Learning from My Children

I started thinking about trust today because of my kids. Chloe actually started the train of thought. We were at the park this morning taking a leisurely walk because the temperatures were actually in the low 100s when Chloe ran past me with a suggestion for Jillian. "Close your eyes and run a little bit and shake your head like this. Its fun!" She was running in the field, eyes completely closed, shaking her head back and forth. I was in awe. There are times when the kids want to surprise me and ask me to close my eyes as they lead me to their room, or to another part of the house... And I have a very difficult time trusting them to lead me when I can't see. The field Chloe was running through has trees, light poles, a hill, holes in the ground... All potential hazards, but she was carefree enough to close her eyes and run. Not walk, run. And not just that - she was shaking her head back and forth completely enjoying the ride.

Trust is not something that comes easy for me. It took a long time for me to develop trust in Lowell and even now, I still have moments where I have to stop myself from worrying and remind myself that its okay to let go of my fear. I even question God at times. There are situations where I find myself or my family where I look around and wonder if He really does have it all under control. Or I hear direction from Him that freaks me out and makes me question if His wisdom really is infallible or if His way is really the best way to live life. Walking on faith takes a lot of trust and sometimes causes a lot of sleepless nights.

I love that my kids haven't grown up having to question the people in their lives. They have been surrounded by people who make promises and then keep them. We mean what we say. I know that time will teach them that they can't rely on everyone and that there are people in the world who will misuse their trust, but I'm hopeful that by having our family be a place of reliability, they won't struggle with the same issues that I do.

God never gives us a reason to question Him, but that doesn't mean that trust comes easily. Faith is something that grows as we trust God and then see that He is faithful. The problem comes in learning that I don't know better than God. There is always a sense of ego that gets in my way. I think I can do a better job managing my life that He can. The same problem shows up in my relationship with Lowell because I am supposed to submit to his decisions and, sometimes, I question them and do my own thing instead. I think I'm learning slowly. At least I hope I'm learning. Pride, ego, fear... All difficult things to get under control. Its a good thing I know Philippians 4:13 -- I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

My Prayer

Our Father in heaven, may Your name be made holy. May Your kingdom be established in my life so that Your will is done – just like in heaven. Lord, give me what I need for today – the patience, strength, wisdom, peace and love that I need - just for today. Tomorrow will care for itself. And let yesterday rest in Your grace –forgiven and at peace. Forgive me for the thousands of sins I commit and remind me Lord that the sins of others are no worse than mine. Give me humility and a heart of forgiveness. Give me strength to flee temptation and wisdom to avoid sin. Lord, create in me a heart of joy and love for my husband, my children and the life You’ve given me. Thank you Father, for Your blessings are many. Lord, let You be enough for me. Create contentment in me, Lord and help me be forgiving of myself as well.

This is a prayer that I found amongst some papers. I've been going though all my boxes and getting rid of things that I haven't looked at in at least two years. I found all the cards and letters that Lowell and I have given to each other as well as the cards and letters from my mother. That was definitely emotional and I could only read one or two of them...

I don't know when I wrote this prayer, but it is certainly appropriate today. All but the last sentence since I'm learning that I can't forgive myself; I can only accept forgiveness and let go of the guilt.

Sad News

September 10th
It looks like we’re having a séance in my living room. There are candles lit all over. My kids are waving their hands over the flames, watching them move. I have no idea why I’m letting my children play with fire. I think it has something to do with the fact that I’m completely emotionally exhausted. I told the kids about my mom today. She has stage four cancer that has taken over. It has attacked her liver, kidneys, stomach, bladder, colon, and ovaries. She has just been hospitalized due to kidney failure and is refusing dialysis. According to those who have spoken to her, even though she isn’t expected to ever leave the hospital, she is in good spirits.


The kids took it a lot harder than I expected them to; Jillian and Chloe actually cried. I explained to them that we wouldn’t be able to see my mom because we can’t afford to travel to California right now and that I can’t call her because her hospital room doesn’t have a phone. However, when she had her cell phone, she wouldn’t answer my calls anyway so I suppose the lack of phone is a moot point. I was discussing my situation with my friends on Facebook and got some excellent advice from a childhood friend - Amanda. She suggested that I write my mom a letter so that, even though I won’t be able to say goodbye in person, I will at least be able to say the things that are on my mind and heart. And that way, at least I’ll know that I made every attempt to create the harmony and peace that I’m longing for. I wrote the letter and mailed it yesterday. I included some recent pictures of the kids and one of Wyatt so that she can see him before…

I’m not sure how to feel now. There are moments where I break down and cry, especially when the kids (very innocently of course) bring up all the thoughts that I’m trying to avoid. They have a ton of questions – why didn’t my mom love me when I was a kid; why can’t we go see her; when they have kids, will I be part of their lives; how do I feel about losing my mom… At least after I talked to them, they were able to understand why I’ve had such a short attention span lately and why I’ve been disappearing to hide with Lowell for the past few days.

Speaking of Lowell, we talked more about how I was feeling and how he didn’t understand my pain. He decided that, understood or not, the pain is real and so he’s just going to support me through it. And he has. Honey, thank you for letting my cry, for giving me permission to hurt when it doesn’t seem rational and for doing everything you can to let me get to California. I love you and all that you do for us. I love how hard you work for our family… And how hard you work to help me be the kind of mother that I want to be. And to accept myself for being an imperfect mother – but a good one nonetheless.

I wish I could go to California to see my mom again but I accept that we can’t do that right now. I’ve loved my mom forever regardless of the status of our relationship. And I will continue to love her. I’ve come to accept, or at least begin to accept, that there isn’t a single major act that I can do that will fill all the holes, right all the wrongs and solve all of our problems. There isn’t anything I can do to keep my mother from dying and nothing that can ease her pain or mine. So, I wrote a letter and I’ve left the rest in God’s hands. This has given me some peace. I continue to cry and I still hurt, and I don’t imagine that will lessen soon; it will probably get worse when I actually feel the loss... For now, I’m dealing with my pain and sharing it with my little family. And they are wonderful.

Tonight, I broke down and needed a minute to myself. Well, that lasted all of 30 seconds. Chloe came into the bedroom to bring me my Bible. That I totally appreciated. Then she gave me a piece of paper where she had written, “Mom: I love you. Mom’s mom: I love you too.” It was a simple little gesture, but showed that she understood my pain… so sweet and so mature for an 8 year old. Bless her heart, she couldn’t leave me alone; she got her own Bible and laid next to me. Next came Jillian who also had a note for me saying that she was sorry that I was sad and that she wished I could be happy. I spent some time snugging on them and then Nathan came in. Nathan wanted me to come watch a commercial on tv for a new and improved light saber. There’s no rest for the weary. I reminded myself that I am so blessed to have three children who want to spend time with me and who love me enough to try to help me through my pain. Family is God’s greatest gift after salvation. I am devastated that I’m losing the chance to have the relationship with my mom that I’ve always dreamed of, but I am increasingly thankful for the time I have with my own children. None of us is promised tomorrow and I don’t want to waste any of my days…

Buckeye Pool

Today was our last trip to the pool. Sad, for sure, but we all had a good time. :)

This is my new favorite picture of Wyatt. Its horrible quality because I took it with my phone, but his expression is priceless!!!! :) He loved being in the water again, he kicked his little feet and just floated around taking it all in. He ate and napped in his little chair and then swam again. It was great.

The kids love seeing him in the water and love telling everyone that he's "our baby". I am very thankful for how much they love him. I can only hope and pray that they will continue to love him as he grows. I think they'll really appreciate when he can talk and laugh and interact with them, but I'm pretty sure he will drive them nuts when he's mobile and destructive. :)

Such a handsome little man.

Dreaming of Being Mobile

Wyatt loves the backpack. I should emphasize that: Wyatt LOVES the backpack. I've been doing a lot of housework and purging while wearing his 10 pound body. :) This provides both exercise for me and entertainment for him. I think we're going to have to invest in an exersaucer very soon because he is completely done with the idea of being flat on his back. :)

He is very good at holding up his head now and can push himself up alittle when he's laying on his stomach. He talks a lot and also smiles when we talk to him. He seems to really enjoy the water; he's even taken a few showers with me and doesn't seem to mind the cascades of water at all. He seemed to LOVE when we went to the pool a couple weeks ago. He floated happily and let me enjoy the pool while the bigger kids went down the slide and off the diving board. He's such a good baby. :) I am very blessed.

Trombones and “’Me”

Nathan is in 4th grade. One of the requirements of 4-8th graders is that they participate in band so Tuesday night we went to an instrument rental night at the school. The students had an opportunity to play around with some of the instruments a few days before so they had an idea of what they wanted to play for the year. Nathan chose, you guessed it, the Trombone. It is nearly as tall as he is and I was really surprised at his choice. He’s the only one in his class that chose the trombone but he seems thrilled about it. We are renting it for now, but we have the option of purchasing it or another instrument when he decides what he wants to play long term. Early Wednesday morning – really early, like 5:30am, Nathan woke me up because he wanted to practice. I told him it was way too early to play in the house, but he could go outside and play it. When I was fully conscious about an hour later, I realized that the neighbors probably didn’t like being serenaded by a novice trombone-ist before the roosters crowed. :) Oops.

Jillian’s homework for this week was to create a model of herself. She started with a generic cardstock figure. She used brown yarn for the hair and then tied cute little yellow ribbons for pigtails.Yellow is her new favorite color. True to her actual fashion sense, she made a pink tank top, butterfly patterned skirt and blue boots all out of fabric that I had in my scrapbooking stash. She drew on an adorable face and was very proud of her creation.
And especially proud of herself for doing it with minimal help from Mom.

August 2011

I know its been awhile since I’ve done a “day in the life of the Trent family” post, so here’s one. :) This was last week, the kids were pretty bored and so they decided to get creative. It started with Nathan wanting to draw something on his face so that he could look like a Star Wars character. (I have no idea which one.) When I saw the kids again, their faces were completely covered in marker. Nathan even drew himself a six pack on his stomach. Next in the line-up of boredom-busters was a circus put on by Jillian who was a clown. Her act ended by her holding up her shirt to show that she had written “Kick Me” on her stomach. Quite entertaining.

The dresser that I have been using for Wyatt’s clothes broke recently so while the kids were creating their masterpieces, I was going through his clothes organizing, sorting and purging. When the girls realized that the little tiny clothes were going to the thrift store, they busted out with their stuffed animals to see if any of Wyatt’s clothes would work for their “babies”.

Nathan spent some of the afternoon playing his new favorite game on the internet but then decided to set up a battle in his room. The purpose of the string? I have no idea, but he had various Star Wars characters hanging from it. I'm not sure if the string was to emulate bullet trajectories or to mimic some building infastructure that was used in the seige. Crazy little boy imaginations. :)

This scene is the site of a wrestling match between all three kids. They used all the pillows in the house so that no one would get hurt. Pretty smart. This is Jillian's room which had remained surprisingly clean for two days, I was very impressed that when they needed space, Jillian's room was the cleanest. :) I was also impressed at how well they played together. I love those moments of peace. Even when they come in the middle of a wrestling match.

The youngest and the oldest boy in the family both spent a lot of time sleeping. Wyatt was recovering from a cold, and Lowell was recovering from, well, life. That boy never sleeps enough.

This is my creation for dinner. I totally made it up as I went along. Chicken breasts, frozen broccoli and cheese, rice, cream of chicken and chicken broth and chunky salsa. I was AWESOME! Yay, me!

This is the rest of my day – devotional time, reading a new book from the library, ripping songs from CDs to my computer in an effort to downsize more stuff, a little TV (I’m newly obsessed with Bones -- Totally love it!!!) taking care of the baby, and cleaning.

All in all, a fun, productive, fairly normal and memorable day. :)

First Day Of School

Jillian - 1st grade
Chloe - 3rd grade
Nathan - 4th grade

And Wyatt. :)

Mom

I recently found out that my mom has cancer. It’s quite advanced and has spread to multiple parts of her body. When she called me (the first time I’ve talked to her in over three years) I was in shock both because of the fact that she was calling but also because of the subject matter. Apparently, she didn’t want to tell me – she wanted another family member to do it. She had told other members of our family about two weeks before I found out and, from what I understand, she only told me herself because my grandmas pressured her to. I suppose how I found out is beside the point now.

The reality is, she’s dying. I don’t know how much time she has left exactly. She was supposed to go to the doctor to get a better idea of her treatment options last week and then call me. She didn’t call, but I guess she spoke with another family member because she is now supposed to be coming back to California to stay with her mom. From what I understand, she didn’t get any information from the doctor.

Lowell is a little confused by the strength of my emotion since learning the news. He says that my life won’t change at all if my mom dies because in all reality, I’ve never had a mom. I don’t really have a relationship with her to lose. That is very true. My life in the day to day moments won’t change if I lose my mother, but a very large part of my fantasy life will die. The problem is that I’ve never given up hope that I would someday have a relationship with my mom; that someday she would come into my life and begin to fill all those places that were left void and hurting. I’ve dreamed about the forgiveness and reconciliation, the long heart-to-heart talks that don’t really explain all the wasted years, but at least answer some of my lingering questions. I’ve dreamed about understanding, about being able to explain to myself why I wasn’t wanted; why she made the choices she did; why I was never enough to make her stay.

Pastor Greg did a sermon last week on forgiveness and debt. He, of course, talked about the parable of the debtor (Matthew 18); a man who owed the king a ridiculous sum of money – like billions of dollars – and in mercy, the king forgave his debt. Then the same man went to his slave and demanded that the slave repay the much smaller debt he owed to the man, even imprisoning the slave when he couldn’t pay. Needless to say, when the king found out what the man had done, he was furious and sent him to jail to be tortured until he could repay his entire debt. The point of Jesus’ parable is to show the huge debt that we’ve been forgiven by God and to demonstrate how we are to forgive others.

One of the points of Pastor’s message was that the only person who can forgive a debt is the one to whom the debt is owed – the homeowner can’t call the bank and say, “You know, I’ve decided to forgive myself this mortgage. Thanks for your time.” Only the bank can forgive a debt. This was important because often we try to “forgive ourselves” for something we’ve done. The truth is that we need to accept forgiveness from God or from the other person – this acceptance is how we achieve peace because, by definition, forgiving ourselves is not possible.

How does this relate to my mom? Well, part of the sermon was that forgiveness can’t be offered without acknowledging what debt is actually owed. When there is a hurt or an injury against someone, it creates a debt. In order to forgive someone, I need to figure out what they owe me. For example, did they ruin my reputation? Create an emotional injury with harsh words or by lying? Is there a physical debt – such as when someone steals a prized possession or causes harm to a person’s body? So the question for me is, what does my mother owe me?
Time. Lots of time.
Missed events – the birth of my babies, my wedding, birthdays, recitals…
Emotional damage caused by her leaving, lying and not following through on her promises.

Once I know what the debt is, I can forgive. Another part of the sermon answered a very common question – what if I can’t forget? The answer is: I continue to forgive and release the debt each time it pops up in my mind… One of the most famous parts of the parable of the debtor is that Jesus commands us to forgive 7x70 times. This isn’t supposed to be taken literally as “forgive only 490 times – not 491 or 492 times”. What it means is that we forgive generously because we have been forgiven completely. I always thought about this passage as referring to 490 different sins, but it could also be understood to mean that we forgive the same sin 490 times. I forgive my mom. And then, a couple hours later, I feel angry and hurt again so, I forgive again. Then I remember again, and I forgive again. 7x70 times. Because that’s what has been done for me.

Written Monday, in Preparation for Surgery

I’m having surgery tomorrow. I’m getting my tubes tied. I wonder where that phrase came from – did they actually tie the tubes at one point? Tomorrow I’m going to be cauterized, not tied.

Don’t misunderstand me, I don’t want any more children, I don’t. Not at all. Honestly. If you told me that I was going to have another child, I would cry. Ugly cry. For a long time. That being said, it feels weird to know that tomorrow I won’t be able to have any more children.

This will also be my first time having surgery of any kind. I know this is a common procedure, but it still makes me a little nervous. What if something happened? What would I want my children to know? What have I left unsaid?

I hope my children know that I love them. I hope they have seen that I’m not perfect, but that I’ve done my very best to love them and to accept them unconditionally. I hope they know how much they have taught me about unconditional acceptance. Specifically I want to tell them:

Chloe, that day when I was horrible to you and then apologized and you asked me if I was trying my best… You said that you loved me no matter what and that it was enough that I was trying. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to tell you how much that moment means to me. I’ve always been hard on you and I know you’ve questioned whether or not I love you as much as the other kids. I hope I’ve shown you since then that I adore you and I’m so proud to have you as my daughter. You make me look good because you are just such a naturally wonderful person. You make is seem like I’m a good mother simply by being you. The person you are is beautiful, Ooie. You are caring, responsible, thoughtful and incredibly creative. I am very excited about what you’re going to become. I dream of the Godly woman you will be, of all the people you will touch with your incredible spirit, and of the difference you will make in the world. I love sharing our passion for design, color, art and music with you. I just love doing life with you.

All my kids make me so proud. The Trace Adkins song "You’re Gonna Miss This" breaks my heart every time I hear it. The song is about appreciating every moment of the life we’re given because of how quickly they are gone. It also fills me with guilt because I know how many moments, hours, and days I have let slip by me because if being stressed, tired, selfish or for whatever reason. I have no excuse for all the times I’ve snapped at you, growled at you, expected you to be perfect, or ignored an opportunity to spend time with you. And while I deeply regret all these times, I can’t get them back. So, I pray that you’ll be understanding and accept me for the fallible, selfish human that I am. I definitely need grace – I hope that I have taught you to be quick to offer grace to others and I pray that you’ll forgive me for my abundant number of sins.

Nathan, you have always so desperately loved your daddy and I am so thankful for that. At the same time, you’ve definitely shown me that you have a soft spot in your heart for your mom. Well Buggy, I have a soft spot for you too. You are too much like me and for that, I’m sorry. I know that I’ve shared my anxiety and my worrier tendencies with you. I hate knowing that my little angel, my baby boy, is stressing and worrying about things that are much too deep and too big for him. I love that you care baby, and I don’t want you to stop caring by any means. What I wish for you is that you will learn to “look at the birds”. Remember when we talked about that? If not, ask Pastor Greg at church – he’ll tell you all about it. God cares for the birds – they don’t worry. How much more will he care for us?? You are an incredibly smart, funny, wonderful little boy and you are quickly growing up into a young man. I pray that you will treat all women with the respect that you are learning to show me; open their doors, carry things for them, remember “ladies first” and compliment them all the time. You are a blessing my little man and I love you abundantly. Even though it always scared me to think about it, I am proud to have raised a son who loves his country and who is willing to fight for it. Know that I am always proud of you, proud of who you are and who you will become. You have been created with a purpose and with many gifts. I love your spirit Buggy.

Each of you was created a Masterpiece. Just like the song that I sing to you – you are created exactly how you are supposed to be. God has a plan for your lives and He wants to use you to bless the world and to teach people about Him. You were created with your special talents and abilities specifically for this purpose. Don’t ever feel bad about the person you are – there is a reason for your personality, for your uniqueness --- and I wouldn’t have it any other way!! God did create you. And He does love you. You all know that. Don’t let anything that happens in your life convince you otherwise. There will be pain in your life – we are not guaranteed a life without pain. You know that, you’ve already experienced it. Just remember that through the painful times, there is a reason – God is growing you, He is using difficult circumstances to create character in your life. Think about it, that’s the way we learn – through uncomfortable situations and also through discipline. The Bible says that God disciplines those he loves. The same goes with your dad and I. We discipline you because we love you. It is because we want you to grow up to be healthy, responsible adults. And to keep you from greater pain that may come from certain behaviors. There are some days I believe that if I were somehow in charge and could change things, I would do everything in my power to keep you from ever experiencing pain. It is horrible for me to watch you go through any kind of pain – physical or emotional. But I have to remind myself that sometimes, it is for the greater good. That doesn’t always make it any easier.

I remember, for example, watching Boogie struggle with friendship issues with another girl and I know she got her feelings hurt but I didn’t step in because I wanted her to learn how to navigate that situation on her own. Boogie, it breaks my heart to see you hurt and to hear you cry. I just want to wrap you in my arms and protect you from every sort of pain. But I can’t. and honestly, you don’t want me to. I feel grateful that you have two older siblings who will look out for you as you grow up. Keep them close to you, make them your best friends… you are very blessed to have them.

I love how deeply you love your siblings. I love watching you hug and snug with them and I also love how you want to spend time with them. I know there have been problems with finding a way to split Chloe down the middle so that you and Nathan both have someone to play with, but I love that you all want to play together.

Jillian, you are my firecracker. You are passionate about life and about music. I love how you seem to be filled with music, even at the grocery store – you can’t help but twirl and spin. You are so beautiful and so strong – you are a leader, baby. Be sure to lead others in the right way and to use your leadership to benefit others, not to hurt them. You have the potential to be a huge force in life – whatever you choose to do, whether you really do become a rock star or if you decide to do something else. I know that you will be successful, if for no other reason than you don’t take no for an answer.  You are so smart, so very smart and such a joy to be around. You are my little angel and I love you. I can’t wait to see how you grow and learn – how you change and how God leads you to become a powerful woman. Remember though, being powerful sometimes doesn’t mean being loud or pushy. Sometimes there is great strength in silence and in being a servant to others. You are going to change the world baby, whether it’s the whole world or your corner or it – you are going to be a force to be reckoned with. I can’t wait to see what you can accomplish.

I know a large part of your lives growing up will be helping the family with Wyatt. And I’m thankful for that. I love how our family works together and helps carry the load of everyday life. Wyatt was definitely unexpected, but definitely a blessing.

Wyatt, my littlest angel, I can’t begin to tell you how much I love you. You don’t have any tangible experience with me loving you because you are so little. For that, I’m sorry, but please believe me when I say that I adore you. I love your little faces, your expressions and especially your smiles. Your smiles bring tears to my eyes. When you talk, your favorite sound is Ma. I tell myself that’s because you’re trying to talk to me and tell me that you love me too… I know, Mom can be delusional at times, but its only because I love you. I have no idea what God has planned for your life but I know what you’ve accomplished already – you’ve brought joy to my life and to our family and you have reminded us how God uses unexpected circumstances to bless us – even when we don’t understand them. You were not an accident – you were created by God to be a part of our family and I am so thankful for you. I love you, Beenut and I’ve loved you since before you were born. I’m thankful for you, not because you had to stay in the hospital necessarily because I hated seeing you in that bubble, but because you brought your dad and I close together again and because God used the situation of you being in the NICU to grow some of my confidence and assertiveness. I have come closer to being who I would like to be because of you, so thank you my little one.

Each of my children have so incredibly blessed my life… I just want them to know how much they are loved.

One Word -- Smile

This was a few days ago, but a-ha! A smile!! :)

I Have Hidden Your Word in My Heart

We’re learning new memory verses. So far, we’ve learned 5. Psalms 119:11, 34:1, 18:1; Phillipians 4:13, and James 4:8. I’m very excited about how quickly the kids are learning and how they are motivated to learn more and how they are reminding me that we need to practice them.  It has become part of our routine that every time we’re in the car, I call out addresses, and the kids take turns reciting them. We have index cards rubber-banded to the visor with the “to learn”s on the back side and the “to practice” on the front. The most recent verse, Psalm 119:11 says, “I have hidden (or cherished) Your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.” This reminds the kids (and me) why we’re learning the Bible. It wasn’t one of our verses, but something they learned in church, but Chloe recently had a great opportunity to learn that Truth can be very helpful in difficult situations. She was having a tough time sleeping and was being plagued with scary thoughts that she said she couldn’t get out of her head. The “big word” at church that week was “The bad times are the best times to praise God”. So, in her fear that night, she started to sing and to tell God what she was thankful for. And before she knew it, she fell asleep.


In their class at church, they don’t always have a memory verse. Sometimes, like lately, they have had “big words” or “big ideas” and these ideas are carried over from week to week. They also talked about courage, honor and integrity at one point during the summer. Then, from week to week, they talked about people in the Bible who exemplified these characteristics and those who didn’t. They learned about David, Daniel, Mary and Paul, among others.

I have spent a huge amount of time over the past 2 weeks fighting with our cell phone company. We have Nextel and the coverage in our area is getting less and less reliable so we were going to look into switching to Sprint. They are the same company, but different networks. So, it started that they were going to let us switch without having to extend our contract, but we would have to buy Sprint phones. Then I called again and I was told that they were having a promotion for people in just this situation where they could get me a phone for $.99. The only condition was that I could only pick from a couple of phone styles. Fine, I can live with that because I just need phones that actually work without hanging up on everyone that I call. I placed the order for two of these $.99 phones and they were going to overnight them to me – free of charge. This was on Thursday. Friday night I get a phone call saying that the order wasn’t really processed because the lady forgot to get my credit card number. So, I gave it to them and at that point, it was too late to send out the order Friday so I should expect the shipment on Monday morning. Monday at about 3pm, I looked up the tracking number and discovered that they had delivered our phones already --- to the wrong house. They used our old address. When I placed the order, the lady didn’t confirm the mailing address and so they got shipped to our old address. This began what has amounted to 10 days and literally 7 hours of time spent on the phone with these people. I have called them 10 times (not exaggerating) and have gotten 8 different answers. I believe the only reason I got the same answer three times was because I spoke to the same person twice and the other time, the person I talked to left a message in my file to transfer me back to him should I call again… I’ve been promised a call back from them three times now… The first was on the 8th, the second time was the 10th and then again today they promised me a call back. I told them I was infuriated and that this was completely unacceptable. I let them know that if I didn’t get a call back today by the end of business, I was going to cancel my contract with them and demand to not be charged an early termination fee. Also, I need to have my bill for the last month refunded because our service has been so terrible, and I’ve had to spent most of my time on the phone with them. It has really been an emotional deal – you may think I’m silly, but fighting with people is something that I tend to avoid, not go in search of. I have had to argue with these people, be overly assertive and often control my temper with them to avoid screaming or crying at whatever representative has just told me another wrong answer. I don’t like these situations and to have to get up every morning and intentionally put myself in the middle of it has been exhausting. In addition, I have had a less than perfect week since Sunday…. But more about that later.

So, I am waiting… Its 3:15 right now… Will I hear from them, highly unlikely. Will I cancel my contract… I’m still deciding simply because I don’t know what other cell phone carrier to get and I don’t want to go through all this again… Not Verizon, they’re too expensive and not ATT… We had problems with them and so Lowell has sworn off ATT… So, what’s left? If we use a company who doesn’t have a contract, we have to pay for the phones… So, I feel stuck. I’m forced to deal with this completely unacceptable customer service. I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. Does Sprint care? It certainly doesn’t seem like it – so what are my options? Spend money I don’t have (and shouldn’t have to spend) on phones for another company, or continue to get screwed (there’s just no other word for what they’re doing to me) by Sprint…. There is not good option here.

I’m sure you didn’t want to spend the last few minutes “listening” to me rant about large corporations, but I am just furious about this. I’m stressed and angry and upset… So, instead of feeling that way -- I'm going to remember - The bad times are the best times to praise God. When I get put on hold for the 7th time, I'm just going to use that time to pray for a friend, or to hum a worship song, or to count my blessings. Or maybe I'll work on some more memory verses. :)

New Pictures

Just wanted to quickly update in a photographic fashion. :)

Daddy loving a Peanut.. Look at the shoes!! :)

Chloe and her BFF Abbi playing PlayDoh during their sleepover.
I had 7 children. At 10pm, there were ALL still awake.. And then come 5am, they were all awake again. :)

Jillian and her sleepover buddy, Sarah. They were watching Rango and eating popcorn. They also played with their Little Pet Shop toys and played dress up.

I can finally go outside a little because now Wyatt can ride in the Snuggi! Love this invention!

Also part of the sleepover adventures, this is Nathan and his BFF Nate (also Nathan) who are digging a moat around the burial site of a spider they killed. They were worried that the ants would disturb the corpse. Weird little boys. :)

Love this picture. This was at work, the day before my last day... Doesn't he look thrilled?!?! :)

So as a quick synopsis.. I'm not working anymore. Lowell has been working substantial amounts of overtime to make up the difference but we decided that it just makes more sense this way. I started my practicum this week and there's not much to say so far. I'm learning all the agency paperwork and getting orientated at the school.
The kids start school on Monday. They've been getting more and more anxious. Jillian runs to the calendar every day to count down. Thursday they have back-to-school night and I'm excited to learn who their teachers will be.
Wyatt has his two month shots tomorrow - granted, a few days late, but we've been really busy. He weighs almost 10 pounds if my calculations are correct. He's still fantastic and doing a great job sleeping.
We are very blessed.

A Single Step

I got satellite Internet today. We have a 30 day trial period before we have to decide whether or not it is worth it... Its moderately faster than dial-up but NO WHERE near the blessed-ness of cable. My major hang-up comes from the 2 year contract and the fact that my husband has just informed me that we will be likely moving at the end of our lease.
I think he gets bored. He finds things about a house, a company, a job... that he doesn't like and decides to move on. I agree with him on a couple of his points - I would like to have an air-tight house so we are not inundated by all types of bugs like we are now; moving would give us the chance to have high-speed Internet again; we also might get a pool; and the yard here is very high maintenance. With me not working (I'll elaborate on that in a minute), all the financial burden falls on Lowell and that leaves him even less time to mow and weed-eat the yard. (I'm using a lot of hypens in this post.. Just an observation.) My biggest hang up is I HATE MOVING!!! I don't want to move again so soon; I just finally finished unpacking. Our lease is up in December so we still have awhile to figure out what we want to do... I'll keep you updated.
About working, Sunday was my last day at New Life Center. I am bummed about not seeing my friends anymore but I do feel blessed that God allowed me to ease my way out... I was able to go to part-time and still see my co-workers at least a couple days a week. Now I won't be there at all. It definitely hasn't sunk in yet, and I'm sure I will begin to go a little stir crazy without the adult interaction. That being said, I start my practicum next week.
I have training tomorrow to help me learn the signs of abuse in children. This is a required class because I'll be working at a parochial school one day each week. I am looking forward to trying something new, although I'm a little leery because I have never really thought that I wanted to work with children. Honestly, kids make me nervous... I worry that I won't have the energy that working with children requires.
Fortuitously, church was about worry this weekend. The major message of the sermon was to do everything that I can and then to trust that God will take care of the rest. So, what can I do in this situation? I can try to rest as much as possible, exercise, eat well, take opportunities to refresh myself and pray. And then trust Him with the results. Worrying won't help me.
I'm mainly saying all of that to myself as a reminder...
In an attempt to refresh myself and also to answer my creative urges that have begun to return finally, I have decided to start scrapbooking again. I can't being to tell you the last time I completed a page... Or even started a page. I'm horribly behind - but I'm not going to focus on that. I want to focus on the process of creation instead. My other focus is going to be on creative usage of the materials I currently possess. I want to see how much I can get done using only the supplies I have. This is a multi-faceted decision - financial, creatively challenging, and practical -- if we move in a few months, there will be less to move. :)
My original plan was to begin scrapbooking tonight but I find myself so far behind in the things that I need to accomplish -- phone calls to make, emails to respond to, bills to pay, that I find myself shying away from the idea.
No, I have decided --- there is no time better than the present to begin. A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, right?!? So, here's to first steps. I pray that you will begin your own journey today -- remember, don't worry -- do all you can, and leave the rest to Him.

Update

It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged. I’ve logged on a few times and checked for comments and felt that there was so much that I should write about… And then immediately logged off because I didn’t even know where to begin.


I still don’t know where to begin.

Wyatt is doing great. He’s due for his 2 month shots this week. I’m not looking forward to that but I am anxious to find out how much he weighs. His schedule has been hit and miss; some days he will sleep 6 hours at a time and others where he wakes up every 2 hours. He’s doing a great job holding up his head and has starting cooing and smiling. He is definitely a mama’s boy, preferring my company to anyone else’s. He’s also at the stage where he physically can’t move himself, but he doesn’t want to be immobile either. He will cry so that we will prop him up into a sitting position or cry to be held in front of someone as they walk around. He wants to be big so bad.

The bigger kids still love him and enjoy helping me take care of him. Jillian has learned how to change a diaper and loves that “privilege”. Chloe does a great job overall – she changes him, answers his cries, feeds and burps him… She’s a huge help for Lowell when he’s sleepy and responsible for Wyatt. Nathan treats him a little like a pet – he ohhhs and awwws over how cute Wyatt is and likes to snug with him, but doesn’t want to do any of the jobs that contain the possibility of yuckiness. Nathan does not want to be puked or peed on, and I don’t suppose I can blame him, however he did change a poopie diaper the other day. Without even being asked. Way to go Big Brother!

The bigger kids are getting a little stir crazy. The first day of school is August 22nd. They had a sleepover last week and then Nathan had a sleepover birthday party. We’re going to have some girls over Sunday night for the girls. We haven’t been back to the pool but I’m really hoping we can in the next week or so. Its really hard to get them to have the amount of physical activity they need every day because its just so hot. Another factor that makes it difficult is that I can’t go outside with them because there is no way for me to watch the baby and be outside at the same time. We don’t have a monitor yet so I have to stay inside with him, or make frequent trips back inside to be sure that he’s okay. That doesn’t allow me to play any games with them or to get involved in any outside projects. Because of them being inside so much, they have started to get on each other’s nerves and have begun to fight. I can’t begin to tell you how many disagreements I’ve refereed in the past couple weeks. I have been amazed at just what can start a fight and baffled at how to get them to stop. I still haven’t quite figured it out… I can’t wait for school to start.

Speaking of school, my practicum starts on August 12th because that is when school starts at the parochial school where I’ll be working. I’m pretty nervous… I think I’m mainly scared that I’ll find out that I’m not good at what I’ve been working so hard to do. On the plus side, we will be getting internet at home again because I have to have it for school. I don’t know when exactly, but at least we’ll have some sort of internet at home!

We have a missing kitty. Indy, our white cat has disappeared again. I still haven’t given up hope that he’ll show up again. This isn’t the first time he’s disappeared and he was gone longer than this last time… There have been quite a few nights when I’ve had to comfort the kids because they are worried about Indy. I'm still waiting to see how Lowell decides to handle this. I'm pretty sure he'll come home one of these days very soon with a kitten. I hope it's a gray one - I already have a name picked out -- Cinder.
The name comes from a new series of books that Nathan is addicted to -- Warriors. Its about different families or clans of cats and their adventures. We've had to go to the library 3 times over the past two weeks to get the next books in the series. I love that my bibliophile status has passed to the kids. They all participated in the summer reading program at our local library and each earned a free book. We ordered them yesterday and they are anxiously awaiting their arrival. :) I had to tell them three times that there is no mail on Sunday. Hopefully they will come Monday.