Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Another personal revelation

So I realized today after some serious personal reflection that I want to be fat. Notice I didn't say that I like being fat - I just want to remain fat. Why on earth, do you ask... Well, because I know me as the fat girl and it is the crutch that I use. I'm not happy with myself and I'm not happy with where I am as an individual - I can blame all of that on me being fat. I can use it to explain my insecurities, my laziness, my less than stellar preformance as a mother, my anxiety, my hesitancy to go after the things that I want in life.... A lot hinges on me being fat. And if I wasn't fat, I wouldn't have that to fall back on. I wouldn't have an excuse... And that terrifies me. So, I really want to be thin - I want to be healthy and attractive. But at the same time, I'm more safe when I'm overweight. Make sense? So I'm working against myself. I so desperately want to lose the weight but I also sabaouge myself in order to keep myself safe. So, in addition to working on exercising more, I need to work on developing my confidence based on things other than my appearance. Time to start working on that...

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