Family Day

Chloe at the zoo on the train

Jillian drinking and watching the animals go by

At the mall after the zoo. We were disappointed to learn the zoo closed early in the summer... Guess its just too hot for the animals so we headed to the air conditioning of the mall and used the excuse to try on some fashions. :)

One of the booths in the niddle of the aisle had a "magic" curling iron that even curled Chloe's impossibly straight hair!! Unfortunately, the iron was $200. We're looking into other options because she REALLY wants her hair to be curly.

Nathan and Lowell are not in these pictures but they were there -- I promise! :) Nathan especially loved the Lego store and Lowell always loves spending time with the family.

1 Year Loved

Birthday Boy! :)

Covered with frosting

I've been absent from my blog for awhile. No specific reason - just a season of busy-ness and disinterest. Because of this, I missed posting about Wyatt's first birthday. Here are some highlights. It was a low-key day. Just a little "cake" (animal crackers with frosting) and handmade presents from the kids. This is him playing with his Giraffe from Mamoo. He loves putting the little balls in the giraffes head and watching them fall out his legs.

The proud siblings

Sharing cake with Daddy

At one year, Wyatt is walking and says quite a few sounds/words. He says "Mama", "Dada", "KeyKey" (kitty), "Sissy" (Chloe), "dis" which is either "this" or "juice" or "yes" and knows who Boogie and NayNay are - he just can't say their names yet. He loves to throw things and has started getting in trouble because he's hit us in the face with things a few times. He still loves water and being outside as well as playing fetch with himself. He is a big eater and has started eating off my plate for meals. He prefers this to his baby food. We recently discovered that he LOVES french fries and corn dogs. (No hater mail - these are normal parts of his diet!) He is also in desperate need of a haircut and has been mistaken for a girl on a few occassions because of how long his curly hair has gotten. I am terrified that if we cut it off, it won't stay curly but we're going to have to do something! And soon! :)
 His 1 year check up was totally normal but he got a lot of shots -- 5 to be exact. He wasn't happy at all but recovered quickly and just had a little fever for the next 48 hours or so.
At 1 year, he also is still completely loved by his siblings. They are very good with him - helping me with him, playing with him, and marvelling with us as he learns and grows. He is becoming more of a challenge to them now that he's mobile but they are still completely smitten with their little brother. He's doing a great job sleeping, taking two naps a day and going to be at 7 at night and sleeping straight through until 5:45 or so in the morning. That may seem early, but I have to get up then anyway when the kids have school. During the summer its a little bit of a bummer but the kids are already up at that time and frequently Nathan or Chloe will come in and get him to give me a few more minutes of sleep.
Some days it still seems unreal that I have 4 children and especially that I have another baby but most days I don't know what I'd do without him. He constantly makes us smile and laugh at his antics. What a blessing he is!

Further Notes on My Journey Toward Christ

In the past months, I’ve gained some ground on dealing with my issues and have felt a reprieve from their negative effects on my life. My family, blessedly, has also experienced the change in me. This recent transformation I have attributed mostly to the fact that I am fed up with the idea of being stuck – of being... possessed almost by demons of fear and guilt and regret and shame and the absolute inability to do anything for fear that it would be wrong. It kept me completely paralyzed and made me into a quivering ball, a quivering lead mass of inertia and anxiety and stress and… 

The catalyst for the change I believe was a conversation with Lowell where he said that he had finally had enough,;where he said it had been 16 years and it was time to move on. That was really an eye opener for me and while not an instantaneous change, it was the impetus that I needed to get on my knees and tell God that I was done too. It had been long enough. And I was ready to move on. 

Week after week at church there would be these songs of freedom, that in Christ we have the ability to live freely because all that has already been taken care of. When God looks at those who believe in Him, at least in terms of redemption and sinfulness, He doesn’t see us – He sees Christ – we are completely spotless. One of the mysteries of God though is that He also sees me – inherently worthy, important and created for a purpose. And therefore, I need to be the person that He created me to be in order to fulfill that purpose or in order to have any hopes of making a meaningful difference or have an impact on the world.

I can’t sit in the corner and be afraid of every creak and groan and pop and noise and expect to change the world, – that’s impossible. I can't live that way and be a good mother or wife.

So when I took the perspective of these thoughts, these feelings, these behavior patterns had “possessed me” – not that I ever believed I was possessed by anything – when I took that approach to it, I could banish them from my mind knowing that they were already conquered by Christ; that there was no reason that I needed to give them any power in my life whatsoever. They were already overcome. The battle had already been fought and I had already been declared victorious so any affect they had on my life what I was giving them – what I was allowing them to.

And that hasn’t meant that I have succeeded every time. But I have succeeded more than I’ve failed – by a long shot. I have been able to stand my ground and begin putting on this persona of someone who is forgiven and loved and worthy.

I have noticed a huge change; Lowell has noticed a huge change and I am thankful. Unbelievably thankful.

As a side note, comically, one of the things that has happened on this journey is that I have been able to become more authentic in my relationship with Christ. I cuss at Him. Not in a disrespectful way that I am trying to belittle him – I guess its not at Him, its to Him. Because there just comes a time where “ow” doesn’t cut it, its more like “holy shit, this f**king hurts like hell”. And I know that not everyone is going to take that path in their walk with Christ but this has become part of my journey. For so long everything was stifled within me for fear that it was wrong. Or bad. Or imperfect. Or unChristian. And I’m letting go of that. They’re words. And they do have potential to do harm but in a safe relationship like what I have with Christ, I’m okay with using them – and I think He is too. That’s not to say that I will always talk to God this way. You know I may process my anger, process my pain and then revert to the way I was before but the ability to just be authentically angry without having to censor myself has been a freeing revelation.

While I have grown in my ability to control these feelings within me, they do still rear their ugly head now and then. Recently, for example, I was visited by Fear… A couple weeks ago my issues got more, well, issue-y and have tried to reassert their hold on both my emotions and my ability to cope. When I am in the throes of fear, anxiety, panic, helplessness and hopelessness it is very difficult to breathe much less to find perspective and calm within the madness.

During this most recent foray into the pressurized hell that accompanies any descent into fear and anxiety, I have been able to mostly keep my head above water. I have been able to keep the forces at bay and to retain much of joy and peace recently reintroduced into my life. That isn’t to say there haven’t been bad times. I have felt so overcome with internal pressure that I thought I would physically explode if I didn’t find some sort of release valve. I have been so enervated that I craved deep sleep from which I would never awake. Blessedly however, these times have been temporary and I have not succumbed completely to them.

I still haven’t found a proper release valve for when the pressure is that bad. I’ve tried some very unhealthy coping strategies that only complicated an already difficult situation. I have acknowledged that exercise is a good option that has proven effective in the past but it is so difficult to motivate myself to exercise when I can barely get myself to the bathroom.

These completely undesirable emotions are not without their silver lining, of course. I have learned empathy in an even greater breadth of experiences – I can now relate personally to even more facets of pain and loss. Of course, during these times I wasn’t thrilled about this revelation. In fact, I think I used all the four letter words I could think of and told God that I was not interested in being introduced to every major source of loss and pain simply to make me a better therapist. I didn’t care enough about being intimately familiarized with pain, loss, betrayal and trauma to go through my more … crappiness. I’ve been through my fair share of crappiness - I told God that I’ve done my time, earned my stripes, and can certainly empathize with people from enough backgrounds at this point.

Once the panic, the fear and the depression lifted my return to "healthy" was much quicker than it has been in the past. I am able to view life with joy and to use patience and mercy in my relationships. I can even treat myself with grace and have great hope for the future. I believe this has been the dawning of a new era. I'm very thankful to God for His devotion to growing me and shaping me, to loving me and also working for my best. And to my husband for standing by me on this journey and loving me through it.

Looking Vs. Feeling

I feel 31 in this picture. I guess that’s not completely true, I don’t feel 31, but I feel like I look 31.  I have gray hairs, wrinkles, and some of my pregnancy mask still. (When is that going to go away?!?! It’s been over a year already people!) Despite the signs of aging, for one of the first times I can see a resemblance between myself and one of my children. I have frequently heard that the kids look a lot like Lowell and I but until now, I’ve been hard pressed to see the similarities. Here I see how our eyes are shaped the same, we both have little button noses, both have somewhat curly hair and then there’s the pudgie little bellies. J

If given the choice I suppose I would rather look 31 than feel it. On the inside I still wonder when I was supposed to have grown up. I feel awkward and unsure, excited and anticipatory, curious and confused: exactly how I felt at 17. And 19. And 22. And now, 31. Outwardly I know I have to act professional and mature and responsible and *gasp* sometimes even sophisticated, but most of the time I’m laughing at this charade that seems so flimsy and transparent. How can I be a grown up when I still inwardly laugh when I ask the kids to “find Hubba’s balls”?

The Price of Freedom

Unbelievably thankful. 

A Week in Review

2011 VW Routan

Hubba in the kids waiting area of VW

We got a minivan!!!! :) I went on a "fact finding" mission to see about trading in our Jetta this week. We have long known that we need to upgrade to a minivan because we simply cannot all fit in the car at the same time with the Jetta. Day 1 at the dealership involved paperwork and talking to a wonderful salesman and test driving one of the pre-owned vans. There were three choices - two white and one slate. I HATE white vehicles and the slate colored one had 4000 less miles, cost $3000 less and wasn't white. The only downfall was that it didn't have the dvd players or the power lift gate. Huh, for $3000 I can buy a few dvd players and open my own trunk. :)

I left the dealership armed with info and ready to pray about our decision. I was able to convince them to hold the deal they had arranged for me for 24 hours to allow us to talk about it, pray about it and play with the finances. (On a side note, I was proud of myself for getting out of the dealership without signing anything! Those kids play rough!! :))    Day 2 at the dealership involved some more negotiations, more waiting and a lot of paper signing. And, I left with my van!!!!!  I was able to pick the kids up from school Thursday in it and completely surprise them! Their faces were priceless. :)

My handsome first chair

Thursday after school was Nathan's concert. The girls had their concerts on Tuesday after school. Everyone had a great time and they all did very well. Jillian had a special part doing a rap section of a song with 5 of her classmates. Chloe played the recorder in addition to singing. Nathan played the trombone and got recognition for being first chair all year long. I hadn't realized that there were monthly competitions where he had to defend his chair position and he won - every month!
The kids were also great about Hubba. During Chloe and Jillian's concert time, Nathan occupied Wyatt outside so that I could camcord their performances as well as just enjoy myself and relax a little. During Nathan's concert, Jillian and Chloe took Wyatt and were incredibly helpful. I felt very blessed to have such good helpers. The concerts made for very long days and the experiences would've been much different without their help. *I took pictures of the girls during their concerts but the pictures were just too far away to be any good, so unfortunately, this is the best one I have...  And here's Jillian watching Wyatt for me.

Standing by her best friend Macie

Such a good helper! And she looks adorable too!

Saturday the whole family volunteered at the Market on the Move at church. One Saturday a month this organization comes to various places around the valley and provides the public with the opportunity to purchase produce -- the offer is two boxes for $10. It turns out to be WAY more veggies than one family can use and so we get the pleasure of serving others, meeting new people, getting cheap veggies and sharing our veggies with our neighbors. This month we got tomatos, zuchinni, eggplant, yellow squash, cucumbers, honeydew melons, green and yellow bell peppers and big spicy New Mexico peppers. Chloe helped break down the empty boxes and Jillian helped me sort through the yellow peppers. A lot of them were moldy and needed to be tossed. The spoiled produced gets donated to local pig farmers and whatever produce isn't purchased is donated to the food bank. Its a great program and gave us an excuse to go somewhere together in the new van!!! :)

After Market on the Move, we visited with one of our friends and then went out to Dennys for a family lunch. Lowell loves to go out to eat. This is his favorite way to spend time together.... Nathan and Chloe loved that they got to eat pancakes for lunch. Jillian had pizza. Then we all worked together on the word finds, the crossword puzzles and the coloring pages on the kids menus. We had quite a wait for our food and even our drinks but we had fun passing the time together.  Well, except for Wyatt. He seemed to get a little bored as evidenced by the fact that he is completely laid back in his high chair. :) He seemed to be perfectly content this way however and watched people go by while drinking his bottle. Such a goof ball.
                             
Sunday we went to church together. It has been awhile since we've been able to go... It seems like someone is almost always sick or we have prior commitments that fall on Sunday. I'm hoping for us all to be healthier so that we can go more often. I love our church and I miss it when we can't go. The kids really love it too, and I think Lowell even likes it a little. :)  
Sunday afternoon we spent time hanging out, lounging around, playing a lot of Mario Kart, laughing, fighting, and cooking veggies. Lowell was a great help being my "dicer" while I made tomato sauce from scratch (first time) and made freezer packets for other meals.  After dark, Nathan and Lowell had a "flashlight session" working on the car together where Lowell did most of the working and Nathan held the flashlight. Nathan loves whatever he's doing so long as he's with his daddy but I'm not sure who enjoyed it more. Lowell had been looking forward to it all day and was still talking about it today.
Monday we did a little more of the same... Lounging, Mario Kart, laughing, fighting... and more cooking. Today we made dinner together - hamburgers, onion rings, veggies, and guacamole. Chloe also dyed her hair for the first time. We got some free wash-out dye from a friend and so she is now a darker shade of brown. It was a subtle change, but she is excited about it. :) Nathan and Lowell worked on the car some more and Nathan even got to drive the Dodge -- ALL BY HIMSELF -- Lowell was in the passenger seat! Nathan did all the shifting completely by himself. That officially makes him a better driver than me. I think there's something wrong with that.                
Some of the neighbor kids came over in the afternoon and the kids played outside, rode their bikes, played with bubbles and, of course, played Mario Kart.   We also made a quick trip into town to pick up my computer from a friend of ours who was fixing it. Because he is a veteran, Chloe made him a "Happy Memorial Day" card. Very sweet.  He put it on his fridge.                                    

Lowell was kind of bummed earlier in the week about not being able to work this Saturday because he is trying to get all the overtime he can... We decided instead to turn this weekend into "Family OT"- spending all the time together that we could. What a great way to celebrate our freedoms - by loving on those closest to us and being thankful for all we have. Happy Memorial Day! 

Spring Fling

The kids recently had a fun filled evening at their annual Spring Fling fund raiser.

The older two volunteered to work their classroom’s booths and Jillian donated three 2 liter bottles of root beer to her class’ efforts. The kids had a great time and were incredibly blessed by Chloe’s teacher. Admission was free but each of the games cost a certain amount of tickets, or like most fairs, you could buy an unlimited wrist band. The bands were $10 each. I didn’t feel comfortable shelling out $30 and then paying additionally for food and the silly string corral. (That was one of the things they were insistent about doing.J)  We checked in with Chloe’s teacher for Chloe’s scheduled volunteer time of 5 o’clock and her teacher said she didn’t really need us; she had her son’s help and thought we should just go enjoy ourselves. And then she handed us three wristbands to use! Holy cow! What a blessing that was! J  The kids got to run amok and enjoy themselves to the fullest. They played on the huge slide, bounced in the bounce house, petted ducks, sheep, pygmy goats, rabbits and chickens in the petting zoo, hung out with friends and won a ton of candy and a lot of completely useless junk. J They enjoyed themselves completely. The girls even took turns participating in the karoke booth. They sang in front of the whole crowd. Chloe sang "Love Story” and Jillian sang “Teardrops on My Guitar”. Both are by Taylor Swift. 

As you can see by these pictures, we also decided that we could do face painting at home before going to the event as a way to save money. I had planned on drawing something fun on each other girls' faces but by the time I made it into the bathroom, they had taken it upon themselves to draw whatever they wanted. Oh well, they were happy and it still met the "saving money" criteria. I think next time, they'll let me do it though. :)

The Spring Fling was only the beginning of a very busy weekend. Over those three days, we did a major yard clean up, we went to McDonalds and played and used the internet, and Wyatt took his first steps! J We went to church and also got a new Wii (as part of the kids’ birthday presents) and, of course, after hooking it up, most of the rest of Sunday was dedicated to playing Wii. Nathan also got money for his birthday from Mamoo that he used to get new tubes for his bike and some cool riding gloves. Additionally, his dad and I got him new handles because the old ones were melt-y. This boy loves to ride his bike. And he really loves to ride with his Daddy. I hope they can get some time to go on rides this summer.

Birthday Party Weekend 5/11-5/13

Another busy weekend at the Trent household!! We had Nathan and Chloe’s birthday party on Saturday. There were only about 25 kids there, less than I was expecting, which turned out to be a very good thing because none of the mothers stayed this time! At Jillian’s party, I had four moms that stayed for the whole party. I guess from first grade to fourth grade there is a big shift, lol. We rented a large slip-and-slide with a pool. At first it was looking like it was going to be a bummer because the slide was too high. The kids couldn’t jump up high enough to actually slide all the way into the pool.. I was starting to panic but the kids improvised and made their own fun. They continued to run and slide half way down the length of the slide and then jump into the pool, or to start running already on the slide, or climb up on the side and jump around, or throw balls at each other while they were sliding, or to just play in the pool itself…. In the end, I had more than one child say, “This is the best party ever!!”. That was encouraging. J

Nathan had a lot more friends attend than Chloe which was a little bit of a bummer but most of the people who came from Nathan’s class were girls ironically enough, so Chloe had lots of people to play with. One of the girls from Nathan’s class who never played with Chloe was Keyani. She’s Nathan’s buddy. He likes her. And it seems like the feeling is mutual. J She did like playing with Wyatt though and I later learned that she has a little brother of her own.

One of the kids’ favorite parts of their birthday actually happened on Friday when we went to Walmart to get the favors. I hate spending money on those little bags of junk and I can’t afford to get nice presents for everyone so I decided to get those bouncy smallish-type beach balls for everyone. They could play with them on the slip-and-slide and then take one home too. Not knowing how many people to expect and wanting to be prepared, I bought all the balls they had – 38 of them. Chloe really enjoyed watching the faces of the people we passed in the store as they wondered what we were doing with two carts heaped full of balls. We played a game getting the balls into the house as well with me throwing one to Nathan, Nathan tossing it to Chloe and Chloe throwing to Jillian. Then we repeated the whole thing a second time, rolling the balls this time, to get them safely into my closet and away from the playful claws of the kittens.

We also worked hard as a family preparing for the party. We cleaned the inside of the house, did some yard work, baked two cakes, prepared the ice cream in the muffin tins, washed out the ice chests, and other various things needed to get ready... They were a great help and I know they had a great time. I was really impressed with the behavior of all the kids -- it was an enjoyable day for all of us. :)

Journey

Recently there was a story in the news about a woman who donated her kidney to her boss only to then be let go from her job. Within just a few days of the story gaining publicity, the woman demanded that her kidney be returned due to his apparent lack of appreciation.
Strange story, but it got me thinking about my view of God. (It sounds like a leap, but hear me out.) I believe that Jesus came to earth, temporarily leaving His throne in heaven, to live as a human and be humiliated and murdered as a completely innocent man for me. And for you. For free. To pay a debt that we cannot pay in order for us to be able to spend eternity with Him. Because that how much He loves us.  A freely given gift.
Even more valuable than a kidney.

At times, I view Christ as if He were this woman who felt like her gift was unappreciated and so demanded its return. I know there are days I am ungrateful for all Christ did (and does) for me. There are moments when I stomp my feet and demand that He give me what I want, when I want it. I act like His sacrifice wasn't enough - I want something different. And, in my flawed view of Him, I imagine that He gets mad and throws His holy hands up in the air and yells - "Fine! You don't like what I gave you, I'm taking it back."

This isn't the character of God. My God is incredibly patient and has promised me that nothing can separate me from His love. No earthly power, nothing that I do or fail to do, and nothing that anyone else does. Nothing. Nada. Zip. He promises me that I will always be His beloved and His child. (Romans 8:38)

So this angry "indian giver" picture I have of God needs to be updated. As you probably know, I've set myself on a journey this year to get a better view of who God is and who I am in Him. I'm having a controlled identity crisis you might say. To this end, I've been reading "Searching For A God To Love" by Chris Blake. One of the passages I read recently talked about the ocean.  He speaks of driving up the California coast and being able to see the ocean at various points along the drive. He is a much better author than I so I will let him tell you.

"Each view is distinctive. Each watery horizon holds a minuscule fraction of the great Pacific. You can't see all of the Pacific from any point, and each site differs from all the other spots along the coast - widely differing from the sixty-four million square miles of open water with an average depth of fourteen thousand feet - but it is the Pacific, nonetheless.
So it is with seeing God. We touch a minuscule fraction of His face; we cannot fathom the fathomless. But it is His face, and the more we follow the contours of His coastline, the more we plumb His deeps, the more we shall know the shape of His cheek, the touch of His fingers, the sound of His voice."

I'm working on getting a picture of God that more closely represents who He is. So far, I've learned that a lot of my thinking about God centers around whether or not I'm making Him "happy" at any given moment. If He's happy with my behavior, for example, He will bless me. If He isn't, ut-oh. I have learned that I don't trust the heart of God. I know the scripture -- "God works all things together for the good of those who love Him". For my good -- that could mean that losing my child or my husband or my leg could be used for my good. And another scripture, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." One part of the Bible describes God as 'One who is able to do more than we can ask or imagine" (Eph. 3:20)... My first thought - Able, sure, but likely to do something good for me, probably not. Or how about the verse where John says Jesus came to give us "life, and life abundantly" (John 10:10). The word used in Greek is perissos, which means “exceeding, going beyond, more than enough.” But this is God's definition of 'enough', not mine.

What it all boils down to, I've realized, is my belief that I know better than God. How humbling that is to say out loud. I believe that I can do a better job running my life than He can. My pride and my selfishness have reached an all time high here people. I am running amok and hurting myself in the process. Time to get a reality check. There is a God. And I'm not Him.

I'm not in control; I wasn't created to be in control. That's not my job. My job is to trust the goodness of Him who holds the world in His hand and to be obedient - to be joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, gentle, and self-controlled. That is what I should be striving for, not becoming the Commander in Chief. Heaven knows I would screw that up in a heartbeat so I should be relieved that weight isn't on my shoulders! :)

Through this journey, I'm seeking to learn more about my Commander so that it becomes easier to trust Him. I don't believe God is scared of or angry about my doubts and my questions; God is infinite and huge and way bigger than me. If I could completely understand Him, what kind of God would He be? If my puny little mind could grasp Him, how fully could I trust Him?

And that's the real issue -- trust. Trust is something that grows as a relationship matures and progresses. I'm learning about Jesus, spending time with Him, talking to Him, listening to what He has to tell me. And checking to see if He is who and what He says He is. Does He really love me? Can I put my future in His hands and know that I'm secure and safe? Will He ever leave me? Intellectually I've had answers to these questions for a long time, but its time my heart caught up. I'm falling in love with my Savior.

Join me?

Top 40

Recently Time magazine published their annual 100 Most Influential People of the Year list. Most of the people I had never even heard of. I’m not sure if that’s indicative of a general trend of ignorance among my contemporaries or if I am simply  burying my head in my family life and ignoring the major players of our age... Nevertheless, the article got me thinking… Who would qualify for the most influential people in my life?

So, I created a list -- In no particular order, these are my top 40. I am not going to expound on these people in this post, explaining their influence on my life, but I encourage you to think back and maybe take this opportunity to write a letter or make a phone call simply letting someone know that they made a difference in your life. Their time, their love, their support... There are a few people here that I am going to send letters to because I will forever be a better person simply for having known them. And who wouldn't want to receive that kind of letter!?! :)

I must place one caveat on my list: Not all of these people have influenced my life for the better - or at least for the "happier" or the "easier"; I believe that God works all thing together to accomplish His purpose of making me more like Christ but, given the choice, I would likely have ommited certain interactions or circumstances. That being said, I am who I am today because of all these people - good or bad, they have influenced my life.

Top 40 Most Influential People in My Life Thus Far:
Family: Lowell Trent; Mamie; my mom; Grammie; my dad;  Ashley Wood; AJ Woden; Pat Jay; George Jay
Friends: Megan VanBuskirk and Jessica Mustill; Michelle (Parker) Smither; Sarah (Fleming) Jack; Jennie Jackson; Robin, Shannon and Trudy; Sam Smith; Matt George; Franz Bodenmuller; Susan McCarthy; Britany (Nytes) Allred; Abby (Pahl) Sherman; Deb Fahey;  Dean Koontz (well, kind of friend); Carrie Lovett
Church: Tim Johnson; Dr. Maxie Bruchs; Greg Rohlinger;
Teachers: Mr. and Mrs. Nelson; Mr. Randall; Ellen RoyDay; Kathy Warring; Mrs Cosgrove; Vivian Byrnes; Dr. Baron and Dr. Donahue; Gail Johnson
                                                                                                 and more so than anyone – Jesus Christ.

Perspective

"Can we remind each other that it is our uniqueness and love that our children long for? It is our voices. Our smiles. Our jiggly tummies. Of course we want to learn, improve, exercise, cook better, make our homes lovelier, and provide beautiful experiences for our children, but at the end of the day, our children don’t want a discouraged, stressed-out mom who is wishing she were someone else."

– April Perry           http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/ 

Working on being kind to myself today. Seeking a balance between humility and feeling worthy. Understanding that I am precious and special and important, just as I am flawed and imperfect. Desiring a clear view of my identity. I'm working on it. Getting closer. :)

Wyatt

Completely in love with this picture. 10 months. Beloved.

Britany!!!!!!!!

This weekend I was blessed to be able to spend some time with a dear friend. Britany and her family were in Arizona for a week and invited my little clan over for a BarBQue and swimming. Her sister, Stephanie and her two daughters were there -- the last time I saw Steph was when Brit and I were in college... I also got to catch up with Britany's mom and grandma. They are dear, special women. Unfortunately Brit's dad was feeling sick so he stayed in the bedroom so as to not share his germs. This was appreciated, but sad that we couldn't visit!

The kids swam even though the water was cold - even Wyatt spent a little time in the water. Brit and I helped prepare the food, lounged by the pool and caught up. Like Britany said, ours is not a friendship that requires a lot of maintenance... It seems that, even if we go a year without talking, (we stay up on each other's lives via blog) we can still get together and feel comfortable with each other. In her I've found a kindred spirit... She is someone I can be transparent with, someone I respect and go to for advice and encouragement; I admire her and think she's altogether fabulous...

A few months ago, my friend Sarah stayed at our house for a few days.. I don't call Sarah "Sarah". She is "Moron". (Don't ask, neither of us remember why we started calling each other Moron. We've been doing it for years.) Anyway, my kids thought it was very amusing that their mom was calling Auntie RaRa "Moron" and being called "Moron" in return. Britany and I have a very similar situation -- we call each other "Marie". Actually, its MRE. Again, my kids were confused why I had a different name and why I was calling Ms Britany, MRE... This story I remember. Well, kind of.

For some reason in college one day we started talking about silly songs and shared a couple of the ones we knew... "Eddie-Cootchie-Catchie-Coma-Tosa-Neara-Tosa-Noka-Samma-Camma-Wacky-Brown fell into a well, fell into a well, fell into a deep dark well." That was one of the them and the source of the "E" in our name. The other two names began with M and R, thus - MRE. But I don't remember the other two songs...

MRE, do you??

Silly things you do in college... But they are precious memories I share with a precious woman of God who I am soooo thankful to call a friend.

And if she ever tells you she can't spell her name with her butt --- don't believe her! I've seen it! :)

Field Trip to the Fair

Nathan as First Chair playing trombone for the Maricopa County Fair

A shark exhibit -- This tied with the snakes  for Nathan's favorite thing at the fair 

Getting ready to preform

Proud Mama

My babies make me proud to be their mama. Examples:

 Because Lowell has been working first shift for his training, I have had to send the kids to a series of babysitters. On Friday the kids don’t have school, so someone has to watch all 4 of the kids. Last week they were with my friend Lauren. She has three children of her own including a 14 month old. When I picked them up she confessed that she had been a little concerned about watching 7 kids, including two toddlers, but she was pleasantly surprised. She said it wasn’t stressful at all, that the kids played so well and they helped a lot with Wyatt so there was no problem at all.

We have a rule when we’re at the playground in McDonalds. When there are toddlers in the toddler area, the big kids skedaddle. I am always so proud of them.  A lot of the time they will see the smaller kids and head over to the slide themselves but the times I have to remind them sound something like this, “Minions!” (That’s what I call them.)   They all stop what they’re doing and look at me. “There’s little ones in there.” Immediately, I mean i-m-m-e-d-i-a-t-e-l-y, all three of them head straight to the big kid area. There’s no whining, no complaining, no hesitation. They make me so proud.

 Completely her own idea, Jillian has taken it upon herself to write messages on her lunch bags. On Sunday’s we make lunches for the week and then put them in a bin for the kids to grab in the mornings. Usually they just write their names on the bags but recently Jillian has taken to writing “God Bless …” and then putting in the name of one of her classmates and her teachers. For example, today’s was “God Bless Karina”. Tomorrow is her kindergarten teacher – “God Bless Mr. Piper”.

During Saturday clean up last weekend, Nathan found $.13 on the floor. I wasn’t watching what he was doing so he could have easily taken the money but instead, he turned it in. The money was his sister’s but because of his honesty, I have him $.13 of his own. This also gave us a chance to talk about the price of integrity.     

 A couple nights ago, I went in to take a shower and then Lowell and I spent some time catching up on our schedule for the coming week, Wyatt’s doctor’s appointment, school, jobs, etc. While we were busy, they decided to go outside and play in the field, newly full of irrigation water. They are not supposed to do this because its reclaimed water. When I came out to check on them and get them ready for bed, they were solemn faced and “wanted to talk to me”. They confessed that they had played in the water extensively before remembering it was forbidden. And Nathan added that he had fallen in the water quite a few times and, since he knew he would have to anyway, he took a shower before being asked. (Remember, we don’t have hot water, so this was a completely cold water shower. In the past, Nathan has expressed extreme dislike for this process.) The kids were contrite, feeling guilty and, apparently scared of my discipline. I was so proud of their integrity, their honesty even when they knew they were going to get in trouble and their obedience that I commended them on their choice to talk to me and didn’t punish them a bit. I even went in and told Lowell about it – his response, “We have such good kids”. J  Yes we do, and they have a proud mama. :)

*Pictures are from the Easter party downtown