Tuesday, June 14, 2011
I was stuck between really wanting and needing to be at the hospital with my baby and wanting to keep those around me happy while simultaneously avoiding the shame of being with the nurses and doctors at the hospital. Now I deal with the shame that comes from not being there as much as I should have and with the emotional gulf that still exists in our relationship. I have never been able to firmly establish what has led to the breach in our relationship, whether it is directly related to the NICU stay, my resulting guilt and shame or the long-term battle I waged with post-partum depression after Chloe was born… As I’ve said before, I don’t know that the “why” matters when compared with just fixing the problem but it still bothers me that I don’t understand.
at 5:11 PM