and for it to be enjoyable! That was His intent and when abusers use it against kids, it is incredibly confusing for them. For me. And I'm just now beginning to face it.
Just beginning. That was the problem today. I've had 12 years of support and love from Lowell and yet I really haven't made any progress toward healing. I've been avoiding and abusing my husband in the process. All this time I've either been deluding myself into believing that my actions didn't bother him, or I've just been so selfish that I wasn't paying attention to who I was hurting. I believe it to be a combination of the two. And hearing about it tonight - hearing about the pain I've caused him was horrible.
Without wanting to sound like I'm belittling his pain, because I'm absolutely not, I am thankful for today. I took a big step today toward healing. I faced the answer to one question. And I realized, as Lowell said, that I'm allowing my past to contine to hurt me because I'm allowing those nights to steal my todays. I'm not the mother that I want to be because of my anger issues, and I'm definitely not the wife I want to be. I need to do something about it.
More than once I've been on the floor begging, pleading, demanding that God heal me. I've cried and negotiated and pled my case. Now I've come to accept that He's not going to remove this thorn miraculously. But He's not going to abandon me either. He's going to walk every difficult step with me, and probably going to have to carry me quite a bit. But I am going to go through it. I am going to accept what happened to me and I'm going to forgive both my abusers and myself. And I'm going to get better. God is going to be there with me every step of the way during my own personal healing and for the healing of my family. And, Lord only knows why, but Lowell is going to be there too. I need to accept that. He really does love me. I know I don't deserve it, but its being offered and I'm so thankful. I'm humbled and blessed and scared. But I'm not alone. Thank you, God, I'm not alone.