Pictures

I love taking pictures of my children. I love taking pictures in general, but I am definitely blessed with beautiful children so why shouldn't I use them for muses?!?!? :) They are not all enthusiastic about the process... Nathan in particular wasn't thrilled about the idea of taking a few hours to pose and smile. Here are some of the shots I got that day...

No Guilt - I Promise!!

While its not exactly a plea for attention, I am definitely missing the comments that my friends used to post. I know that everyone is busy, but it makes me feel disconnected.
This is my only connection to my friends and so I get lonely without little comments from you guys!!! I miss you!!!

Boogie the Turtle

I am soooo in love with my little Boogie!

She is passion and fire and spirit all rolled up into this little ball that is Boogie. She can get soo angry and she will cross her little arms, and furrow her little brow and squinch her little nose and stomp her little foot... And then she will explode with exuberance and sprint down the hall and throw her entire body into this full love slam hug that is accompanied with this "I LOVE YOU MAMA". And then at the same time, she will break out in tears that she misses her sister, she misses her brother, or... my most un-favorite time - when I allow my temper to escalate so that I snap at her with a tone of voice that she says scares her. These moments I regret and get Mom guilt and hate and wish that I could take back. Those moments, she just cries and cries.... But as soon as I take her in my arms and apologize, she's right back to loving me again with that passionate, beautiful,100% devoted heart. And its just gorgeous.

I laughed so much tonight sitting in the Lounge at BK watching her fight with the door... It is so unfathomable for me that she is so little that she actually has to fight with the door to get it open. I can't even imagine being that weak! :)

And then there's her social butterfly status... Some mornings when we drop Chloe and Nathan off at their school, Boogie will bust out into tears because she "misses her guys". Sometimes this fit will last all the way to her school... As soon as she sees one of her friends or one of her teachers however, its over. The door to my car flings open, she's grabbing her lunch and running out the door. "Bye, Mom!" I rarely get an 'I love you' or a good-bye hug because she's so excited to see one of her school friends.

She is also passionate about her opinion. She knows what she wants and exactly what she doesn't want.

I've watched her as she is enthralled by the new Taylor Swift video on CMT... Her little body moves and sways to the beat but her eyes don't ever leave the screen... She is a lover of music, just like her mama. She frequently tells me to "Turn it up" and she will sing out lyrics to worship music, the latest country hits and even some songs that Daddy (or other media) have exposed her to. Like "I like big butts". It was exciting the first time I heard that song come out of my 5 year old's mouth. Or "Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty...." Its amamzing how quickly they learn and how short the exposure needs to be in order for these things to get stuck in their brains.

And aggravating how easily their silly little songs get stuck in my head. :)

Pressure.

I have to fill out my practicum application. Its 21 pages. And I'm avoiding it.
I have been avoiding it for 3 months now.
And now I've learned that I have to submit this application 16 weeks before I begin my practicum... That creates a problem because I am 8 weeks away from finishing my classes. So, I either have to take 8 weeks off and just work or I have to find a way to make an exception.
Honestly, I was REALLY happy for the break! I need a break soooo badly.
But Lowell doesn't want me to lose my momentum. I have 6 months to complete my 600 hours of practicum. And I will need to take my licensure exam in February. And, assuming that I pass my test, I'll graduate in May.
Then I'll have two years of internship. I know I've shared this with everyone before, but it helps for me to remind myself that there is an end to this process. It has taken soooo much longer than I thought it would. I wasn't expecting a two year internship process but at least I'm close to graduation.
Now I just have to fill out this application. Today.
And find a new job where I can do my practicum. Within the next 2 weeks.
No pressure.

Feelings

When my children are angry at me, I welcome them to come and to come to me and tell that they're angry. Chloe hates to do it. She absolutely just feels terrible when she comes and tells me,
"Mom, I'm angry at you." She told me the other night that she feels like she needs to apologize - she feels like she needs to be sorry for being angry at me and I said, "No, Honey, no! You came to me and told me, 'Mom, I'm angry. I don't like what you told me to do, but I'm going to do it anyway.' Thats exactly what I want you to do!!"

I welcome and I applaud the times that they are willing to share their heart with me, the times they are vulnerable with me, to be transparent... They are willing to have a heart that is self-controlled enough to express their anger, to express their feelings and still be obedient. That is such a blessing.

Those are the spirits that I am trying to cultivate - that I am praying for my children to grow up with. Children that are not ashamed of their feelings, not afraid to experience the emotions that God has given them.

But at the same time, to have the power over those feelings that we are commanded to have. To be able to capture their thoughts and to be able to realize that sometimes what they feel is simply not true. Sometimes when they feel alone or when they feel like no one likes us or they feel like somethings not fair - They need to realize that sometimes, its simply not true. Instead of being truthful, it may either be their sinful heart or Satan whispering in their ear...

It doesn't make our feelings wrong.

I want my babies to learn early the power that they have over those feelings. over their thoughts, over what they choose to believe about life, about their family, about God, about themselves.. And I am sooo thankful that I am witnessing progress. That God is giving me a little glimpse into what is going on in their hearts. Apparently, something is going right!

All I can do is pray for continued mercy that things keep going right. That I keep making the right choices and leading my children in the right path.. And that maybe I can learn some of this self-control as I'm teaching and leading them.

Stress and Its Causes

I had a seizure yesterday. I believe this is only the latest in a string of episodes that are symbolizing my body's need to rest and recuperate. I've also been hiving a LOT lately.

All things considered, I've been very blessed because my emotional state hasn't gotten out of control. Usually, when I get really stressed I get weepy, easily angry and overly critical of myself. I guess I'm all of those things on a normal day but the symptoms are exacerbated by stress.

My stress of late has been comprised of many low level stressors that, when combined, lead to the overwhelmed feeling. When I get a little stressed about money and a little stressed about a disagreement with my husband and a little stressed about some regret I have from 2 months ago (or 6 months ago, or 15 years ago) and then I get a little stressed about how stressed I am and how I know that I'm overreacting and how unhealthy it is... And then, because I'm stressed, I might snap at one of the children and then I'll stress at how I'm "screwing up" my kids and how they'll remember their childhood as horrible, and then I get stressed about how they aren't getting along and how there must be something that I need to either do or stop doing.....

That little snapshot is just a fraction of the chaos that exists in my head each day. There are thoughts that lead to other thoughts and worries that lead to others and regrets that foster other regrets... And then I find myself almost completely immobilized by irrational fears about how people view me, how extraordinarily, incredibly, uncommonly imperfect I am. Uncommon is the most important adjective in that list because, in a way that is almost indescribable, I believe that my screw-ups are worse than those of others.
I'm not sure that is completely accurate either... I believe that the consequences for my actions are more severe than those of others. I've been told that this is narcissistic. I don't mean to be egocentric, but for some reason, I believe that in order to be accepted, I need to live up to a higher standard than what I hold others to.

I'm definitely a perfectionist. And I definitely don't want to teach my children this trait. I am working to teach them that mistakes are ok and even an accepted and sometimes desired occurrence.
I'm seeking to teach them "In order to live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong." And, at the same time, I'm attempting to learn this lesson myself.

My little Mariposa

Chloe... My beloved Chloe...

I got a text message at 7:05 Tuesday morning from the kids' school.. We leave for school at 7:05 am. School was canceled for Nathan and Chloe. So, dressed and ready to go, already sitting in the car, I told them the news. Nathan was thrilled! Jillian was happy that she could still go to her school. (Preschool and kindergarten are at a different campus) Chloe was quiet... After thinking about it for a minute she said, "Maybe I could go to school with Jillie and help in her class." I honestly didn't know if that was an option but I told her we could ask Jillian's teacher. "But Mom," she said, "I have to go to school! What about Bales??!?" (Bales was the school they went to before the charter school) I just laughed!!! How adorable is she?? She just wanted to be at school soooo badly!

So we asked Jillian's teacher and, Chloe spent the day as a teacher's assistant for Kindergarten.

Tonight while Nathan and I were reviewing his spelling words and I was cooking dinner, Lowell was talking to Chloe... He held her down and tickled her and then, when she got away, she strutted back toward her room saying, "Do you know how to treat girls?????? .... Not like that!"


So fantastic.. She's awesome! :)

Chloe has also been promoted to the Honor's math program. She's doing amazing. She rarely misses more than one or two questions on anything she does and is soooooo adamant about doing the right thing. For example, she lost one of her 'tie' shoes a couple days ago. The school rule is that the kids have to wear shoes with laces.. So, Chloe's only options were to go to school with one 'tie' shoe or with two shoes that buckled. She was frantic - absolutely convinced that she was going to get in trouble. I had to practically drag her out of the car; she had to take two breaks to calm down on the way into the class building, and she after I spoke to the teacher, she took another break in the bathroom to calm herself down. Of course, the teacher wasn't upset and she didn't get in trouble... She is just sooo concerned with doing things the right way that she couldn't stand going to school without the proper dress code.

I see a lot of me in her... I was a complete perfectionist as a child and I was also very conscientious about following the rules. I don't want her to take the perfectionism as far as I have... I want her to be flexible and able to make decisions about when its okay to bend the rules. Because of this, I'm glad I streched her that day but it was hard to watch her suffer. Thankfully, she was completely back to normal by the time I picked her up. And she could even admit that she had overreacted a little about her shoes.