Thursday, January 1, 2009

New Year's Tears

Today is one of those horrible days where I really struggle. I woke up and snuggled in bed for a long time. I was so comfy and relaxed... And then, for some reason, I just begin a downward spiral... I started by being upset when Chloe asked me if I forgot to make a fire. No, I didn't forget, I'm working on it. Then they want to snuggle up with me and I just want some space and yet I can't seem to get away from them. Every time I move over, they snuggle closer. I know that snuggling is supposed to be a wonderful thing, and most of the time it is - but there are times when I just don't want to be touched. I just want to be left alone! And then comes breakfast... I made it and then went back to reading... And then I got covered in kids with breakfast... And my bed was covered in orange juice. My husband is so stressed about work... He just dreads work on his days off and Wednesdays nights he even struggles to decide if he's going to go back on Thursday morning... I hate the pressure that is put on him. I hate knowing that just by being here, on the computer, I'm incurring bills that he has to work to pay for. Every time I go to the grocery store, he has to pay for it. And in order to do that, he has to go to that place that he hates and endure his boss that just beats him up day after day. So today, I'm feeling like a terrible mom - I don't want to deal with my kids today, I just want to be left alone; and I'm a terrible wife - I am part of the reason that Lowell has to go to that place. So, I'm here feeling very sick and dreading the oncoming seizure that I'm feeling is impending... I want to make myself cry to release some tension, but I'm so good at holding in my tears that I can't let them go... I need to put on some sappy movie or something and force myself to cry... So, here's hoping for some tears to start the new year. :)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Praying for you, Rani! ~R~