Monday, October 31, 2011


As those of you know who follow me on Facebook, yesterday I had a seizure. A bad one. The worst I’ve had so far. I was in the shower, Nathan was sitting outside the shower making Wyatt laugh. I felt the initial warning signs and so I sat down on the ledge of the shower so that I could breath and try to fight it off. Apparently, there was no chance of that because I didn’t even have a chance to fight. The next thing I knew, I was waking up. In the bathtub. We have a separate tub and shower. Yeah, let that sink in. Backing up though, I have long tried to focus on what happens in my mind during the “aura” stage of my seizures, hoping that if I can identify what I’m thinking about, it will help to alleviate the seizures. As best as I can tell, I see the same scene almost every time. There is a man talking to me. My best guess is that this man is my 7th grade teacher, Mr. Swanner. Other than this less than positive identification of the man, I can’t remember anything else after the episode has passed. Physically, I feel sick to my stomach, dizzy, hot and uncomfortable. The emotions I experience are much more difficult to nail down.
Most of the time I can stop the seizure if I catch it before the Mr. Swanner stage. Yesterday was not so lucky. From what I’ve been told by Nathan, I fell out of the shower (completely pushing the shower door out of its caulking along the bottom), foamed at the mouth and shook a lot. He said that I was talking too but he couldn’t hear what I was saying. Poor little guy, he was terrified and thought I was having a heart attack. He said he checked to be sure my heart was beating and then ran to call Lowell. I have drilled into their little heads that they don’t need to call 911 when I have a seizure. I know there are those of you who will react negatively to that, but this is my decision. There is nothing they can do at the hospital other than observe me. I don’t have insurance and it is just ridiculously expensive with no positive outcome.
Anyway, apparently while Nathan was calling Daddy, I got up off the floor and turned on the bathtub and then climbed in. Note to readers: our bathtub doesn’t have any hot water. That part of the faucet leaks and we rarely use our tub so we just turned it off… I climbed into a completely cold bath of water. Nathan and Chloe said that I seemed awake because my eyes were open and I was talking. I don’t remember any of this. I “came to” completely clothed in my bed when my ringing phone woke me up. Lowell was calling to check on me. He was at a friend’s house working on a car and had left as soon as Nathan called.
My poor babies…. Nathan kept coming in to check on me and gave me his stuffed eagle to sleep with. It was then that I realized how sore I was. After most seizures, I am physically exhausted and some of my muscles will be sore. Yesterday was slightly different. I had all the normal feelings but my neck and back were really sore. Only after I was able to get up, hours later, and see the shower for myself could I understand why I am so sore. Today I’m even more sore and I’m sure, as the bruises arise, it will get worse before it gets better.
As I posted on Facebook, I decided to try to go off my seizure meds earlier this year. I hate taking them – they make me feel horrible and, if I don’t need them, why add that extra medication to my body?!? So, with Lowell’s support, I weaned myself off them. In the beginning of my journey with doctors in response to these episodes, I was told they were panic attacks. Then I was told they were “syncopes” which are mini-fake-seizures. Then I was tentatively diagnosed with “epilepsy not otherwise specified” because they couldn’t catch a seizure on film. Most of the time I got the feeling that the doctors didn’t believe that I was really having seizures at all. So, I reasoned, if these aren’t really seizures, and because I am still having them occasionally even while on meds, why not stop taking it and see if its really helping after all? So, that’s what I did.
I guess yesterday taught me that I need them. As of today, I'm taking them again. I only have 2 months worth of perscription left so, after the first of the year, I'll have to go to a neurologist again. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there. For now, I'm just going to rest. I went to work half a day today but I was too sore and pooped to finish out the day. Also, Peanut started throwing up at home so I elected to come home and take care of him and me. I'm not sure if I'll be going tomorrow or not. Tonight will tell, I'm sure.


The Northrups said...

Love you!

theKband said...

Oh Rani! Goodness. What a blessing of a family you have. You are loved!