Helicopters and Clouds

This is Wyatt and his helicopter. There are different colored balls that can be pushed down through the rotors and buttons that can be pushed to make various sounds and music. They also ask him to put certain colors of balls into the helicopter. This toy also has a string in the front of it and wheels on the bottom that allows Hubba to pull it around. And pull it around he does. Hubba loves his helicopter. It was a birthday present from his Grandma Who. Its so cute to look up and see him walking past me in a room and dragging his copter and then look up a few minutes later to see him walking by the other direction still dragging his toy. Wyatt knows how it is supposed to drive too and will stop to right it if it falls off its wheels. So cute! :) Thanks Grandma Who!
Wyatt is not much of a talker, which is quite a novelty in our home! :) At 15 months he says, mama, ba-ba, da-da, sissy, ki-ki, cracker, hi, and out. He definitely makes himself understood however, even without words. For example, if he's hungry, he'll grab someone by the hand and lead them over to the pantry. Or to the back door if he wants to play outside. I love seeing him learn to communicate but it looks like he's being stubborn about his speech. I guess he'll talk when he wants to. :) He also waves hello and goodbye, gives high 5's and gives me his cheek when I ask for kisses.

It sounds ridiculous, but its been hot here. In Phoenix, in the summer, its hot. Really, not kidding. But the temperature hasn't really been the problem, its been the humidity. We've had many, many days recently where our swamp cooler simply doesn't make a dent in the heat because the air is so wet. While it is incredibly miserable to be so sweaty and hot, the weather has created some awesome cloud activity. (Unfortunately not much rain has come of the beautiful formations!) I have taken lots of pictures but cannot seem to capture the full experience on film. This is the best one so far, the sunset from a few nights ago. Finding beauty in the midst of the uncomfortable. That's a skill that can be used to deal with more than just the humidity.

Humility

Today is one of those days.I didn't sleep well and I have a lot to accomplish. After breakfast where I burnt my scrambled eggs, I tried to take a shower. After being interrupted 4 times, I yelled at the Biggies to leave me in peace and just let Hubba shower with me. Until now, showering with him has never been a problem. Today however he found something new in the shower to entertain him...
A particular part of my anatomy to be specific.
One that I don't feel comfortable having my son be interested in.

Finally we were both clean and dressed although I was even less relaxed than when I got in the shower. Thankfully, the Biggies had been obedient and cleaned up the living room but now they were all missing. I rightly assumed that they had taken care of themselves and then loaded up in the van to wait for me.
One thing I like about having all my minions is that they have extra arms. I have multiple errands planned and so I had quite a few things to bring with me - computer, purse, diaper bag, shopping list, organizer, library books... And Hubba. Because all my Helpers were in the van, I loaded up my arms and tried not to be irritated. Blessedly, Chloe jumped out of the van when she saw me coming and grabbed a couple things.

Stop one: McDonalds to check my email and check into the virtual classroom for the first day of my second-to-last class. I was really looking forward to a certain email. We're trying to sell a trailer on Craigslist.
I logged on.
No email.
Bummer.

Next: classroom check-in. Big assignment for the first week and lots of reading to do at home. Blessedly, I have an e-book so I don't have to buy a textbook but I'm still working out the bugs as to whether or not I'll to able to access it without internet. If I have to have the internet every time I need to read my book, I'm going to be in deep doo-doo. Praying about that one.

Meanwhile, the Biggies are running around McDonalds. They are usually very good at playing and taking turns watching Hubba. Today however, they have decided that they all want to play together (miracle!) but that leaves no one to watch the baby. It even got to the point where one of the employees brought him back to the play area because he was approaching the front door. That makes you feel like mom of the year.

Other memorable events that are sure to push me ever closer to that Best Mom Ever award:

I got him water for his sippy cup. Inexplicably, after just a couple drinks, he dropped his cup and started screaming. None of us could find out what was wrong with him. He was just miserable and I don't know why.
He finally drank all the water and still wanted something so I bought a little milk. He threw the sippy cup full of milk and it leaked all over the floor.
He tried to escape again. I snatched him up and carried him back to our table. When I had walked across the whole crowded restaurant, I realized that he had pulled down my shirt to reveal my bra. My whole bra. Well, at least one side. Fortunately it was the side that got dyed a really ugly shade of red during my most recent effort to hide my gray hairs. Feeling humiliated for flashing the whole store with my ugly half maroon, half dingy white boob, I tried to regain my composure and feel like an almost-Master's-level counselor.
I failed.

After a time in the high chair, Hubba got restless again. Time to give the Biggies another change to be helpful. This time they worked together to entertain him. With pony rides. One of Hubba's favorite thing is to "ride the Nay-Nay pony". (Whenever anyone, in this case Nathan, lays on the floor on their stomach, Wyatt will climb onto their back and bounce up and down smiling and waiting to be given a ride on the pony.)
So, in the McDonald's toddler area, my kids are giving their baby brother pony rides. Cute, in theory. Adorable in practice. Until you think about the logics of it. I first noticed it when it was Jillian's turn. I looked up to smile appreciatively at the Biggies for doing such a good job and realized Jillian was on her hands and knees on the nasty, dirty, smelly floor. Her turn was over and the words were just coming out of my mouth: "Hand sani-..." And her finger went in her mouth.

If horrible mothering was an Olympic sport, I would be proudly atop that podium listening to the national anthem right now...

And its only 10:30 in the morning.

Did I mention that I prayed for humility the other day?

Prayer answered.

PS As I'm posting this, I hear "Eew Hubba, don't eat that sock."
Thankfully it was Chloe's sock. Family germs are better than a stranger's germs, right?

Grandma Who's Slip and Slide

The whole gang

Cartwheeling and playing rodeo with the hose

The Biggies

Different day, but I love this picture of everyone together... Such a happy family! :)

The kids have been loving playing with their slip and slide again this summer. It was a present from Grandma Who and Grandpa Chug last summer. The past couple days have been really humid and the water has been a blessed relief from the heat. Thanks again Grandma and Grandpa!!

More New Experiences

I recently had a job interview with a company that I am totally excited about. The position is part time in the evenings and some Saturdays so the hours would be ideal for childcare but less than ideal for me getting to see the kids... It would be great as far as moving forward professionally and I think I would really enjoy the job. Since the interview I've gotten a request to write an essay that I submitted yesterday. After the essay portion, they contact me if they want a second interview. So, as of now, I'm waiting. On the day of the first interview, I took all the kids with me because we were going to go to Mesa and meet Lowell after he got off work in order to attend a bar-b-que at his friend's house. In order to kill time between the interview and bar-b-que, we went to a couple parks that the kids had never been to. The first was just a little playground and a huge field. The second, however, offered a model jet that was nearly life-sized and a pond. I stopped at the gas station across the street and bought a cheap bag of potato chips to feed to the birds and then the fun began. 

Feeding the ducks and the geese

Jillian getting more chips for the pigeons.
See the results of Chloe's perm?!? It left her a little bit curly! :)

Nathan feeding pigeons. After this picture Chloe got one to eat out of her hand.
This led to the next picture...

Everyone trying to get the pigeons to eat from their hands. :) Unfortuntately, there were no takers.

We met Lowell as he got off work and we headed to his friend Cameron's house. When we got there, things did not go exactly as planned. They apparently did not know the whole family was coming or, most likely, in the excitement of their day, forgot about us. You see, Cameron's dog was having puppies. As a matter of fact, the kids got to see a puppy be born. Right in front of them. Jillian said it was gross. Chloe said it was disgusting. It lead to a discussion about why the puppy was so dirty... Not the conversation I intended to have that day, but I love those teaching moments nonetheless. Even if they are about birth. In the middle of a stranger's living room.
In the end, we had Jack in the Box and spent a lot of time outside talking to Cameron and his dad. A fun evening all things considered. And a great opportunity for new experiences.

4th of July





4^th of July. We spent the afternoon at the Buckeye celebration. It was raining in the morning but the weather cleared up nicely in time for the event. There were water slides, a bounce house/water slide and the same slip and slide that the kids had at their birthday party. There was food and music and also family games like sack races and Frisbee. We camped out in the baseball field with our blanket and let the kids run around and play catch and “gymnastics” and who knows what else. Wyatt toddled around meeting the people on the blankets around us and playing with the Big Kids. The fireworks were great – I LOVE fireworks!!! Wyatt had woken up shortly before they started and didn’t cry a bit. He just laid in his stroller, sucking on his bottle and looking back and forth between the sky and us. I think he was trying to figure out what was going on and to get reassurance that we weren’t scared of the loud noises. It was a very easy, fun day and I was thankful that Lowell was willing to come with us. We didn’t get home until almost 10:30 and he had to get up for work at 2:30. He’s always such a trooper when he knows the kids want him to come with us.

I’ve long said that the 4^th of July is one of, if not my single favorite holiday. I love the family aspect, the patriotism and the fireworks.. And there isn’t the pressure that comes from gift buying, cleaning house, decorating, cooking, cooking and cooking… In the future I hope we can have a big bar-b-que and have family and friends over to celebrate with us but in the meantime we will keep loving our little family moments and keep teaching our kids the meaning of these days: that freedom isn’t free and that we are very blessed in our country. I love living in American and I am very grateful for those who worked 200 years ago to earn us freedom and also for those who currently serve to keep us free.  God Bless America.

Daddy and The Big Kids

One Month of Vacation to Go...

Goofy girls at the mall

Our summer has been spent either on the road, borrowing someone else’s air conditioner (mainly the mall’s) or inside our house. The humidity has been extreme and while it did bring us at least one awesome thunderstorm with a ton of rain, it makes our swamp cooler much less effective. Some days the house has been around 90 degrees and, while that is preferable to the 112 outside, it is still oppressive. Most days we ended up laying on the couch watching tv with our new purchase -- the converter box. That, I must say, was a good investment. We’ve been able to watch the news, the weather and Jeopardy!! Small pleasures!
And a couple weeks ago I initiated the kids to the world of “Fear Factor”. They are hooked. J The first week we watched contestants eating live leeches and then this past week we watched them climb into a burning building and one contestant had to shave her head and wax her eyebrows. We’ve also started watching Wipeout and American Ninja Warrior. Interesting viewing choices, I know, but they’re family friendly and entertaining. Lowell is usually asleep on the couch while we’re watching. So it’s kind of like we’re all together. With his new day shift he has to get up at 2:30 in the morning. This usually means that I’m up then too either to make his lunch (rarely) or, more likely, to make sure he’s awake. He’s still working 65-70 hours a week but he gets to be more involved with the family on day shift.

We did make it to the pool a couple days – one with Wyatt and one where Lowell watched him for me. Wyatt still loved the water and wanted to splash around constantly. His face went under the water a couple times and he didn’t freak out. By his nap time though, he was done. Thankfully that was also the time Lowell got off work and he swung by the pool to take Hubba home.

Me - trying to feel professional...

I’ve been looking for a job over the past month or so. I’ve been to 3 interviews and I have another one this Saturday. I interviewed with Jewish Family and Children’s Services twice and at A New Leaf; Saturday is for CPS. It seems that everywhere I go they keep telling me not to expect to hear something for awhile. I guess hiring right around the new fiscal year is a difficult task. I’m feeling a little discouraged but still looking. I’m also wondering if maybe I need to look into something else… Something to get by with until either I get my license in the spring or until Wyatt is a little older. I know I need to make some money but I am not sure how to accomplish that and still have time with the family… If I have a second shift, come school I won’t see the older kids at all. If I get the New Leaf job, I’ll also be working Saturdays… That means I’ll only have Sundays with the kids. All week. That’s it. I’m having a hard time with that… I KNOW I need to work, I get that, but I’m struggling with how to make it work. If I work during the day, Wyatt is in day care and I’m just paying someone else to watch him while I work. So, I’d either have to find a job where I can take him with me or where I make enough to make childcare worth it. Without a license, that doesn’t seem likely. I’m stuck. Any ideas?

Playing Just Dance

Anyway, back to our summer. While indoors, we’ve been playing, cooking and being creative. The kids play Wii – their favorites are MarioKart and Just Dance. The latter gets them exercise while keeping them cool, so that’s fantastic. (Thanks again, Auntie Leeda and Uncle Bread!!) Up until this week I’ve been going to my practicum 3 days a week but I still managed to get some scrapbooking done (thanks for the motivation Moron!) and I’m hoping to expand on that success now that I’m done with my practicum. I have a break now until September when the last two of my classes start.

August 13^th we find out what classes the kids are in and Back To School Night is the 16^th. First day of school is the 20^th. There is a wedding in the family in late September and we’re really hoping to be able to make it to Nevada for that special event. It has been quite awhile since we’ve seen that part of the family. The kids don’t remember their aunts and cousins on that side so this would be a special treat!

And the kids have been bummed that we didn’t take a “vacation” this summer. We’ve taken a ton of little trips across town or to new places they’ve never been but we didn’t meet the official “vacation” criteria I guess. I think Reno would meet their need to get out of town overnight. J

Waiting for the perm solution. Stinky!

Nathan and I have been spending some time in the evenings playing catch. He is getting really good and I’m excited about having a little more income next year come baseball season because I think he’d really enjoy it. That is my goal for this year – sports for the kids. Or some kind of extra-curricular activity of their choice. (Again this becomes a problem if I’m working swing shift but… We’ll work something out.) Chloe still wants to do gymnastics but she’d also like soccer or track. I’m not sure about Jillian yet – I’d like to do swimming because she still needs a little extra help with her swimming but I know she enjoys being in the water.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, Chloe has been desperate for curly hair. We decided to try a perm. It took about 3 hours; we went to the Empire Beauty School. Chloe turned into quite the spectacle. She had at least 3 student beauticians around her at all times. She wasn't really sure what to do with all the attention and she REALLY didn't expect the process to be involved and time intensive. Unfortunately, the very next day her hair had already begun to straighten. Today her hair has some wave in it but it definitely can't be called "curly". Chloe was totally bummed but has now comes to grips with the fact that her hair just isn't meant to be curly yet. We're hoping that hormones may help and we found a curling iron similiar to the one from the mall at Walmart that is only $30. Hopefully we'll be able to get the curling iron soon and give it a try.

During the major rain storm we had recently, we loaded up in the van and headed downtown to take a walk. We parked at the pool/park downtown and headed off down Main St. We must have seemed out of our minds just taking a stroll in the rain but it was so refreshing. The end of Main Street is a grocery store so we went in, got some drinks and snacks and then headed back to the car. On the return trip the rain intensified and by the time we got to the van we were all completely soaked! But we loved it. It was such a welcome change from the heat.

Family Day

Chloe at the zoo on the train

Jillian drinking and watching the animals go by

At the mall after the zoo. We were disappointed to learn the zoo closed early in the summer... Guess its just too hot for the animals so we headed to the air conditioning of the mall and used the excuse to try on some fashions. :)

One of the booths in the niddle of the aisle had a "magic" curling iron that even curled Chloe's impossibly straight hair!! Unfortunately, the iron was $200. We're looking into other options because she REALLY wants her hair to be curly.

Nathan and Lowell are not in these pictures but they were there -- I promise! :) Nathan especially loved the Lego store and Lowell always loves spending time with the family.

1 Year Loved

Birthday Boy! :)

Covered with frosting

I've been absent from my blog for awhile. No specific reason - just a season of busy-ness and disinterest. Because of this, I missed posting about Wyatt's first birthday. Here are some highlights. It was a low-key day. Just a little "cake" (animal crackers with frosting) and handmade presents from the kids. This is him playing with his Giraffe from Mamoo. He loves putting the little balls in the giraffes head and watching them fall out his legs.

The proud siblings

Sharing cake with Daddy

At one year, Wyatt is walking and says quite a few sounds/words. He says "Mama", "Dada", "KeyKey" (kitty), "Sissy" (Chloe), "dis" which is either "this" or "juice" or "yes" and knows who Boogie and NayNay are - he just can't say their names yet. He loves to throw things and has started getting in trouble because he's hit us in the face with things a few times. He still loves water and being outside as well as playing fetch with himself. He is a big eater and has started eating off my plate for meals. He prefers this to his baby food. We recently discovered that he LOVES french fries and corn dogs. (No hater mail - these are normal parts of his diet!) He is also in desperate need of a haircut and has been mistaken for a girl on a few occassions because of how long his curly hair has gotten. I am terrified that if we cut it off, it won't stay curly but we're going to have to do something! And soon! :)
 His 1 year check up was totally normal but he got a lot of shots -- 5 to be exact. He wasn't happy at all but recovered quickly and just had a little fever for the next 48 hours or so.
At 1 year, he also is still completely loved by his siblings. They are very good with him - helping me with him, playing with him, and marvelling with us as he learns and grows. He is becoming more of a challenge to them now that he's mobile but they are still completely smitten with their little brother. He's doing a great job sleeping, taking two naps a day and going to be at 7 at night and sleeping straight through until 5:45 or so in the morning. That may seem early, but I have to get up then anyway when the kids have school. During the summer its a little bit of a bummer but the kids are already up at that time and frequently Nathan or Chloe will come in and get him to give me a few more minutes of sleep.
Some days it still seems unreal that I have 4 children and especially that I have another baby but most days I don't know what I'd do without him. He constantly makes us smile and laugh at his antics. What a blessing he is!

Further Notes on My Journey Toward Christ

In the past months, I’ve gained some ground on dealing with my issues and have felt a reprieve from their negative effects on my life. My family, blessedly, has also experienced the change in me. This recent transformation I have attributed mostly to the fact that I am fed up with the idea of being stuck – of being... possessed almost by demons of fear and guilt and regret and shame and the absolute inability to do anything for fear that it would be wrong. It kept me completely paralyzed and made me into a quivering ball, a quivering lead mass of inertia and anxiety and stress and… 

The catalyst for the change I believe was a conversation with Lowell where he said that he had finally had enough,;where he said it had been 16 years and it was time to move on. That was really an eye opener for me and while not an instantaneous change, it was the impetus that I needed to get on my knees and tell God that I was done too. It had been long enough. And I was ready to move on. 

Week after week at church there would be these songs of freedom, that in Christ we have the ability to live freely because all that has already been taken care of. When God looks at those who believe in Him, at least in terms of redemption and sinfulness, He doesn’t see us – He sees Christ – we are completely spotless. One of the mysteries of God though is that He also sees me – inherently worthy, important and created for a purpose. And therefore, I need to be the person that He created me to be in order to fulfill that purpose or in order to have any hopes of making a meaningful difference or have an impact on the world.

I can’t sit in the corner and be afraid of every creak and groan and pop and noise and expect to change the world, – that’s impossible. I can't live that way and be a good mother or wife.

So when I took the perspective of these thoughts, these feelings, these behavior patterns had “possessed me” – not that I ever believed I was possessed by anything – when I took that approach to it, I could banish them from my mind knowing that they were already conquered by Christ; that there was no reason that I needed to give them any power in my life whatsoever. They were already overcome. The battle had already been fought and I had already been declared victorious so any affect they had on my life what I was giving them – what I was allowing them to.

And that hasn’t meant that I have succeeded every time. But I have succeeded more than I’ve failed – by a long shot. I have been able to stand my ground and begin putting on this persona of someone who is forgiven and loved and worthy.

I have noticed a huge change; Lowell has noticed a huge change and I am thankful. Unbelievably thankful.

As a side note, comically, one of the things that has happened on this journey is that I have been able to become more authentic in my relationship with Christ. I cuss at Him. Not in a disrespectful way that I am trying to belittle him – I guess its not at Him, its to Him. Because there just comes a time where “ow” doesn’t cut it, its more like “holy shit, this f**king hurts like hell”. And I know that not everyone is going to take that path in their walk with Christ but this has become part of my journey. For so long everything was stifled within me for fear that it was wrong. Or bad. Or imperfect. Or unChristian. And I’m letting go of that. They’re words. And they do have potential to do harm but in a safe relationship like what I have with Christ, I’m okay with using them – and I think He is too. That’s not to say that I will always talk to God this way. You know I may process my anger, process my pain and then revert to the way I was before but the ability to just be authentically angry without having to censor myself has been a freeing revelation.

While I have grown in my ability to control these feelings within me, they do still rear their ugly head now and then. Recently, for example, I was visited by Fear… A couple weeks ago my issues got more, well, issue-y and have tried to reassert their hold on both my emotions and my ability to cope. When I am in the throes of fear, anxiety, panic, helplessness and hopelessness it is very difficult to breathe much less to find perspective and calm within the madness.

During this most recent foray into the pressurized hell that accompanies any descent into fear and anxiety, I have been able to mostly keep my head above water. I have been able to keep the forces at bay and to retain much of joy and peace recently reintroduced into my life. That isn’t to say there haven’t been bad times. I have felt so overcome with internal pressure that I thought I would physically explode if I didn’t find some sort of release valve. I have been so enervated that I craved deep sleep from which I would never awake. Blessedly however, these times have been temporary and I have not succumbed completely to them.

I still haven’t found a proper release valve for when the pressure is that bad. I’ve tried some very unhealthy coping strategies that only complicated an already difficult situation. I have acknowledged that exercise is a good option that has proven effective in the past but it is so difficult to motivate myself to exercise when I can barely get myself to the bathroom.

These completely undesirable emotions are not without their silver lining, of course. I have learned empathy in an even greater breadth of experiences – I can now relate personally to even more facets of pain and loss. Of course, during these times I wasn’t thrilled about this revelation. In fact, I think I used all the four letter words I could think of and told God that I was not interested in being introduced to every major source of loss and pain simply to make me a better therapist. I didn’t care enough about being intimately familiarized with pain, loss, betrayal and trauma to go through my more … crappiness. I’ve been through my fair share of crappiness - I told God that I’ve done my time, earned my stripes, and can certainly empathize with people from enough backgrounds at this point.

Once the panic, the fear and the depression lifted my return to "healthy" was much quicker than it has been in the past. I am able to view life with joy and to use patience and mercy in my relationships. I can even treat myself with grace and have great hope for the future. I believe this has been the dawning of a new era. I'm very thankful to God for His devotion to growing me and shaping me, to loving me and also working for my best. And to my husband for standing by me on this journey and loving me through it.

Looking Vs. Feeling

I feel 31 in this picture. I guess that’s not completely true, I don’t feel 31, but I feel like I look 31.  I have gray hairs, wrinkles, and some of my pregnancy mask still. (When is that going to go away?!?! It’s been over a year already people!) Despite the signs of aging, for one of the first times I can see a resemblance between myself and one of my children. I have frequently heard that the kids look a lot like Lowell and I but until now, I’ve been hard pressed to see the similarities. Here I see how our eyes are shaped the same, we both have little button noses, both have somewhat curly hair and then there’s the pudgie little bellies. J

If given the choice I suppose I would rather look 31 than feel it. On the inside I still wonder when I was supposed to have grown up. I feel awkward and unsure, excited and anticipatory, curious and confused: exactly how I felt at 17. And 19. And 22. And now, 31. Outwardly I know I have to act professional and mature and responsible and *gasp* sometimes even sophisticated, but most of the time I’m laughing at this charade that seems so flimsy and transparent. How can I be a grown up when I still inwardly laugh when I ask the kids to “find Hubba’s balls”?

The Price of Freedom

Unbelievably thankful. 

A Week in Review

2011 VW Routan

Hubba in the kids waiting area of VW

We got a minivan!!!! :) I went on a "fact finding" mission to see about trading in our Jetta this week. We have long known that we need to upgrade to a minivan because we simply cannot all fit in the car at the same time with the Jetta. Day 1 at the dealership involved paperwork and talking to a wonderful salesman and test driving one of the pre-owned vans. There were three choices - two white and one slate. I HATE white vehicles and the slate colored one had 4000 less miles, cost $3000 less and wasn't white. The only downfall was that it didn't have the dvd players or the power lift gate. Huh, for $3000 I can buy a few dvd players and open my own trunk. :)

I left the dealership armed with info and ready to pray about our decision. I was able to convince them to hold the deal they had arranged for me for 24 hours to allow us to talk about it, pray about it and play with the finances. (On a side note, I was proud of myself for getting out of the dealership without signing anything! Those kids play rough!! :))    Day 2 at the dealership involved some more negotiations, more waiting and a lot of paper signing. And, I left with my van!!!!!  I was able to pick the kids up from school Thursday in it and completely surprise them! Their faces were priceless. :)

My handsome first chair

Thursday after school was Nathan's concert. The girls had their concerts on Tuesday after school. Everyone had a great time and they all did very well. Jillian had a special part doing a rap section of a song with 5 of her classmates. Chloe played the recorder in addition to singing. Nathan played the trombone and got recognition for being first chair all year long. I hadn't realized that there were monthly competitions where he had to defend his chair position and he won - every month!
The kids were also great about Hubba. During Chloe and Jillian's concert time, Nathan occupied Wyatt outside so that I could camcord their performances as well as just enjoy myself and relax a little. During Nathan's concert, Jillian and Chloe took Wyatt and were incredibly helpful. I felt very blessed to have such good helpers. The concerts made for very long days and the experiences would've been much different without their help. *I took pictures of the girls during their concerts but the pictures were just too far away to be any good, so unfortunately, this is the best one I have...  And here's Jillian watching Wyatt for me.

Standing by her best friend Macie

Such a good helper! And she looks adorable too!

Saturday the whole family volunteered at the Market on the Move at church. One Saturday a month this organization comes to various places around the valley and provides the public with the opportunity to purchase produce -- the offer is two boxes for $10. It turns out to be WAY more veggies than one family can use and so we get the pleasure of serving others, meeting new people, getting cheap veggies and sharing our veggies with our neighbors. This month we got tomatos, zuchinni, eggplant, yellow squash, cucumbers, honeydew melons, green and yellow bell peppers and big spicy New Mexico peppers. Chloe helped break down the empty boxes and Jillian helped me sort through the yellow peppers. A lot of them were moldy and needed to be tossed. The spoiled produced gets donated to local pig farmers and whatever produce isn't purchased is donated to the food bank. Its a great program and gave us an excuse to go somewhere together in the new van!!! :)

After Market on the Move, we visited with one of our friends and then went out to Dennys for a family lunch. Lowell loves to go out to eat. This is his favorite way to spend time together.... Nathan and Chloe loved that they got to eat pancakes for lunch. Jillian had pizza. Then we all worked together on the word finds, the crossword puzzles and the coloring pages on the kids menus. We had quite a wait for our food and even our drinks but we had fun passing the time together.  Well, except for Wyatt. He seemed to get a little bored as evidenced by the fact that he is completely laid back in his high chair. :) He seemed to be perfectly content this way however and watched people go by while drinking his bottle. Such a goof ball.
                             
Sunday we went to church together. It has been awhile since we've been able to go... It seems like someone is almost always sick or we have prior commitments that fall on Sunday. I'm hoping for us all to be healthier so that we can go more often. I love our church and I miss it when we can't go. The kids really love it too, and I think Lowell even likes it a little. :)  
Sunday afternoon we spent time hanging out, lounging around, playing a lot of Mario Kart, laughing, fighting, and cooking veggies. Lowell was a great help being my "dicer" while I made tomato sauce from scratch (first time) and made freezer packets for other meals.  After dark, Nathan and Lowell had a "flashlight session" working on the car together where Lowell did most of the working and Nathan held the flashlight. Nathan loves whatever he's doing so long as he's with his daddy but I'm not sure who enjoyed it more. Lowell had been looking forward to it all day and was still talking about it today.
Monday we did a little more of the same... Lounging, Mario Kart, laughing, fighting... and more cooking. Today we made dinner together - hamburgers, onion rings, veggies, and guacamole. Chloe also dyed her hair for the first time. We got some free wash-out dye from a friend and so she is now a darker shade of brown. It was a subtle change, but she is excited about it. :) Nathan and Lowell worked on the car some more and Nathan even got to drive the Dodge -- ALL BY HIMSELF -- Lowell was in the passenger seat! Nathan did all the shifting completely by himself. That officially makes him a better driver than me. I think there's something wrong with that.                
Some of the neighbor kids came over in the afternoon and the kids played outside, rode their bikes, played with bubbles and, of course, played Mario Kart.   We also made a quick trip into town to pick up my computer from a friend of ours who was fixing it. Because he is a veteran, Chloe made him a "Happy Memorial Day" card. Very sweet.  He put it on his fridge.                                    

Lowell was kind of bummed earlier in the week about not being able to work this Saturday because he is trying to get all the overtime he can... We decided instead to turn this weekend into "Family OT"- spending all the time together that we could. What a great way to celebrate our freedoms - by loving on those closest to us and being thankful for all we have. Happy Memorial Day! 

Spring Fling

The kids recently had a fun filled evening at their annual Spring Fling fund raiser.

The older two volunteered to work their classroom’s booths and Jillian donated three 2 liter bottles of root beer to her class’ efforts. The kids had a great time and were incredibly blessed by Chloe’s teacher. Admission was free but each of the games cost a certain amount of tickets, or like most fairs, you could buy an unlimited wrist band. The bands were $10 each. I didn’t feel comfortable shelling out $30 and then paying additionally for food and the silly string corral. (That was one of the things they were insistent about doing.J)  We checked in with Chloe’s teacher for Chloe’s scheduled volunteer time of 5 o’clock and her teacher said she didn’t really need us; she had her son’s help and thought we should just go enjoy ourselves. And then she handed us three wristbands to use! Holy cow! What a blessing that was! J  The kids got to run amok and enjoy themselves to the fullest. They played on the huge slide, bounced in the bounce house, petted ducks, sheep, pygmy goats, rabbits and chickens in the petting zoo, hung out with friends and won a ton of candy and a lot of completely useless junk. J They enjoyed themselves completely. The girls even took turns participating in the karoke booth. They sang in front of the whole crowd. Chloe sang "Love Story” and Jillian sang “Teardrops on My Guitar”. Both are by Taylor Swift. 

As you can see by these pictures, we also decided that we could do face painting at home before going to the event as a way to save money. I had planned on drawing something fun on each other girls' faces but by the time I made it into the bathroom, they had taken it upon themselves to draw whatever they wanted. Oh well, they were happy and it still met the "saving money" criteria. I think next time, they'll let me do it though. :)

The Spring Fling was only the beginning of a very busy weekend. Over those three days, we did a major yard clean up, we went to McDonalds and played and used the internet, and Wyatt took his first steps! J We went to church and also got a new Wii (as part of the kids’ birthday presents) and, of course, after hooking it up, most of the rest of Sunday was dedicated to playing Wii. Nathan also got money for his birthday from Mamoo that he used to get new tubes for his bike and some cool riding gloves. Additionally, his dad and I got him new handles because the old ones were melt-y. This boy loves to ride his bike. And he really loves to ride with his Daddy. I hope they can get some time to go on rides this summer.

Birthday Party Weekend 5/11-5/13

Another busy weekend at the Trent household!! We had Nathan and Chloe’s birthday party on Saturday. There were only about 25 kids there, less than I was expecting, which turned out to be a very good thing because none of the mothers stayed this time! At Jillian’s party, I had four moms that stayed for the whole party. I guess from first grade to fourth grade there is a big shift, lol. We rented a large slip-and-slide with a pool. At first it was looking like it was going to be a bummer because the slide was too high. The kids couldn’t jump up high enough to actually slide all the way into the pool.. I was starting to panic but the kids improvised and made their own fun. They continued to run and slide half way down the length of the slide and then jump into the pool, or to start running already on the slide, or climb up on the side and jump around, or throw balls at each other while they were sliding, or to just play in the pool itself…. In the end, I had more than one child say, “This is the best party ever!!”. That was encouraging. J

Nathan had a lot more friends attend than Chloe which was a little bit of a bummer but most of the people who came from Nathan’s class were girls ironically enough, so Chloe had lots of people to play with. One of the girls from Nathan’s class who never played with Chloe was Keyani. She’s Nathan’s buddy. He likes her. And it seems like the feeling is mutual. J She did like playing with Wyatt though and I later learned that she has a little brother of her own.

One of the kids’ favorite parts of their birthday actually happened on Friday when we went to Walmart to get the favors. I hate spending money on those little bags of junk and I can’t afford to get nice presents for everyone so I decided to get those bouncy smallish-type beach balls for everyone. They could play with them on the slip-and-slide and then take one home too. Not knowing how many people to expect and wanting to be prepared, I bought all the balls they had – 38 of them. Chloe really enjoyed watching the faces of the people we passed in the store as they wondered what we were doing with two carts heaped full of balls. We played a game getting the balls into the house as well with me throwing one to Nathan, Nathan tossing it to Chloe and Chloe throwing to Jillian. Then we repeated the whole thing a second time, rolling the balls this time, to get them safely into my closet and away from the playful claws of the kittens.

We also worked hard as a family preparing for the party. We cleaned the inside of the house, did some yard work, baked two cakes, prepared the ice cream in the muffin tins, washed out the ice chests, and other various things needed to get ready... They were a great help and I know they had a great time. I was really impressed with the behavior of all the kids -- it was an enjoyable day for all of us. :)

Journey

Recently there was a story in the news about a woman who donated her kidney to her boss only to then be let go from her job. Within just a few days of the story gaining publicity, the woman demanded that her kidney be returned due to his apparent lack of appreciation.
Strange story, but it got me thinking about my view of God. (It sounds like a leap, but hear me out.) I believe that Jesus came to earth, temporarily leaving His throne in heaven, to live as a human and be humiliated and murdered as a completely innocent man for me. And for you. For free. To pay a debt that we cannot pay in order for us to be able to spend eternity with Him. Because that how much He loves us.  A freely given gift.
Even more valuable than a kidney.

At times, I view Christ as if He were this woman who felt like her gift was unappreciated and so demanded its return. I know there are days I am ungrateful for all Christ did (and does) for me. There are moments when I stomp my feet and demand that He give me what I want, when I want it. I act like His sacrifice wasn't enough - I want something different. And, in my flawed view of Him, I imagine that He gets mad and throws His holy hands up in the air and yells - "Fine! You don't like what I gave you, I'm taking it back."

This isn't the character of God. My God is incredibly patient and has promised me that nothing can separate me from His love. No earthly power, nothing that I do or fail to do, and nothing that anyone else does. Nothing. Nada. Zip. He promises me that I will always be His beloved and His child. (Romans 8:38)

So this angry "indian giver" picture I have of God needs to be updated. As you probably know, I've set myself on a journey this year to get a better view of who God is and who I am in Him. I'm having a controlled identity crisis you might say. To this end, I've been reading "Searching For A God To Love" by Chris Blake. One of the passages I read recently talked about the ocean.  He speaks of driving up the California coast and being able to see the ocean at various points along the drive. He is a much better author than I so I will let him tell you.

"Each view is distinctive. Each watery horizon holds a minuscule fraction of the great Pacific. You can't see all of the Pacific from any point, and each site differs from all the other spots along the coast - widely differing from the sixty-four million square miles of open water with an average depth of fourteen thousand feet - but it is the Pacific, nonetheless.
So it is with seeing God. We touch a minuscule fraction of His face; we cannot fathom the fathomless. But it is His face, and the more we follow the contours of His coastline, the more we plumb His deeps, the more we shall know the shape of His cheek, the touch of His fingers, the sound of His voice."

I'm working on getting a picture of God that more closely represents who He is. So far, I've learned that a lot of my thinking about God centers around whether or not I'm making Him "happy" at any given moment. If He's happy with my behavior, for example, He will bless me. If He isn't, ut-oh. I have learned that I don't trust the heart of God. I know the scripture -- "God works all things together for the good of those who love Him". For my good -- that could mean that losing my child or my husband or my leg could be used for my good. And another scripture, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." One part of the Bible describes God as 'One who is able to do more than we can ask or imagine" (Eph. 3:20)... My first thought - Able, sure, but likely to do something good for me, probably not. Or how about the verse where John says Jesus came to give us "life, and life abundantly" (John 10:10). The word used in Greek is perissos, which means “exceeding, going beyond, more than enough.” But this is God's definition of 'enough', not mine.

What it all boils down to, I've realized, is my belief that I know better than God. How humbling that is to say out loud. I believe that I can do a better job running my life than He can. My pride and my selfishness have reached an all time high here people. I am running amok and hurting myself in the process. Time to get a reality check. There is a God. And I'm not Him.

I'm not in control; I wasn't created to be in control. That's not my job. My job is to trust the goodness of Him who holds the world in His hand and to be obedient - to be joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, gentle, and self-controlled. That is what I should be striving for, not becoming the Commander in Chief. Heaven knows I would screw that up in a heartbeat so I should be relieved that weight isn't on my shoulders! :)

Through this journey, I'm seeking to learn more about my Commander so that it becomes easier to trust Him. I don't believe God is scared of or angry about my doubts and my questions; God is infinite and huge and way bigger than me. If I could completely understand Him, what kind of God would He be? If my puny little mind could grasp Him, how fully could I trust Him?

And that's the real issue -- trust. Trust is something that grows as a relationship matures and progresses. I'm learning about Jesus, spending time with Him, talking to Him, listening to what He has to tell me. And checking to see if He is who and what He says He is. Does He really love me? Can I put my future in His hands and know that I'm secure and safe? Will He ever leave me? Intellectually I've had answers to these questions for a long time, but its time my heart caught up. I'm falling in love with my Savior.

Join me?