Thursday, February 17, 2011


It seems that the hurdles never end... I learned yesterday that I missed the deadline for filing my application to the board to take the licensure exam in April. I now have to wait until October.... I have to say that throughout this process, I have really struggled with staying organized and on top of things. I have never felt like I've had all the information that I've needed, but I think that is more because I haven't ever taken the time to really read over the material that I do have. Also, whatever information I got in my classes about the exam and dates and times seemed to slip right through my memory... I hate not having my memory. I struggle with losing my car every time I park it in a parking lot bigger than a gas station. I lose my keys, my phone, my purse, my important papers, my laptop power cord, my medicines..... Everything. I lose things because I can't remember where I put them. So, I get motivated and create a "place" where they go. That's fantastic except then I can't remember where that place is... I forget what I went to the store for, what appointments I have coming up, the names of my doctors, what kind of medication I'm taking.... I forget. I just forget. And its infuriating. And stressful. And I believe that the more stressed I get about it, the worse it becomes. I'm stuck in this cycle and can't seem to find a way out.
Some may want to chalk this up to pregnancy brain, but honestly, I haven't had a memory since the time my seizures really picked up in both frequency and intensity in 2000-2001. The doctor's don't really have anything to say about the matter... Either they don't know what to do about it, or there isn't anything they can do, or they think its all in my head but regardless, something has to be done. I can't live like this any longer!!!! I need my brain back!
So, after this pregnancy, I'm going to actively attack the problem and see what can be done. I say after the baby because I can't take any kind of anxiety or depression meds while I'm pregnant. I get very depressed when I forget things because I feel so stupid and get very down on myself for forgetting. I feel like I should be better or more organized or something! And then I get upset because I'm letting it get to me - Yet another way I'm failing, by letting it bother me... You can see the pattern here. Its a spiral that has no end and no bottom.

This is an issue that doesn't just affect me and that upsets me even more. The issue of me getting my license and getting a better job also affects my husband. He's working crazy hours and not sleeping enough and getting to the point where he feels like his health is being affected by both his crazy hours and stress. So, he's waiting for me to find something so that he can move onto something that works better... And, now because I am where I am - both pregnant and unable to take my test when we had planned - I feel like a failure. I want to be able to help him; I don't want him to put his health on the line... I want him around for a long, long, long time!!! And I definitely want to be able to give back some of what he's given to our family.

As of right now, I'm staying where I am, but I'm still applying every day I can and praying that something comes up. Whatever God has planned... I just hope it comes soon!

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