I'm very excited about school being back in session. Nathan is loving first grade - he's learning to read, and it's so exciting to hear him sounding out the words. He gets points for each book that he reads and he's in competition with another boy in class to be the first one to 10 points. Each book is only worth about a half a point, so that's a lot of reading! :) His teacher loves him and has told us that we're not allowed to move! :) I finally broke down and told Chloe's teacher that I was dying for some feedback about her. She said "She's incredible bright, she leads by example, she's got middle child confidence... She's a blessing". Honestly, it was a relief. I didn't expect her to be having any problems, but its still such a relief to hear that she's not struggling. I want them to love school and to love reading. I'm trying very hard not to push Nathan in his reading. I'm trying to model how much I love to read and its actually been great for me because I've actually read a couple of novels in the last week instead of being immersed only in textbooks! :) As I write, Nathan is laying on the floor reading a Dear Dragon book. It's such a joy to hear him.
At the same time, I've been noticing that I'm getting a little frustrated lately. I'm not content being "just a mom". I've heard all the cliches and I've seen all the cross-stitched pillows, but I just don't feel like I'm... fulfilled. I know, with my head, that I'm doing a good thing being with my kids... Lowell asked me what he can do to help. I asked him to give me more kuddos. But now, thinking about it, this only happens when I see him doing 'grown-up' stuff. Adult things that don't include kids. Like tonight, for instance, he's at his friend's house. They work on his car and drink a couple beers and talk and laugh until the wee hours of the morning... And it makes me jealous. I don't have anything that is comprable to that... I need to start a late night scrap club or something where we can get together once or twice a month to scrapbook... I wonder if there would be a desire for that kind of thing... And I wonder where I could have it... My house is almost certainly out of the question unless it was just people that I know really well... You'd only understand that if you've seen my house. :) The problem with that kind of stuff is getting people who are committed enough to make it a priority and actually show up every time. Anyway, I think I need something so that I don't feel like I do nothing other than correct kids, repeat myself a million times a day, and pick up the same dirty laundry, dirty dishes and jumbled pile of toys over and over again.
I am so thankful for how I've been feeling this week. I haven't struggled with my "issues" nearly as much as I have in the past. I've also had an epiphany that may seem silly to some.... I woke up one morning, Sunday actually, with the realization that I am not a victim. My attitude is one of power now, I feel like I am actually kind of in-control of my emotions for once in a long while. This may be partially because I haven't had to really deal with anything in the past week. I'm waiting to see if I can 'deal' and cope for good... I'm trying to accept my past, whatever it is, and move on without going through any more agony. The real test will come when I'm tired, emotional and vulnerable and when something really stressful comes up. When I'm at my weakest is when it becomes a true issue. In weakness, He is made strong, right? :) He offers His grace without strings, our only job is to accept it. We must get over ourselves and believe that the God of the Universe accepts us and loves us and even wants to use us in our dismally unperfect state. Even more so, He created us imperfect. If we were perfect, we wouldn't need Him. We are created to be an example of His perfect love - we must only allow Him to do it.