Another semi-old post....
We are getting closer to the day when I will officially be the mother of four children. It seems very difficult to believe. I am not having difficulty with the passage of time over the past 34 weeks, because I certainly feel as though I’ve been pregnant for at least a year, what I’m struggling with is the idea that this journey is about to begin all over again. I am still in a little bit of denial about the whole situation.
Surprisingly, it has been Lowell that has been reminding me of the positive changes that we may be able to look forward to with the arrival of this new life – some of the little baby gestures and sounds that we loved with Nathan and the girls, for example. While not at all a conscious choice, my first reaction is to focus on the negatives that will also accompany this new arrival. Or, more accurately, will most likely accompany his birth. There is no guarantee of anything positive or negative but I find myself expecting the worst.
This phenomena isn’t only present when I think about the new baby, I have recognized its presence in my life in general. I tend to focus on the bad or the potential for bad, instead of the good. I see the beauty and the positive as fleeting and can’t enjoy it because I’m waiting for the next negative, painful, irritating or depressing thing to happen. I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine about her struggles and she is actually the one that articulated this feeling and I knew immediately that it very accurately explained my emotional experiences.
This is a discouraging insight to have into oneself. I am very thankful for the hours of time I’ve spent scrapbooking the good memories and also the times that I’ve spent blogging for the same reason. I am so thankful that I’ve memorialized these moments so that I can remember them. The next step for me is to realize, in the moment, that these seconds need to be appreciated and cherished while they are being experienced – not just afterwards. I’ve made an effort to change my thought process – to allow those moments to simmer in my brain, to let myself soak them in and to let the positive feelings marinate in my heart before I move on to whatever crisis is coming next.
So, in this new spirit, I’m attempting to take this evening to focus on the last remaining moments of my last pregnancy. Lowell and I have decided that I’ll get “fixed” as soon as possible after delivery (the doc says it’ll be about six weeks) so that we can ensure this unplanned blessing won’t happen again. With that said, there are a lot of things I like about being pregnant. Primarily, it is the one time in my life that I can walk around wearing tight fitting shirts and not be embarrassed about my stomach. And feeling the movements is pretty cool, I must say. I like how even in utero, this little human can respond to me; I push on one side of my stomach, and he’ll respond by swiftly kicking my hand. Jillian just brought me a picture that she drew for the baby announcing his arrival. She is the one most vocal about the new sibling. She hugs my belly and talks to him. She is also looking forward to being my helper and wants me to teach her how to change a diaper. This is one aspect of pregnancy that I’ve never experienced before because in the past, the siblings were always too small to appreciate that our family was growing. Watching the older kids become excited about the baby has definitely been one of my favorite parts of this pregnancy.
Just the other morning Jillian announced, unprovoked, that I needed to be praying for the new baby. She wants us to pray for him to be healthy and safe. Good advice.
I gave notice at work that I would be leaving my current full-time position and that I would likely be interested in part time. The only hours available to me would be Friday, Saturday and Sunday mornings. While not completely thrilled with this schedule, I am sooo thankful for their willingness to be flexible to accommodate all the changes in my life. Simultaneously, Lowell has put in for a promotion and day shift. I am sooooo praying that he will be able to change shifts and, if he does get the promotion, it may not be necessary for me to work at all.
We’ve also contacted Sharon about coming down here after the baby is born. Because I went into labor on Monday and because I’m almost to 36 weeks, we’ve requested that she come next weekend. The doctor who finally stopped my labor on Monday night said that I’m basically a ticking time bomb who could deliver at any time. I’m hoping for sooner rather than later. Then again, I hesitate because right now, the baby is totally being cared for – fed, watered, loved – all without much effort from me. After he comes out, it’s a whole new ballgame. Because I’m working on focusing on the positive, this morning when I weighed myself, I weigh 21 pounds less than I did when we found out I was expecting. So, counting baby weight, I guess I’ve lost close to 30 pounds with this pregnancy – all due to appetite suppression, no throwing up this time. That’s exciting news for sure.
We still haven’t chosen a name for our little one. I like Daniel – not necessarily for the name but for the person it represents in the Bible. And we’re still tossing Eric around… Knowing us, we’ll probably name him at the last minute. And it will turn out to be the perfect name. Because that’s how we roll – last minute, but usually with wonderful results. We’re very blessed. I’m very thankful for my family.
I think I’ll marinate on that thought for awhile.