Monday, November 1, 2010


I'm stuck. I don't know what I want. I love Arizona's weather... Until Christmas time. Then I want snow and cold and well, Christmas weather. It is absurd to me that they sell fake snowmen in the stores and that people actually put them in their yards next to the cacti!!! How does that even make sense?!?! Anyway, I've been feeling kind of homesick lately.
Home is full of family and friends.. Home is where you can't go to the supermarket without seeing someone you know. Home is warm summers and cold winters. Home is full of memories of my childhood and the beginning of my relationship with Lowell...
Where is home for us as a family? What qualities are needed before a place can be home? And what can we live without? We've been in Az for 18 months and it doesn't feel like home. We still refer to Cali as home - Lowell and I do, and so do the kids. They have talked about going back home to see their friends and they've talked about missing family there. Lowell misses his network of friends as well as the scenery and the seasons. I miss having a real Christmas. And going to grocery store and seeing at least 2 people that I know. And driving by all familiar sights. And knowing that I have memories attached to places and people. I don't miss the stress associated with having the family there however. It amazes me how much less stressed I've felt being here. Distance is good for some relationships!
On the other hand, there are family members who we haven't seen in almost 2 years, and if we stay here for my internship, it will be at least another 2 years before we move back there. The kids will be 11, 10 and 8... Will they want to leave all their friends here to move back?? And, maybe by then, this will be home...
So many unknowns.
I honestly think I would feel a lot more comfortable here if I had some friends. It sounds pathetic to say that I don't have friends, but honestly, I just don't have the time!!!! I have work, school, church... And I'm definitely meeting people at these places but I'm not in one place long enough to create relationships that transcend their point of origin. I wish I had a couple girls I could call and talk to or share with or laugh with...
Maybe after I finish my classes and I'm only working one job.

Home (california) is also where stress lives. There are family members there that create lots of stress in my life. Some memories that are triggered are less than fantastic. Some are downright excruciating.
Phoenix doesn't have those because we don't have much of a history here. Grand Canyon is full of happy memories -- my bottom east girls!! Those are some of my favorite memories of all time... But there are no roots here to grab onto when the wind begins to blow and times are tough.
But I guess that's how it is with family... Good and bad.
There's no way to avoid stress or negative memories and I just don't feel ready to put myself smack dab in the middle of them again. And yet, I want to go home. Maybe the answer lies in time.. We'll definitely be staying in AZ until I finish school. Maybe by then, I will have dealt with all the memories and the shame and fear that is linked to some of the people and places and I'll be able to go home without the added stress. Or possibly, by then our roots will have begun to grow here.

I am so thankful for the rock solid stability of my husband. It seems like, just by virtue of who he is, he's able to stand firm in the midst of life's tornados. Circumstances that would have left me both uprooted and, well, not in kansas anymore. Regardless of what our address says, I know my home is with him. And I'm very thankful for that.
I recently had a co-worker ask me how I've managed to stay with the same person from age 15 to almost 30... She made the point that, as people, we change so much during those very developmental years and how was it that we both ended up headed in the same direction. My answer was that although Lowell and I have definitely changed over the years, we've simply made it a priority to support each other, to make decisions together and to put our relationship above our individual desires and dreams. And honestly, I feel like I've accomplished more of my dreams with him than I ever would've without him. And I think he would say the same thing. We build each other up and believe that the other is capable of great things.
Whether in Arizona or California or Tibet, I'm so thankful that my home is filled with love and support.

1 comment:

Stony and Brit said...

You make me cry, both happy and sad tears. I can't post all my thoughts because it would be way too many. So we will leave it at: you make me cry, I'm thankful for you that you have Lowell, and I will be praying for your home.